Friday, December 10, 2010

Battling the holiday bulge

I somehow managed to lose a couple of pounds despite Thanksgiving, but now I'm smack in the middle of the holiday party season. I do pretty well at home, but have a harder time eating out and even a harder time than that when I'm at parties and there are platters of food. I go into my abundance mode and want to have lots of everything.

This year I'm going to do my very best to prepare myself in advance, ask the hostess what kinds of foods will be there (if applicable), and try to make a plate of food instead of hovering over dips and snacks and mindlessly shoveling food into my mouth. I'm also NOT going to drink. Seriously. It is added calories I don't need and makes me much more apt to eat more when I'm not actually hungry. I prefer to monitor my drinking at home with a meal than losing track in a vulnerable situation.

If I don't lose weight this Christmas, that is okay. But I'd like to maintain. To continue to go to boot camp 3-4 days a week in addition to yoga and hula hooping classes. I will likely relax the diet a bit while I'm in Maui for the New Year and I don't want to feel already behind my weight loss when it's time to go.

So the keys, for me, are to prepare, prepare, prepare and watch portion control by making a plate of food instead of eating/hovering over the food area.

What are you planning on doing this holiday season to keep yourself in check?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Thanksgiving, the wagon, and stir fry

I have recovered from Thanksgiving. I spent 4 days off plan eating turkey and ham and leftovers of both and cream pie. I DID watch portion control until a bit of wine overload on Saturday night. But I made the decision to enjoy my holiday and holiday weekend and I did.

But today is a new day and I did it up right. I am back on plan and back in boot camp after my foot kept me out most of last week. My boot camp trainer also motivated me to try a new veggie medley based on something she had made and I wanted to share it with you b/c it turned out WONDERFUL!

1T olive oil (ish)
1/2 onion, chopped
tons of fresh garlic, minced or chopped
1/2 head of rad cabbage (or green, if you prefer), diced into strips
1/2 bunch of kale, chopped into large pieces
1/2 bunch of red chard, chopped into large pieces
one small head of broccoli, cut into pieces
1 yellow squash, chopped
1 gray squash, chopped (or regular zucchini)
1/2 bunch spinach
1/2 bunch Italian parsley
Seasonings to taste
Apple cider vinegar to taste

1. heat oil in a large skillet or wok on medium heat. Add onion and garlic and saute until soft.
2. Add broccoli and stir fry, 2 minutes. Add seasonings to taste: I used salt, pepper, oregano, Italian Seasoning, garlic powder, onion powder and Mrs Dash.
3. Add squash, kale, cabbage and chard. Stir fry, covered, about 4 minutes, until leaves reduce.
4. Add spinach and parsley, cook a few minutes until spinach reduces down, another 1-2 minutes, stirring regularly.
5. remove from heat. Add apple cider vinegar to taste in individual servings.

If I could post a picture of my deliciousness, I would. It is on my facebook. It was such a wonderful experience as I had never had kale, chard or gray squash before. I LOVE trying new dishes! I paired this with a weight watchers recipe, Turkey Shepard's pie with mashed sweet potatoes, which was seriously amazing. Love good food and feeding my body all sorts of power food goodness!

On the activity note, this week includes zumba, yin yoga and hoola hooping on top for my normal 4 day a week boot camp work out. Can't wait! Just hope my foot holds up. :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Lessons from the sleep deprived

I have been learning a lot lately. Some of it is new stuff... some of it is stuff I have learned before but am trying to learn again. I'm really focused on my food and exercise plan right now. But I will tell you a lesson I learned this weekend... all of that focus is easy to toss aside when I'm tired or stressed.

"yeah yeah yeah... common sense" you may say to me. Well, perhaps, in theory, but the thing with me is that I don't often feel stress IN the moment. It's kind of cumulative and I feel it more after a stressful situation has subsided or rather, in hindsight, I realize that stress manifested itself other than in an emotion titled "stress" such as unplanned eating, over eating, etc. etc.

On Thursday, I had an unusually stressful evening in the calm and happiness that is mostly my world and I didn't sleep more than a few hours. Which means I skipped boot camp in exchange for a couple more hours of poor sleep. I had friends over on Friday and although I did PRETTY well on my food choices, I had an apple turnover and about 6 glasses of wine I hadn't planned on and didn't need.

So I go into Saturday still tired and now hungover. I sleep as late as I can but never feel fully myself. I spend the day on the couch until I finally do an hour of working out at home. That night I have a birthday party, dinner with friends, drinks with more friends and a midnight showing of HUMP at Cinema 21. I had food planned out for the night ... but I neglected to consider I'd be hungry when I got to the birthday party, where I planned on eating only veggies. Of which there were none. But what was there instead was Hawaiian food. One of my favorites. Rice. Macaroni salad. Chicken. I eat an entire meal. Plus a small spoonful of seconds. And a ginger-ale. That was not planned. Or necessary. As I learned recently, hunger won't kill me and I very well could have waited until dinner to split my planned hamburger with Special K.

But instead, I started to feel guilty and disappointed in myself. Without much thought other than those two emotions, I had 4 unplanned chicken wings, a handful of bites of the most rich clam chowder I've ever eaten AND the half of burger. And what's worse is that the burger was awful and I was completely unsatisfied. AND I was full before the burger even came and yet I continued to eat it. I ignored my plans and all my body signals. What the hell?

Oh. and I forgot to mention the cup or so of buttered popcorn I had at the movie. Also not planned.

Sunday I ate within my points, but as I reflect today I can clearly see what led up to this. As much as I think it is "unfair" that I'm not a "normal" person, the truth is, I'm not a normal person. And until this becomes easier (b/c it's SO not easy), I have to plan my meals, both at home and away from home and I need to follow the plan. There isn't a whole lot of room for spontaneous eating right now because, as one can see, it leads to more. and more. and then I feel badly, both emotionally and physically. I feel like I'm sabotaging my progress toward the goals I have. And it's not been worth it. I deserve to treat myself better than this despite how much work I have to put in to paying attention to these things.

So the lesson here? Get enough rest. Allow myself to feel stressed out or ask myself, in situations that are clearly stressful, if I'm participating in emotional eating. Oh. I reiterate the get enough rest. At all costs. It's hugely important. And... get back on the horse, even if I'm tempted to just let the damn thing keep dragging me through the mud. One meal, one night, one day... doesn't mean another minute needs to go by before I get back on plan.

Monday, November 8, 2010

This, that and the other

I am FINALLY feeling like I'm in the swing of my weight watchers plan. I have been cooking up a storm, I'm finally feeling less hungry, I'm back in boot camp so I'm feeling awesome most of the time anyway, etc. etc. I've been really good about tracking my food and making better choices. It's a long road to lifestyle changes and Lord knows I've been here before. But just like my friend once said "every relationship fails until one doesn't"... I suspect the same can be said about many things such as this. "every diet fails until one doesn't."

I ate a lot of cheese the last two weekends. I do so well during the week and then I spend time with Special K and we just love to munch! I have been better about not feeling like I have to eat every time he eats, but his love of cheese makes me want to indulge in MY love of cheese. Luckily, while I used every last spare point I had for WW this weekend, I only used a few activity points and didn't go in the red. Which is a huge success for me. I know this may sound like alien language, but I'm speaking in WW (weight watcher) terms which it seems most people know.

I haven't really noticed that I've lost weight or my clothes fit differently and it's gotten me a little down, but I realized two things today. 1. I feel AMAZING! I feel happy and confident and like the best of myself. And 2. I worked out and drank a ton of water and ate RELATIVELY well before now. So when I compare myself to people who are getting more noticeable results than me, I try to remember that being whole foods and exercise oriented was already part of my lifestyle so it may take longer for my body to adjust to the smaller portions and overall better nutrition than it might for someone else who didn't drink a lot of water or who didn't exercise or whatever differently than I. It's really unfair to me to compare myself to anyone. I have my own challenges and my body will do what it will as long as I continue to love it the best I can by moving and eating in a purposeful and intentional way. Which I intend to do.

Have a wonderful week, everyone!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


I'm hungry.

No really. I am. Like, gnawing on my arm, hungry.

Ok, no, I'm ok, really. But interesting thing.... I'm reading this book called The Beck Diet Solution... it has daily exercises to "think like a thin person" I committed to following it the best I can. Today was the first day that was really hard... dealing with tolerating hunger. The exercise was to skip lunch and not eat again until dinner and to rate my level of hunger, but most importantly, psychological discomfort. The exercise is not meant to deprive me, but rather for me to conquer my "fear" of hunger by facing it head on. Like Beck says, hunger is not an emergency. It can be tolerated (pending one doesn't have a medical condition necessitating regular meals).

And I've learned today, that this is indeed, true. However, one major flaw of the book is that it doesn't tell you what to do when you are feeling that distress and discomfort. Feelings of hunger do wax and wane whether you feed the hunger or not. Which I can handle. But the emotion behind it is tricky. When one is feeling an emotion as an outcome of feeling very hungry, then what? Yes... then what?

Good news is, I did skip my meal and it's been 7 hours since I've eaten and I'm proud of myself for controlling the urge to eat when I committed to not eating lunch just for today. I wasn't as emotionally distressed as I thought I would be, but I was also working and distracted. If I'd done this on a Saturday, I'd probably have all sorts of shit coming up and would break under the self-induced pressure of it all.

The truth is, us fat folks don't like feeling hungry. It bothers us. I get so proud of myself when I "eat when I'm hungry" but neglect to notice that I don't always HAVE to eat when I'm hungry if I happen to be hungry all day long for some reason (and those days too happen). I won't die if I have to wait an hour to eat for some reason. Nothing bad will happen to me. The worst thing, to me, is that I have the propensity to then over-eat at my next meal, but perhaps that is more psychological than I give it credit to be. I have a potluck I'm attending tonight and I think I'll be perfectly capable of eating the portions I've pre-planned to have and still feel full and satisfied. I won't need to shovel the entire dish of enchiladas in my mouth to somehow make up for not having had lunch. I'll just be VERY aware that my eyes are bigger than my stomach and start small. If I'm still hungry after my meal, then I can cross that bridge when I get to it.

Very challenging exercise today, this hunger thing. But amazingly enough, I didn't die or wither away or ... gnaw off my own arm. All good things to know. :)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The power of raw food and vitamins

I saw an amazing movie last night called "Food Matters." It's not as horrifying as "Food, Inc" regarding the genetic modification of our foods and treatment of our animals, but it is about nutrition and the importance of good nutrition. And what a lack of nutrition can do to us. And the numbers show it with now 13% of women getting breast cancer and prostate and colon cancers on the rise. When this movie was made there were nearly 600,000 people dying a year from cancer.


The movie talked about food digestion and nutrition and how raw (uncooked) foods were the best (granted, there is evidence for both sides of the coin on this one) and the benefits of vitamin supplements. They talked about cancer and disease and how the medical community has failed us in these regards. Did you know that nutrition is not taught in medical school? I know, for one, I'm never asked what my diet consists of when I go to the doctor for a malady. Unless I go to a naturopath. He always asks.

I'm angry and I'm revved up and, while we all know there is very little we can do on a grand scale of things, I CAN take charge of my own life and my own choices and my own nutrition.

Granted, I'm pretty good about eating a salad most days and doing my best to get my produce every day b/c I know how much better I feel, but you know what else I'm going to do? Start taking more Vitamin C. Cancer cells don't like Vitamin C and while it has shown to stunt and possibly reverse the growth of cancer cells, it is most certainly a potential preventative measure. I'm also getting a juicer for Christmas. I can get a lot of raw foods into my body in an easily absorbent way with a juicer.

I'm not a zealot. But I don't want to be sick and malnourished. I want to be healthy... and active... and happy. And I've known for some time that the quality of my food and the amount I move my body on purpose is directly related to my mood and outlook on life in general. I want to live the best life I can live without prescription medications, without pain, without disease.

Don't you?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Injuries happen

2 weeks into boot camp, I'm feeling great, I'm having a wonderful time and I'm getting the hang of waking up early. The trainer is so supportive and encouraging as are other folks in the class. I've even heard a rumor that I've inspired folks by how hard the "fat girl" is working. Which is AWESOME.

But this week I hurt myself. Got myself a case of Plantar Fasciitus which is excruciatingly painful. Essentially my foot hurts and I'm limping around and am scared to death to continue to injure it by continuing boot camp. I can honestly say: this sucks!

So I'm taking the rest of the week off boot camp, I'm going to see a chiropractor tomorrow who works with plantar fasciitus and sneaking in some R&R by getting a facial and manicure with Megan at NW College.

So just wanted to check in and say officially, that injuries suck. But one has to take care of themselves to prevent further injury. Would love to know what others have done regarding this... have you taken time off, sought medical attention, pushed through it and kept up your exercise routine, etc?

Happy weekend!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Reward systems

I can't say I've spent as much time thinking about the intricacies of how one rewards oneself as I've spent thinking about other aspects of my diet and fitness self, but I think it's an important thing to start thinking about. Research even shows that using food as a reward or punishment with your children sets them up for poor eating habits as adult (DING DING DING!!)

A friend noted to me the other day that, in the few years that we have been friends, she's noticed that I regularly reward myself for food or fitness successes with food. I've spent lots of time sitting in weight watcher meetings talking about reward alternatives to food and here I am not thinking about or implementing any of that. When I have a good week, I celebrate with chicken wings. Or my favorite Hawaiian joint.

Frankly, I never REMEMBER to do it any other way. It's so ingrained. Just like sometimes, it honestly never occurs to me to order grilled chicken at a restaurant when I can order the cheeseburger (no joke, it rarely crosses my mind). But I'm making some really big and drastic changes in my life right now in regards to health and fitness and I need to be able to reward myself for milestones. A reward for my first 10 lbs. A reward for my first pant size lost. A reward for a month of consecutively showing up to have my arse kicked at 7am 4 days a week. But I don't want to continue to enforce poor eating habits by having those rewards revolve around food.

So I'm kicking around some ideas and would love yours as well. Mani/pedi is common for us ladies. Maybe a new book or some new yarn I really want. If I lose enough weight to have to buy new clothes, then a new outfit! I also thought of putting $20 aside for each milestone so when I hit a big stride, I can do something really special like a 90 minute massage or a spa day or a night at the coast. I believe rewards should build on each other... each one getting a little bit bigger and better with each goal you achieve.

So, I think my first reward, which will come when I lose my first 10 pounds or 30 consecutive days (whichever comes first), will be that I can go to Powell's and browse for however long I'd like and I can pick out a new book that I find there. I love going to Powell's and getting lost and reading backs of books and it can take me 20 minutes to 2 hours to find just the right thing. I'll even go to the Powell's downtown instead of cheating and going to the one on Hawthorne. I can't wait!!

What are your non-food rewards?

Thursday, September 30, 2010


I am a huge commitment-phobe. Not with it comes to things like relationships or people, but when it comes to having to be somewhere at a certain time on a regular basis. I do some volunteer work and it's about once a month or so and even THAT is hard for me. It's, like, 4 hours a month and I choke up with having to go. I don't like being obligated for the most part.

So strangely enough, I have made a commitment to doing a boot camp class. It's about 65 blocks away from my house, it's at 7am and it's 4-5 days a week. I made the commitment for SIX MONTHS. Oh dear lord. I've been sick with anxiety for two days since I made the commitment. I've also been scared b/c this kind of regularity with my work outs AND the fact that it's first thing in the morning, meaning I'll be burning more fat and not sugars.... I'm bound to drop weight. And there is a little demon inside of me that is freaking out. B/c I've held onto all this weight for some reason or another all this time.

Today was day one. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting and I think the WillPower and Grace class I took 2 weeks ago at 24 hour fitness was infinitely harder. Not that it wasn't challenging. I can't believe I woke up so early and dragged myself ANYwhere and actually had FUN during the work out. The group seems nice and the trainer is no nonsense, but kind.

I intend to have some pics and results up as time goes by. Until I have any semblance of an "after" I'm afraid I'm to shy to share my "before" but I will at some point.

On top of this commitment to working out at 7am 4 days a week, I make the following commitments to myself:

1. To eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. To pause and reflect the best I can on satisfaction level.
2. To have one meal a week that I really want, but not go all out on a "free day". To continue to eat whole foods as a core part of my daily diet.
3. To show up.
4. To blog more regularly.
5. To take it easy when I need to, to push when I can... to not worry about other peoples' judgments.
6. To make every day the best I can and wish the same for all of you!

Stay tuned for more next week!

P.S. As I start to blog again more regularly (which I intend to), if there is any topic you'd like me to write about, let me know!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

With singlehood comes motivation

It's so true what they say that when you are in a relationship and you're comfortable, you tend to put on a few pounds. While I've vacillated up and down 20 pounds all year (my weight is VERY volatile), I put on 10 pounds over the summer after a 20 pound loss just because my sort of boyfriend wanted to eat hot dogs and hamburgers all the time. So we did. But he has a different metabolism than I and I pack on the pounds just by THINKING about it while he stayed an even 175.

Well, possibly the only good thing that comes out of a break up is that I have more time to do other things, namely exercising, and less pressure to eat out or eat poorly. I can go back to my breakfasts of steel cut oats and turkey bacon. A salad every day for lunch. And chicken and rice for dinner instead of burgers, hot dogs, beer and other miscellaneous goodness that Special K liked to partake in. Of course I'm terribly terribly sad so the eating better and working out serves to make me feel better and more put together. Helps me relieve both my stress and my sadness. Give me something to focus on other than how much I want to call the now ex or how much I miss him.

PLUS, I'm going to Maui for New Year's so it sure would be nice to drop a few pounds and be feeling good while I'm prancing around an island in a swimsuit in January. :)

So I'm here to say I'm back... and pushing through harder than ever.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I haven't been the gym in nearly a month and I ate an entire half gallon of ice cream in two days.

That's all I have to say for now.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Waving at the wagons

I've fallen off the wagon in a big way.

Does anyone even know how that saying came about and why it means what it means?

ANYway... My life has been chaos. And one wants to think that they are consistent and motivated when under duress, but that has not proved to be the case. I only have the intellectual and emotional capacity to do so much. It has turned that I cannot focus on eating well and working out every day and getting enough sleep when my house is a demolition zone and the stress of my job and money issues has put me in the only space I know how to be in ... Auto Pilot.

I flooded my house, dropped my phone in the toilet and lost my diamond ring (found a few days later, thankfully) all in one day. I have the entire contents of my storage closet along with other furniture and doors, sitting in the middle of my living room. I have no bathroom floor or carpet padding in spots throughout the house. It's chaotic and messy and it makes my mind just as chaotic and messy to have my environment be such.

In said auto-pilot, I can't seem to make it to the gym b/c I spend 1-2 hours a day dealing with contractors or carpet people or whatever and the rest of my day I'm slammed at work so I really do have to try to pay attention. I go to the store and all I buy is salad and rice and still all I eat is away from home. I stayed the weekend in a hotel and while I did manage to have 2 home cooked meals while there, it didn't stop me from drinking heavily and having a delectable burger one of the nights.

I don't WANT to beat myself up about it. And I don't want to jump on the scale. I want to get through this and then refocus. I want to get my home in order and have a sense of peace and then maybe my head will be less full to have the rest of it in there. In the mean time, I wave at the wagons that pass me by every day when I make the choice to not eat a salad or not go to the gym.

And trust me, I really am doing the best I can right now. The very best I can.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Weekend full of food

For the fourth of July I spent the weekend at a friend's cabin on a river. There were about 16 people total so needless to say, there was A LOT of food. I have been to these events before and the sheer amount of food and booze is outstanding! So this year I did things a little differently in order to try to stay moderately on track.

I volunteered to make a quinoa salad that I make often and is chock full of vitamins and veggies (granted, and olive oil). This way I had a healthy snack whenever I wanted. I brought baked and sun chips instead of regular chips. I DID bring a package of Oreo cookies which was, with my help, polished off in the first several hours of arriving at the river.

But otherwise, I kept my eating under control mostly. I was never hungry when it was meal time and one breakfast I ate WAY more than I should have and needed to, but it was just so good! I snacked on a couple cupcakes and a few handful of chips, but otherwise, didn't do a ton of mindless grazing, which made me proud.

I think next year, I'll prepare even more and bring more salad goodies. It was amazing how, at the end of the weekend, all I wanted was a salad and there wasn't one to be had. Guess I miss my roughage when I don't get it.

In other news, I definitely feel off the wagon. I have only been getting to the gym 2 days a week instead of my normal 5. The hot hot hot weather and my body being totally swollen from bug bites hasn't provided much motivation, either, but I need to get back on track. I feel bloated and I'm never going to reach my goal by sitting here and waiting for it. I'm on my rear end all day at work. All. Day. I need to make a conscious choice each and every day to move my body on purpose ... to sweat and pant a little bit (or a lot in my case). And to prepare meals even when it's so hot here all I can do is LOOK at the kitchen.

I'm not liking what I see in the mirror these days and every time I drop some pounds and am so happy I'm going in the right direction, I seem to put it right back on again. I need someone to come and just hover over me and count calories FOR me! I need a chef. hahaha!

What are you doing to eat well and work out during the summer heat?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Social Eating: how to manage your eating at buffet-style dinner party

Despite my outgoing nature, I actually have a bit if social anxiety at events where I don’t know nearly everyone. And because I have a bit of that anxiety, I usually make sure I eat myself into comfort. Tonight I had a huge accomplishment and didn’t fully realize it until after it was over.

Tonight I was invited to a dinner party where I didn’t expect to know many people. Turns out I did know a handful of folks, which was nice, but the point is, I didn’t want go to the party and overeat, as I'm apt to do. I’ve been eating pretty lightly and trying to eat only when I am hungry and I wanted to stick to that. I tend to grossly over indulge at buffets and community eating situations.

So today I had a snack about an hour or so before leaving for the party. My contribution to the party was a caprese salad which is super yummy and healthy. And off I went.

I started by not drinking. Mainly because I drank too much last weekend and it’s still too soon for me to have another after that bender. But it helped because oftentimes, with the social lubricant of alcohol, it’s easy to not be mindful of what goes in one’s mouth. ANYway, I stuck with water and ended up visiting with people away from the dining area where the food was laid out. I made note of when I saw people starting to spoon up appetizers, but I was enjoying my conversation and saw no reason to interrupt that in order to spoon up just yet. At one point someone passed around some bruschetta, of which I had a slice, and I noticed, just then, that I was watching him, wondering if he would make it to where I was sitting. Which he did, but I made a note to only be present with my conversation and not worry about anyone else or what was going in their mouths.

When I decided I was ready, I helped myself to one piece of my Caprese, a piece of another Caprese and a small hunk of cheese. I savored each bite and was perfectly happy. I had small spoonfuls of what they served for dinner and enjoyed each of those bites as well and didn’t go back for seconds as I was no longer hungry. When I finished, I threw away my plate so I would not be tempted to go back for more food for the simply sake of going back for more.

And as I left, I thought “wow, I did really well at that!” I practiced what all the experts say to do at things like this… don’t go to the event hungry, start with small servings, stay away from the food table when socializing and be mindful and enjoy your food. I feel VERY happy! And now, an hour later, I’m going to indulge in a single serving skinny cow ice cream cup. GO ME!!

What do YOU do to get through parties/ social events to enjoy the food and the people without stuffing yourself full?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Good food under emotional diress

This isn't one of the things I was going to talk about, but I do suppose it's relevant now. Things in my life have changed since my last post. My relationship of 6-9 months (depending on how you look at it) has ended. Things are still up in the air in regards to possible reconciliation, but at this time, we are not really in touch until our next talk date which is Friday. But that's a side note.

The point is... I'm sad. You know... like break up sad. I cry all the time, I reach for him in bed, I pout when I drink my morning coffee alone, and all songs, no matter what they are about, break my heart. A few hours after Special K left my house on Sunday, I went out with my best girl and had 12, count them TWELVE chicken wings. They were gooey, hot and fatty goodness. Except, when I think back on it, I really only enjoyed the first three. The others, I just shoveled in and didn't really notice. Wow, what a thing to realize.

So even though my eyes are leaking and I'm totally confused and sad, I have continued to eat my salad every day along with my rice, beans, fruit and seeds, and to do my work outs... No matter what. And honestly, having gone through breakups before, I feel way different. I feel like... I'm sad... but not broken. I'm crying but I'm not poisoning my body with loads of empty calories and fat. I'm still fueling and my energy is still maintained despite my emotion and that is... REALLY powerful stuff.

I can honestly say I have always taken advantage of going on an emotional eating bender. B/c fast food and ice cream comforts me. Right? Wrong. It makes me feel bloated and full and I don't even taste it. Now I am saving my fast food and ice cream moments for when I really want to enjoy it instead of using it to numb out. At least... for now. This is a huge, HUGE accomplishment and it goes to show you (ok, me) that mindless emotional eating doesn't have to occur at every emotional turn in one's life.

What a big revelation!! *as I sit here and munch on my salad* :-)

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Results and detaching from the outcome

Do you think it's even remotely possible to do something for ourselves for the sake of doing it? Something that is good for our minds, our bodies and our hearts (both figuratively and literally?) without expecting more noticeable results?

A couple of months ago, when I started down this journey of healthy eating and exercise, I told myself it was energy related. And it was. I was tired every day, barely able to keep my eyes open in the afternoons and I'm a pretty high energy person naturally so I just was not feeling like myself. And if you don't feel like yourself, then who are you? I continued to have very low energy even after being treated for hypothyroidism and that's when I started the basic diet my naturopath gave me with the whole grains, beans, leafy greens, nuts/seeds and fruit. That DEFINITELY helped. And then I decided to kick up my workouts that I was doing at home (thank you, Biggest Loser DVDs and P.S. I love you, Bob Harper) and bought some personal training sessions at my gym and committed to doing whatever he told me work-out wise.

And now, I feel like a million bucks. My energy level has picked up and is consistent throughout the entire day. My body is fueled much more efficiently and my metabolism has got to be revved up a bit from the additional cardio and weight training I'm doing. So yay!! Goal achieved. Right?

One would hope. But I haven't lost any weight. I found out today I've lost 5 inches in 5 weeks (mostly in my lower body) and while that is not an achievement to scoff at, my scale holds steady and my clothes almost feel tighter. So what's a girl to do?

Well, I could sit here and feel sorry for myself and binge on ice cream (which, trust me, sounds like a mighty fine option). Or I can stand up straight, pat myself on the back for my diligence and trust that whatever is meant to be, will be. If I am meant to weigh this weight, then I must learn to accept that the best I can. If I'm not, then I am learning some seriously awesome building blocks to make those changes happen; and they will happen, in their own time.

It's easy to become attached to an outcome/result and be disappointed when it's not what you want, especially when it comes to weight. It's harder to just trust and accept and do your best all the while. Today I'm going to put my energy into appreciating the body I have the best I know how, keep fighting the good fight and let the Universe do what it will with the rest.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Diets don't work

Dieting is all the rage and has been since well before my time. It is a katrillion dollar industry… selling based on our “trouble spots” or sense that something is wrong with us because we don’t look like the women we see in magazines. Well, you’ve heard all that before, so why be redundant, but you know… it can really get ya down!

I have tried it all. My mother put me on a 600 calorie a day diet when I was 11, determined to make me fit into the doctor’s ideas of what an appropriate weight is. (more on this later, as I’ll NEVER fit into that range). I was a normal girl and more chubby than fat, but here I was eating turkey deli meat and dill pickles and yogurt all day to starve myself to make my mother proud. And thus it started.

Since then I have done the zone, the grapefruit diet (I hate grapefruit!), Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, LA Weight loss (for 1 whole day before I asked for a refund), herbal diet pills, Dexatrime, Xenadrine (only stopping when I went on a hike in college and started having heart palpitations). I’ve done Body for Life, more and more and more Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. I’ve done fasting and cleanses and macro vegan. The only thing I haven’t done is low carb/high protein because that just never made sense to me. But you get my point. I’ve been there and done that. It’s exhausting. And expensive. I bet if I had all the money I ever spent on diets and slim fast shakes and protein bars and frozen boxed diet food, I’d probably be rich.

So finally, at 31, I’ve realized something. A light bulb has gone off. Diets don’t work. There is no miracle cure for being fat. But there is the math. And it seems so very very simple. Ingest fewer calories than you burn and you will lose weight. Take in 3500 calories less than you expend and you have just lost one pound.

But counting calories is tedious. And diets don’t work because we feel deprived or because they are bad for your body long term (or straight out gimmicks). So how does one manage their calories without having to be obsessively thinking about it but still get some of the foods that make them happy from time to time?

Well, this is the age old question and I’m still figuring it out. For me, lately, I’ve done my best to eat really healthy whole foods with less processed ones, less sugar and less hydrogenated oils. I try to eat what’s been recommended for me to eat every day by my naturopath. In case you’re wondering, that includes ¼ cup unroasted nuts or seeds (peanuts don’t count), 2 servings leafy greens (iceburg doesn’t count), 1 serving fruit (not banana), 1 serving whole grains (millet, steel cut oats, brown rice, quinoa, bulgar) and drink plenty of water. And I’m working out 5 days a week mixing cardio with weight training. I’m not losing weight drastically, but my body is changing and I feel great. I love my body for keeping up with me the best it can and I love myself for feeding it well. I have more energy and am better able to manage stress. As for the details, I suppose those will either sort themselves out or I’ll see how this goes and adjust accordingly. But as for the diets… I am boycotting. :-)

Monday, June 7, 2010

Day One

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Or so they say.

I have given the 'ole blog a face lift. Food, fitness and health are big issues for me. Always have been, and likely always will be. We have all "been there and done that" in some respects. I know I certainly have and I'm know I'm not alone. That many of you have these issues on your mind as well on any given day. This new space will be about my struggles and successes through the world of fitness, food and the constant quest to be healthy and love myself just as I am. I hope you will share your story with me in this venue as well as time goes on.

Buckle up, ladies and gents, it's going to be an awesome ride!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Who I want to be

I want many many things. Today I was overcome with desire of said dreams. These include, but are not limited to the following:

--> I want to shine. I want to be happy and healthy and have it glow off my skin.
--> I want to climb mountains and hills and even the world and raise my arms to the sky and shout "I AM HERE!"
--> I want to read all great books and watch all the great movies.
--> I dream to travel and explore. I want to see geysers and wild animals and waterfalls... Rivers, streams and valleys of forests and stone.
--> I want to not be overwhelmed by bills and money and debt.
--> I want sweat every day and have faith my body will be a powerful vessel in which my soul resides for this life.
--> I dream to make a difference in others' lives. To be influential, but not necessarily powerful. To share my light and experience and what wisdom I may have to those whom it can help.
--> I want to mend the fractures of what is broken in me in order to become whole and the best possible me.
--> I want to not be ruled by my ego.
--> I want to love without judgment or insecurity.
--> I want to inspire you.

Who do you want to be?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The wagon, firing the scale, and what to do from here

And here I thought things were going so well....

Last week I was ecstatic to report a 22.2 pound total weight loss. And then my damn scale says it's really 16.6. At least as of today. Jerks. Mr. Scale... you are FIRED! GRRRR!!

And then I'm thinking "well what happened?!" I mean... I'm on a new thyroid medication, I've been eating relatively good portion sizes and not making TERRIBLE choices. Oh. but I suppose they could be better. I splurged on a cheeseburger with Special K on Friday with some soft serve ice cream afterward. I also went to Ben and Jerry's twice in the last week. Got a cold and didn't work out for 10 days. Ate a shit ton of spaghetti and chocolate chip cookies. So... maybe THAT explains it. Just b/c i didn't eat out a lot and didn't scarf on wings doesn't mean that I was doing myself justice.

I made a pact with myself that I would not eat out at all this week. Mostly b/c I'm dirt poor and will be spending plenty of money this weekend that I don't have. I still managed to make more chocolate chip cookies yesterday and eat .... uh.... several.... after dinner.

As Nicole said to me... I'm back on the wagon today and "I can do it"! I found a calorie counter app for my iPhone and worked on that last night. I had a latte for breakfast and did my 20 minute cardio kickboxing work out (which, folks, if you haven't worked out for 10 days, do NOT expect THAT to be even remotely pleasant). And I'm eating lunch as we speak... I made some white beans and peppers, an orange, a salad, and 2 cookies. Can you tell I was hungry? I haven't even started on my orange and I have half my salad left and I'm like "ugh, I'm full!" I'll finish the salad and save my orange and 1 cookie (b/c you know I already ate the other!) for later.

My goal is not too far away. I have all year to lose it (although before summer wouldn't hurt). I got a taste of my clothes fitting better and I am mad at myself and mad at my scale. I've worked so very hard this month to get things right.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a huge advocate for NOT beating yourself up. For NOT subscribing to perfection. But I also know that I have issues with food and I know that if I do x, y and z, then I do a much better job of not going overboard or making food choices that aren't good for my body or my soul. I can honestly say that I do not care if I'm heavy my entire life. I just want to be active and pain free and have my organs and heart be healthy. If I can do that at 150 lbs or 300 lbs, then fine. I love my body and I love myself and I know that I am not defined by my size. But my health and ability to do the activities I love are CRUCIAL to my happiness and my joyful soul.

So moving forward, I will be sure that the core of my diet is getting in my daily produce. I will do my best to continue to work out 5 days a week. I will continue to explore OA meetings and read some OA literature. And first and foremost, I will be kind to myself. After all, don't we all deserve that for ourselves, from ourselves?

yes. yes we do.

Monday, April 19, 2010

movies movies movies

Last week I officially finished the 100 movies to see before you die per Yahoo! Movies. It took me just about 6 months to get through the list. I've been asked what my favorites were, so... here are movies I loved and hated and plain 'ole didn't understand.

Apocalypse Now
Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Double Indemnity
The Godfather
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
King Kong (1933)
M (1931)
Raise the Red Lantern
Singin in the Rain
Sunset Blvd
When Harry Met Sally
The World of Apu

Did NOT love (or understand):

2001: A Space Odyssey
All About Eve
The Battle of Algiers
Blue Velvet
The Bridge over River Kwai
Citizen Kane
Raging Bull

Next on list of things to do is AFI's list of Top 100. Luckily I'll only have a few as there is much crossover.

For movie lovers everywhere... I suggest you watch any top 100 lists. Even the movies I thought I'd pull my hair out watching... (and I made myself sit through ALL of them!)... I learned a lot and also found out I liked lots of movies I never thought I would. It's always does a body good to open one's mind. :)

Monday, April 12, 2010

Almost over

I'm almost done with the reintroduction phase of the elimination diet I'd done. Today is corn. Yesterday was sugar (and apparently chicken, but more on that later). I got a cold on Friday so I spent all weekend kind of snacking and drinking tons of OJ. Once my sore throat hit, though, the OJ was out (OUCH!). Not had too many bad reactions other there were some reactions around soy, eggs and very slightly with potatoes. I didn't feel super awesome on the sugar yesterday, but I only had a little bit and it was probably more the cold than anything else.

And the wings.


So here I've been vegan, then vegetarian over the last couple of weeks and I just dive into 9 wings while out to dinner with Nicole. I have no idea what came over me. Comfort food b/c I'm sick? PMS? It wasn't deprivation. I've felt surprisingly satisfied and have been trying to listen more to my hunger and less to the other senses that can easily take over in my issues with food. I don't feel guilty, necessarily about the wings, but I don't know why I made THAT specific choice so early on in this process. And luckily, it was one meal in one day, and today is a whole new day. Hurray!

And once my cold is better, I'll work out again. I didn't all weekend due to cold, but worked out hard last week, so that's good. Although I AM up 5 lbs. (let's pray it's just PMS)! I mean, seriously!

Special K and I have a burger date on Friday night so we can celebrate and gorge ourselves on beef and fries. hahaha! I've learned so much about myself and food in the last few weeks that it's fun to look forward to it and also knowing I'll probably feel totally gross afterward and will be glad to have a salad the next day. YAY!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Hump Day Randomisms

For those who used to follow my other blog back in the day, it's been some time since I put out a randomism blog. But I just had to today and maybe I'll start back up doing it again every week. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

So ... Why do people insist on riding their bikes down 82nd? It's VERY dangerous. Today there was someone pulling a tricycle like thing behind him and I'm like "omg, dude, I hope you don't die"....

I went to Winco today. I had my signal on for a spot and someone took it. I was pissed, but then I saw how white trash and sleazy they were and I figured maybe they needed the spot more than me. There were plenty of other spots so whatever. I was upset to find that the same cheese I bought at Freddies just moments before for $4.49 was $3.39 there. Damn it! Oh well. Cheap bulk goods made me happy. yay quinoa!

Special K and I have a burger date for next Friday. We'll have reintroduced potatoes and wheat by then so we're going to go have ourselves a double burger with fries at Cruiser's drive in. He is VERY excited to have a burger. It's one of our favorite foods and we are on the constant look out for a good one. So far, Slow bar is the best in town, hands down, but Cruiser's is a different sort of burger and we're going "all original" next weekend. Yessss!

I had my checkbook in my back pocket today to remember to take it downstairs and I forgot about it and after using the restroom, it fell in the toilet. Universe 1; Lindsay 0.

Special K is, by far, the hottest guy I've ever dated. He's all athletic and cute. He's all shoulders but has those hips I so love on a man. His hair is curly and ridiculously soft, as his skin, and he almost always smells absolutely delightful. He has great eyes and smile and teeth and is the best kisser (and other things). *dreamy sigh* I'm quite crazy about him. The fact that he's super hot is just icing on the cake. Doesn't hurt that he thinks I'm pretty hot too. yay!

Speaking of cake. Man that doesn't sound bad at all. Oh well. no cake for Lindsay.

April has already been such a good month and I think it's just going to keep on in that vein. Lots of fun things plans. I'm in love with this day today. I've done my errands and after work I'm going to curl up with my Cleopatra book (I'm only on page 600 out of 950!) and make a garbanzo and pistachio bake and watch a movie with the fireplace on. Because I'm worth it.

Happy Hump Day!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Practicing humility

I'm pretty good, overall, for asking what I need. I don't think I'm too prideful and I generally believe I deserve to be heard and considered in most situations (sign of confidence or just my Leo nature, I don't know?).

My point is, I'm scared. I mentioned it yesterday... food scares me. But I love it so! And I don't really know where to begin to dissect my relationship with food.

Last night is a fairly good example. I had tried cheese already in my diet and, while I wasn't sure if the reaction I had was to the cheese or to the eggs, I definitely had one and Dr. David suggested I leave both cheese and eggs out of my diet until later on in the reintroduction phase and then try it again. I had Jon over for dinner and I made this great vegetarian chili which was yummy and beautiful and colorful. He brought cheese to put on top. I was like "DAMN!" I thought I'd be fine with it, and I was, but then I looked over at him at one point and saw all the strings of melted cheese hanging off his spoon and I was just DRIVEN to have me some of that. I couldn't, though, b/c who knew there is so much shit in pre-packaged shredded cheese, but I did have a few pieces of baby Swiss I had in the fridge and I practically swallowed it whole. I decided I would try cheese again today and went to the store to buy more for today so I could do it up right. Good news is, so far I've had no reaction... but the bad news is... why was I so compelled to have the cheese? I've gone without it for a week and was fine. Why did seeing someone else have it mean I had to have it? I really do not understand this.

Last Sunday I went to an Overeaters' Anonymous meeting. I'm only a little ashamed to admit that. While I can ask for what I need, sometimes asking for help, especially when it seems like such a private subject, is harder for me. But last weekend, I reached out and asked for help. I want to deconstruct this issue I have with food. I know exactly what kind of relationship I want to have with it and I have no clue how to get there.

So here I am, asking strangers, and the universe, to be kind to me... to show me a path to wellness and health and positivity. To help me understand why I eat as though I was starved as a child (which, trust me, I was NOT) and to help me come to terms with how to love what I have and not hate what I don't.

"God... Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Monday, April 5, 2010

Holy Food Allergies, Batman!

This weekend started the reintroduction phase of the plan. We started small with tomatoes which was WONDERFUL b/c we found brown rice pasta noodles and were able to make spaghetti which tasted delightful. I was feeling so well, that I finished the night with 3 slices of cheese. Sunday morning I had 2 eggs. 3 hours later I had quite a violent reaction, but I don't know if it was to the cheese or the eggs. I ate 4 more eggs over the course of the day and had no further reaction to them. Dr. David says to put them both on the "positive for allergen" list for now and try them again later. Ugh. I could probably live without eggs, but CHEESE?! Oh dear lord. This is not how I wanted this to go. But... we will see. Today is butter. I had some brown rice with butter this morning for breakfast and will have some noodles with butter and some veggies with butter for lunch and then more veggies with butter for dinner.

I'm down a total of 11.8 pounds in the last week. (although it could also only be 7.2). Bottom line is I'm down 19.4 for the year so far. Which is good. I can't wait to hit that 30 lb mark.

I need to be more consistent about working out. I was last week but only b/c Special K was here with me. I do not want to work out today, but I will. Probably just a 25 minute cardio kickboxing DVD with some weight lifting or something. I was so excited to go to the gym yesterday, but had to leave early due to above mentioned "violent reaction" which leads me to believe I should stay close to home to work out this week and next while I'm reintroducing food. hahahaha! Don't want any accidents out there!

Jon and I have our weekly Monday night Queer as Folk and dinner night tonight and we'll see what he thinks of my brown rice/gluten free pasta noodles and sauce with no meat. I think he'll be ok. It'll be the first time I've eaten with anyone in 8 days other than Special K. I think it'll be ok since I'm still in a contained environment. I'm nervous about when I get to the point of eating out, though. I've realized over the last week that, for as much as I love food, I don't have a very good relationship with it. I want to be the person who eats to live and not lives to eat. But that's not who I am right now. Food scares me. And I'm going to need more than this elimination diet and cleanse to get me through this long term so I don't go back to my old habits. I'll talk about ideas I have regarding this next time. For today, this is all I have to say.

Hope you had a great weekend!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Cleanse Summary

Yesterday was the end of the hard core cleanse and marked the fifth day of this "adventure."

Last night was the first time I really was wanting something OTHER than what we were eating. Nothing sounded good but everything I couldn't have. I think I had set it in my mind that yesterday was the end, but I'd done such a great job of being prepared both logistically with the food and psychologically. However, when I woke up this morning and realized that I was going to be eating the same as the last 5 days with the exception of adding tomatoes, I was bummed. I bought things to eat during the week during my reintroduction phase. I'm focusing between tomorrow and Friday to add the following: butter, potatoes, citrus, eggs, cheese and wheat/gluten. Then the week after will add soy, corn, cottage cheese/yogurt, and maybe some meats. Sugar will be the very last thing I'll add. It's very hard to find any packaged food without sugar, potato starch, wheat or tomatoes. So if I can get 3 of those out of the way, then I'll be able to have a wider variety of foods. Thank god. ;)

I'm not sure why I'm tired today, but I am. Special K and I even bailed out of yoga today in favor of shopping, my getting my haircut, and watching Terminator at home.

Our day at the springs was wonderful yesterday and well deserved. But it's been my ritual to have Mexican food at this spot in Gresham on my way back that I love and I missed it last night and then I was just pouting about it all evening. But... I had a salad and sunflower seeds for dinner and I didn't deter. I committed to the 5 day cleanse and I finished it. And I'm proud of both myself and Special K for getting through this. It would have been so much more difficult without him here doing this with me... I'm eternally grateful for him.

Now I need to find a way to recommit myself to the process of reintroducing foods over the course of the next few weeks. Special K and I are watching the Final Four right now and he's just made some brown rice pasta with pasta sauce and I'm going to spoon up and see how it is. Oh dear lord, what I wouldn't give for some pizza.

more soon.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Cleanse Day FIVE

Hi all!

Today marks the official last day of the hard core cleanse. Tomorrow I'll start reintroducing foods back into my diet and seeing how my body reacts to see if I have an allergies. I'm going to start small. I think I'll start with tomatoes. Then butter (I know, sounds weird, but...) then potatoes (b/c what's a potato without butter?!) and then corn and then soy. Those are the most common ingredients (not the butter though) in just about any vegan recipe so, in order to carry this out a few more weeks while I'm doing the reintroduction phase, I'll be able to have a wider variety of recipes. Speaking of which....

Recipes for you today:
Pumpkin Curry with Lentils and Apples - I did not like this one, but it was Special K's favorite soup I've made thus far. So... I think to each their own on this. I used two different types of squash as pumpkin is no where to be found. I think I just don't love lentils.

Quinoa Veggie Salad with Zesty Vinaigrette - I just made this this morning for our outing to Bonneville Hot Springs so we wouldn't starve up there and while I haven't had an official dish, I tasted it and it is WONDERFUL! I didn't use tomatoes (obviously), but did add a third cucumber and a huge zucchini as this makes A LOT of salad!! I ended up making two batches of dressing in order to have enough. I can't wait to munch down on this (for weeks to come based on how much I have!)

Yesterday Special K was away from home and I worked out alone for the first time since Monday. I did a high intensity cardio DVD, but I'm ready to get back into the gym. Nothing does a body good like 45 minutes at the gym. Last night we went to Laughter Yoga, which, as usual, was a hoot. We finished Die Hard and Special K decided to sleep at home which meant I was in bed, lights out, by 10pm and slept HARD for 10 hours! whoa! I do have to note, though, that this has been an amazing week for Special K and I. We have gotten along remarkably well and I couldn't have asked for a better partner in this. My strengths are his weaknesses and his strengths are mine so it's very "chi"

One more thing to note for today as I shove my mouth full of quinoa and black beans leftover from a few nights ago as my first meal of the day at 11am..... I'm down another couple of pounds for a total of 6-10.6 lbs this week. I don't know which is more accurate b/c I got two numbers on day one. But I will say this... it's a total of 18.2 pounds for the year so far. I'm very happy about that. Now if only my clothes would fit me better (hence the need for the gym!).

Thanks for your continued support on my journey. I'll write my last daily installment regarding the cleanse tomorrow. I'm going to wrap up work early and head out to Bonneville Hot Springs with my sexy man for a congratulatory soak and day of R&R! Happy Friday!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Cleanse DAY FOUR

It's the beginning of Day Four and so far all is well. PLUS I'm down 9 lbs for a total of 16.6 for the year. That's a hair over halfway to the reasonable goal I'd set for myself for the year (but more is always good)!

I forgot to include my recipes since Monday. They have all been very good but there have definitely been favorites.

Day TWO:
White Beans and Peppers - This was not a soup like the picture indicates but it was SOOO GOOOOOD! I loved it!
Hawaij Vegetable Soup - We couldn't find Hawaij anywhere in town so we used regular curry powder. It was a very bland soup and we didn't use the potato or tomato (b/c we can't) or celery (b/c i hate it) and I added zucchini instead. We also used veggie broth and water instead of boullion b/c boullion is so not friendly to our diet (nor are most canned beans either so we used raw). With salt added, this was pretty tasty and very beautiful.

Vegetarian Cassoulet - Again, we cut out the potato, but it didn't need it, it's like a very thick stew as it was. We didn't need to cook it the 9 hours it says as it was VERY VERY done after 6 and we should have pulled it off after 5. Even though the beans were overdone, it was WONDERFUL. This dish was surprisingly tasty from all the herbs (again, added salt and a dash of cumin).
Quinoa with black beans - Wow. That's all I can say. No corn added, but this dish was FANTASTIC! I made it at night for lunch today but we couldn't help but dip into it a bit. It is outstanding and flavorful with a great texture.

I wasn't that hungry yesterday which surprised me. We'll see how today goes. I plan on doing a little work out here at home while Special K is out for most of the day until this evening doing stuff at his house. Tonight is Laughter Yoga and probably more movies. We're in the middle of Die Hard. hahaha! Awesome!

I'd like to have a nap today, but we will see. Howie is coming over to help me start my garden a bit and I have no idea what that means, but it'll be good to get outside a bit since work and Special K have kept me busy so far this week.

More tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


1pm: It seems as though nothing all that remarkable is happening. I'm not losing massive amounts of weight, I'm not on top of the world, and shockingly, I'm not really craving any food whatsoever. So.. I'm not sure if my expectations were out of whack, or what.

This morning Special K and I worked out again together to a DVD and he had breakfast early, while I grazed on some strawberries and a few raw cashews that took me nearly 5 hours to finish. I am not hungry today. I had some leftover garbanzo bean/pistachio bake for lunch ONLY b/c you can't eat very heavy several hours before yoga and yoga starts at 3:30. I'm down just about 13 lbs for the year, but only 5.2 since I weighed myself on Monday and frankly I'm not sure how accurate my first weigh in was since 3 hours later I was down 4.6 lbs. So... ANYway.

2:20pm: GOD!! The bulk items at WinCo almost did me in! I wanted a piece of easter chocolate something terrible. But it subsided. So far neither Special K nor I am really craving anything, but we have also been relatively sequestered and isolated. I'm finally hungry, but can't really eat anything as I need a pretty empty stomach for Yin Yoga.

This has been a lot easier than I thought it would be. The food we've made has all been very tasty and I'm not dissatisfied one bit. I also spent two weeks prepping myself for this so that helped as well. Do I imagine myself as a Macro Vegan or Vegetarian? Not really. But then again, we'll see how this all works out. I'm not putting this in a box yet other than committing to this process for what it is for now.

Basically... not much to report. I hope you are all having a great day!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Cleanse DAY TWO

Hi All!

Because it's been requested of me, here are the recipes I made yesterday. I have to say that the zesty garbanzo beans with pistachios was AMAZING!!!

So Day One seemed ok for me but a bit more difficult for Special K. We both had that empty fullness, or barely hungry feeling all day. Although we both worked out separately in the morning, we spend all evening on the couch watching movies. In case you're wondering, we watched Extract, Funny People and Food, Inc. Have you SEEN Food, Inc? My god... very frightening. I never want to eat anything with soy in it every again! Too bad EVERYthing has soy in it (except all the stuff we're eating this week actually). And soy is just the beginning.

Anyway. It's almost 9am now. Special K is on a walk and I'm a bit bleary eyed and definitely getting hungry. Will do a work out of some sort I THINK today although I'd really rather have a nap. LOL Hopefully I'll get more energy from this today or tomorrow. I drank a gallon plus of water yesterday so things are certainly being cleansed away.

Until tomorrow.... :)

Monday, March 29, 2010

Diet and Cleanse - DAY ONE

Today is Day One of my and Special K's elimination diet and cleanse. It is essentially a macro diet for 5 days and then we will reintroduce food one at a time which means we'll be eating like this really for about 3-4 weeks depending on what foods we will be able to tolerate and which ones we won't be able to during the reintroduction phase.

We spent the 10 days prior to this essentially pigging out. Eating burgers, fries, cheese galore, Mexican... whatever the heck we wanted. I am still 8 lbs down from the beginning of this year so I didn't just pack on a bunch of pounds from my scarfing everything in sight.

So today starts with me being pretty tired and low energy. Around 9am I go to make my liver cleanse tea for later and my steel cut oats, which I have loved in the past. But as I make the oats, and mix the first batch with blueberries, then add cinnamon, then add a dash of salt, and eventually add it to the trash can, I remember I loved my steel cut oats with a sprinkle of Splenda brown sugar, which is now a no go. My second batch tastes like powder from the heap of cinnamon I add so it, too, gets dumped. I opt, instead for a handful of cashews and almonds and a cup of strawberries.

Strangely enough, I'm not that hungry. So at 11:35am, after a 15 minute attempt at a nap and a 30 minute cardio kickboxing work out, most of my breakfast still remains to be eaten. I'm sure this will change soon. I'm sure I will be hungry every few hours once the meat and fat gets fully digested and out of my body from the last few days. Then I'll be ravenous. Hopefully Special K won't be missing any limbs by the time this is all over *gnaw gnaw gnaw*

Today for lunch I made a Garbanzo and Fennel soup thing which is a bit bland, but with salt should be fine. I have never cooked Fennel before. It doesn't seem to have a distinctive flavor or smell and I had NO idea how to cut it up, but... I made believe it was an onion and I treated it like one. Tonight's dinner entails a garbanzo and pistachio nut bake thing of some sort. For dessert, I think Special K will make some fried plantain. In between I have fresh mangoes, pears, apples, almond butter, grapes (that are to DIE for, by the way), pineapple, strawberries and some other green fruit that looks like squash but I actually have no idea what it is, but am excited to try it. I'm sure there will be lots of salads and nut munching, too.

Overall, I think I have some activities to keep Special K from being too bored here during the week and we'll be working out and going to the gym together as well. Tonight will be movies galore what with this crappy stormy weather and another night this week I'm sure we'll make into game night. Weird to watch movies and play games without a glass of wine or beer. I'm also taking Friday off so we can spend the day at the hot springs treating ourselves for a good Macro-Vegan week. :)

Already miss cottage cheese.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Elimination Diet and Whole Food Cleanse - T minus 17 days

My naturopath has prescribed an elimination diet and whole food cleanse to be done concurrently for a period of 5 days starting Monday March 29th. This is to determine any food allergies I may have that are causing my overall sense of sluggishness as of late and also to cleanse my fat cells and liver of any toxins to prompt weight loss, which is the secondary goal of my going to see Dr. David.

The difference between an elimination diet and the cleanse? NO animal products. I'll already be cutting out most meats, all dairy, all gluten, all refined sugar, some veggies and some fruits, but with the whole food cleanse, I will not be eating soy beans, tofu, lamb or any other animal products whatsoever. So essentially I'll be turning Vegan for 5 days and consisting on nuts, seeds, legunes, whole grains such as millet, steel cut oats, quionoa (sp?), beans other than soy beans, fruits other than citrus and veggies other than tomato, potato and corn. I can each as much as I want (I was warned I would likely be hungry every couple of hours) and it will force me to be creative in terms of tasty meal ideas as I can't eat out at all. All salads can only have dressing of olive oil and vinegar.

So why the wait between now and then? I've been given tasks in the next 2 weeks. Week One: Start eating through foods around the house that I need to get rid of (milk, cheese, meats, etc). Cut back from two cups of coffee to one. Look into getting a whole foods cookbook and do some research about whole foods cooking. Week Two: Cut down to 1/2 cup of coffee a day. Purchase all the foods I'll need for the 5 days. And start drinking a root blend tea once a day meant to purify the liver. When the cleanse/diet starts, I can drink no caffeine and have no alcohol.

Here is an interesting twist. On top of all of this, my boyfriend, Special K, is going to do it with me. Not only to support me, but b/c it's good for you and he loves all things that are good for you. He is nervous about no coffee, no beer (!!) and no yogurt (he loves his daily dose of culture). He also thinks he should stay with me for all 5 days so we can support each other through cravings, cook together, etc. Hmmm....

So... I'm actually really excited about this. I was nervous at the idea of doing an elimination diet b/c I thought it consisted of being on it for weeks and weeks but that is not the case at all and I can totally eat like this for only 5 days. I will likely feel amazing and may even find things I like and learn how to incorporate some of these foods into my daily diet after all is said and done.

I will likely be blogging during this process so stay tuned! :)

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Other Side of the Bed

It is very strange for me to get used to sleeping with someone in bed together more than the occasional sleepover that I once feared and longed for simultaneously. The adjustment to being in an actual relationship is a whole other story and we're not here to talk about that for now.

Now I have someone in my bed 1-3 nights a week depending on the week and, while it's been loads of fun, it's been an interesting adjustment. Here are some of the things one deals with when sleeping with a partner that you don't have to think about when you sleep alone:

* Space. I'm a diagonal sleeper. I have a Queen sized bed and when I first turn out the light, my head goes to the left and my feet to the right with my ass right dab in the middle. Now I have to sleep straight and stay relatively to my side so I'm not pushing him off the bed (while I'm sure that would be funny, loud thumps in the middle of the night startle me).

* Covers. Alone I have them all. With a partner, they always seem to slide to his side. I don't mind pulling them back to my side when I get cold or kicking them back over to him to roll around in when I get hot, but I find myself having to let go of what once was the near perfection of my bed. I used to wake up and gently pull the covers up and TA-DA the bed was made. Now it's a full on exercise b/c the sheet is pulled out from the bottom, I have no idea where one of the down comforters went and my abundance of pillows are every which way.

* Sweat. Now, night sweats are pretty rare for both my boyfriend and me, but it happens. When I'm alone, I'm like "ugh" but I just roll ever for dryer sheets and pillows and don't think anything of it. With a partner, you feel bad b/c they have to lay in their own wet stuff and while you want to give them some of your dry stuff, you don't want their sweaty selves all over you, either. Work out sweat is sexy. But for some reason, sleep sweat is not. Weird, right?

* Snoring. Alone I snore away and don't hear it. With a boyfriend, I wear earplugs but always worry I'm going to miss something he may say to me in the middle of the night.

* Every breath you take. We both wake up whenever the other person rolls over (prompting the other to, in turn, adjust their position). I get up to pee approximately 500 times when my boyfriend is over instead of my normal 100 times when I am alone and it always wakes him up. And the sweetheart always holds the covers back and snuggles with me when I come back (awww). Sometimes he doesn't fall asleep right away and for some reason, I don't tend to fall asleep fully until he does or well after. Other times, the man will get up at dawn and go for an hour walk and then come back to bed for more snuggles and napping, during which I usually sleep like a dead person.

The thing is... I have been alone and slept alone (and preferred to) for a long time. And even though it's an adjustment to sleep in the same bed with someone on a regular basis and I generally get a lot less sleep thus far than I normally would... I love every minute of it. This guy rocks my world in the best possible way and I love falling asleep next to him and having his face be the first I see in the morning. It is SO worth it.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Hi everyone! Long time, no talk. I was going through my MySpace blogs recently b/c I'm going to be closing my MySpace account and as I was going through and printing old blogs so I would have them always, I found this from June of 2008:

But... when i find the one. The right one. The one who is the balance between kind and exciting; good and naughty; sincere and passionate; etc etc.... .... I can't wait to do things like... make out for no reason other than to make out. Without even the end result being sex. To go on vacation together. To stay in bed all day and laugh and talk and nap and make love. To go to a far away tropical place and watch sunsets and make love on the beach and drink margaritas and mimosas and eat fresh fruit in our robes on a balcony. I can't wait to have an argument and TRUST that a fight doesn't mean the end of anything. I can't wait to be over my fear of someone just... changing their mind... b/c they love me and they would never just wake up one day and leave. I can't wait to have adventures and last minute road trips and to hike and swim and go fishing and to buy a boat and a home and to have a wedding and babies and a dog. I can't wait for any of it. Today, I FEEL that love. I feel mushy and flushed and excited. You'd think I had it bad for someone, but I don't. I'm just... happy at the idea of it. I really have to believe and have faith that all of this awaits me. That when I am ready, and I am healthy, and the other waste has faded from my heart and there is room, that this person will simply walk right into my life. And I won't feel swept away... rather it will be a gradual progression. And it will be real.

And just as I was in the middle of reading this, my boyfriend calls me. And so then I read it to him. And it made me cry. B/c you know. I put this out there. And I held onto it. And then I forgot. But in time, it came to me. And it's beautiful and amazing.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Well, it's about that time of year when I debrief on my resolutions which I've done for the past several years. For me personally, I'm a big resolution fan. In the last 4 years or so, I've typed them out and made them visible and seeing them every day has helped me to meet my goals.

Here is how I did in 2009:
1. Lose 50-85 lbs. Uhhh... I actually PUT ON weight. Oops.

2. Go to the gym 3 days a week and do one day a week of yoga. I don't think I did the yoga but for a long while I was working out very regularly, especially this spring and summer. Then I got sick and didn't go back. It's been six months.

3. Pursue hobbies:
* Knitting (made TONS of scarves and hats this year!)
* Writing (took a writing workshop and realized I'm just not a good writer. But I tried it!)
* Yoga/Meditation (fell very short on this. Early in the year, I did yoga and meditation with Nicole but that fizzled out quickly)
* Reading (I finally have been better about reading. I love it so much and never make time for it. And this year I did and I'm so glad!)
* Modeling (tried this too and had a few trade photo shoots. I don't think it's for me although I did have fun with it)
* Sewing (this wasn't originally on the list, but it is a hobby I've started. I don't know how to sew but I know how to make the machine go which means I made curtains and lots of bags. hahaha! Easy stuff)

4. Continue with CODA and step work. I finished my step study group and continue to go to meetings and read literature.

5. Take one vacation just for me and just for fun: I really ended up doing this a few times. I rented a beach house for 4 nights in May. I went to Vegas in early December which really wasn't just for me, but it was just for fun. And I just spent 4 days at the coast over New Year's which was very lazy and relaxing. It reminded me that I need to plan more trips, even if they are local. I value vacations!

6. Go on at least 3 hikes this year. I ended up going on 5 hikes! First time really getting out there and hiking in years. And I started with a doozie so I knew I could do it. It was great fun! I even went on one alone. Felt amazing!

So overall I think I did pretty well on my resolutions for 2009 and I think I set some very reasonable goals for 2010. They are as follows:

1. Lost 35 lbs (starting today in fact!)

2. go to gym 3 days a week, weight training 2 days a week and yoga OR meditation 1 day a week.

3. Learn to knit socks and gloves

4. Attend 2 CODA meetings a month and do the steps again on my own.

5. Go on at least FIVE hikes this year.

6. Quit Caffeine

7. Plan one 3+ night vacation.

And there you have it! We'll gather and discuss again in a year! If you are a resolution type, I hope you, too, set reasonable goals and wish you all the support you need to reach them!

Happy New Year!!