Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The wagon, firing the scale, and what to do from here

And here I thought things were going so well....

Last week I was ecstatic to report a 22.2 pound total weight loss. And then my damn scale says it's really 16.6. At least as of today. Jerks. Mr. Scale... you are FIRED! GRRRR!!

And then I'm thinking "well what happened?!" I mean... I'm on a new thyroid medication, I've been eating relatively good portion sizes and not making TERRIBLE choices. Oh. but I suppose they could be better. I splurged on a cheeseburger with Special K on Friday with some soft serve ice cream afterward. I also went to Ben and Jerry's twice in the last week. Got a cold and didn't work out for 10 days. Ate a shit ton of spaghetti and chocolate chip cookies. So... maybe THAT explains it. Just b/c i didn't eat out a lot and didn't scarf on wings doesn't mean that I was doing myself justice.

I made a pact with myself that I would not eat out at all this week. Mostly b/c I'm dirt poor and will be spending plenty of money this weekend that I don't have. I still managed to make more chocolate chip cookies yesterday and eat .... uh.... several.... after dinner.

As Nicole said to me... I'm back on the wagon today and "I can do it"! I found a calorie counter app for my iPhone and worked on that last night. I had a latte for breakfast and did my 20 minute cardio kickboxing work out (which, folks, if you haven't worked out for 10 days, do NOT expect THAT to be even remotely pleasant). And I'm eating lunch as we speak... I made some white beans and peppers, an orange, a salad, and 2 cookies. Can you tell I was hungry? I haven't even started on my orange and I have half my salad left and I'm like "ugh, I'm full!" I'll finish the salad and save my orange and 1 cookie (b/c you know I already ate the other!) for later.

My goal is not too far away. I have all year to lose it (although before summer wouldn't hurt). I got a taste of my clothes fitting better and I am mad at myself and mad at my scale. I've worked so very hard this month to get things right.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a huge advocate for NOT beating yourself up. For NOT subscribing to perfection. But I also know that I have issues with food and I know that if I do x, y and z, then I do a much better job of not going overboard or making food choices that aren't good for my body or my soul. I can honestly say that I do not care if I'm heavy my entire life. I just want to be active and pain free and have my organs and heart be healthy. If I can do that at 150 lbs or 300 lbs, then fine. I love my body and I love myself and I know that I am not defined by my size. But my health and ability to do the activities I love are CRUCIAL to my happiness and my joyful soul.

So moving forward, I will be sure that the core of my diet is getting in my daily produce. I will do my best to continue to work out 5 days a week. I will continue to explore OA meetings and read some OA literature. And first and foremost, I will be kind to myself. After all, don't we all deserve that for ourselves, from ourselves?

yes. yes we do.

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