Friday, July 29, 2011

The end of the beginning

The 6 weeks Dr supervised diet has ended. My calories are increased. I get to eat cheese (in moderation), broccoli, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, berries, peaches, bananas, turkey, salmon.... wonderful wonderful treats after so long of eating the same 20 things for 6 weeks. I lost 30 pounds... it was wonderfully successful and just the beginning. I am officially 80 pounds from my very heaviest (granted, that was long ago, but still)! I have about another 60-80 pounds left to lose but I am feeling so upbeat and positive. I feel hopeful that, with this significant of a weight loss and being here for the first time in so long, that I will continue this journey and lose the weight for the last time.

Not only have I busted my plateau, I have also started to do work around my relationship with food. I continue to read and educate myself on nutrition and food science/psychology which is fascinating. And I started back to my boot camp work out this week as well. It's already been such a journey and I know I have a long journey ahead, but I'm ready. And excited. I'm loving this new me and can't wait to see where the road ahead takes me.

Here are some progress photos. the first was at my 26th birthday (8/2005). I was over 300 pounds. The second is at the end of last year (12/2010) and then one from just yesterday (7/2011). I expect more to come! Thank you, friends, for your continued support!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Someday I'll look back at this and laugh...

That's what I tell myself. Just like any other trial or tribulation, there are lessons to be learned in all things. Growth potential at every turn. Someday I'll have a wonderfully healthy relationship with food and my body and I will think back and say "oh, ha ha ha, I can't believe I ever felt that way! Oh, silly me!"

At least, that's what I'm praying for. Right now I'm nearing the end of a 6 week, doctor supervised low calorie diet that has had it's ups and downs. It's been remarkably effective to finally get me over the hump of a months long plateau, but as I close on my last turn and can see the end of this phase only 7 1/2 days ahead, I find myself struggling in a way I can't remember every struggling like before. This weekend, I spent every waking moment fantasizing about food. I held a 2 oz chunk of fromage in my hand and thought to myself "if I could only eat this, I know I would feel better" which was shocking to me. On one hand, kudos to me for being so mindful and aware of my actual thought process but wow... how many times have I gone to eat something in the past for sole purpose of comforting an uncomfortable feeling? Millions I would assume.

I didn't eat the cheese. I'm too close to the end of this to give up now. But I'm hanging on by a thread and my teeth are clenched. I'm so tired of everything I put in my mouth, some days I choose to barely eat anything at all b/c it all tastes like shit so I just drink more water instead. I may never have ground beef, lettuce or asparagus ever again after this. My weight loss has gone from about 6 lbs a week to barely 2 and I don't even really care (okay, I do)... I am just getting through each day the best I can without jumping from a bridge. I literally feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. Being me feels SO intensely uncomfortable right now. And I don't know what to do because I've certainly had a rough go of things from time to time, but never like this. I have never felt like this before. It feels very badly.

So I buck up and try to spend the least amount of time on the pity pot if I can help it and reach, minute to minute, for when I can eat breakfast again. And eggs. And turkey meat. And broccoli (oh how I miss broccoli!). And I'm sure once I have normal calories, can work out and can add healthy fats added back into my diet, I'll be a happy camper and I can look back at this struggle and say "but you did it. And you did it amazingly well." Hopefully shortly thereafter the looking back and laughing thing will happen, too.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Newer version of oneself

I am about to undergo a short term, calorie restricted (and doctor supervised) diet to help jump start my weight loss which has been sluggish at best the last 9 months. In facing half the summer ahead with no social eating and specific calorie restrictions, I clench my fists, grit my teeth and square my shoulders for the challenges that lay ahead. I am committed and determined. Not that I haven't been before, but it's all too easy to have that glass of wine, or that bite of cheese or to order a sandwich instead of a salad when dining out. If I want to be successful, in the upcoming months, those choices won't be options for me.

And when faced with finally going below where I'm at, which is already smaller than I've been in many years... I have been pondering deeply the outcomes of losing weight other than the weight loss itself. How will I be different? WILL I be different? How will I relate to myself and others? Will my friends and family support me? Especially the ones who are plus sized as well... will they be happy for me if I reach my goals or will they be resentful? When my relationship with food changes, will my relationships with them have to change too? What do you do to socialize with someone if you're not going out for cocktails or coffee or a meal? (This is an easier question to answer in the summer when the weather is nice).

These are all things I am thinking about these days. I want my outer self to reflect who I feel my inner self is. But change is hard. And scary. And all I can do is my very best and... take things one day at a time.




Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Something is happening

In the last two months, I've done my best to incorporate a new and very restricted diet into my life. I've been okay without dairy for the most part, but not having fruit related products or sugars within eight hours of each other has proved complicated to always remember. And the no gluten / wheat thing straight up sucks. But... something is working. I've lost 10 lbs and a few inches although I will admit to a plateau as of now.

But what was amazing, was when I went to see my ND for updated blood work, the extreme differences in how my blood cells looked 2 months ago and how it looks now. I still have a ways to go to be my healthiest self and my liver is still being tricky along with my gall bladder, but things ARE improving, which is WONDERFUL!

My challenge right now is exercise. I'm in week three of no boot camp which has me feeling lazy and depressed. I have a bum shoulder and it's just not feeling better. I have been so busy at work that I haven't had time to work out during the day so I haven't done anything. I HAVE to figure something out. Either go back to boot camp next week and keep things modified or hit the gym. Or both so I'm getting the intensity I've been used to.

Now that my body is processing better, I want to see the results I deserve. It always feels like there is an obstacle. But I will persevere. I have worked way too darn hard not to.

On an interesting note, I was off plan while my boyfriend and I were in Bend this weekend and I noticed that I was sick sick sick from milk, cottage cheese and red wine! I could drink white wine okay and cheese didn't bother me much, but I thought that was interesting. And since we didn't really do many veggies this weekend, I was sooooo tired after every meal. Beer, wine, gluten, cheese.... I was very sleepy. Part of the benefit of being OFF plan every now and then is that I don't like the way it makes me feel so I can't wait to get a huge salad in front of me with veggies and beets and chicken breast and oil and vinegar and a touch of pepper. Yummm!

I continue to monitor the changes my body is going through, inside and out, and I just have to get the momentum to jump back into bootcamp and try to take it easy on my injured shoulder.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

La Resistance no longer!

My body has been resisting me inexplicably for months. I have nurtured it through regular exercise, whole and healthy foods and rests as needed. I have given it all I could provide and still it held firm behind enemy lines, menacingly preventing me from getting closer to my goals. "Viva La Resistance" it said!

And now, I have found the secret and it's begun it's retreat. Or, should I say, it's not being markedly stubborn, but rather working WITH me toward my goals versus against me.

I've been in a state of chronic frustration for months at how hard I'd been working at dropping weight and not seeing the results I expected. Is it reasonable to expect a 2 pound loss every week? No... but expecting more than 2 pounds a month is not out of the realm of possibility. When that wasn't happening for months on end, I finally went to a new ND I met at a lecture on cleansing. As I posted in my last blog, I learned SO much about my body and how it processed certain things! I was very sad to see dairy go away, along with foods you commonly take for granted, such as ketchup, wine, beer, pasta sauce, etc. (because of the fruit/sugar combo). The ND insisted I would feel so good I wouldn't really miss it. And she's right.

Here is what I've been experiencing since starting my new eating regime. I have constant energy throughout the day. No dips in the afternoon. No dips after meals. When it's time to go to bed, I am tired and sleep well. I feel alert and my mood feels very stabilized. When I have eaten dairy or fruit/sugar, I can feel the difference. I'm sluggish, tired and in the case of eating none of those, but probably having some MSG yesterday, I was literally quite ill... instant headache, nauseous and dizzy. It NEVER ceases to boggle my mind what your body will tell you when you're listening.

I am in a size pant I haven't work in probably 9 years. I've lost 9 pounds in the last month and am the lowest I've been on the scale now (finally) in probably 4 years (and even then, I just touched on this number and then returned to about 5 pounds heavier where I stayed for a long time). I feel amazing and I'm FINALLY seeing results which keeps me motivated. I've stopped counting calories or points and am just eating lean proteins, whole grains (no wheat or gluten either) and fresh fruit and veggies. I've discovered coconut milk ice cream which is well worth the extra expense it costs to get a product with only a handful of ingredients. I'm thrilled and can't wait to see how things continue to progress.

I am still maneuvering around eating out, socializing with food and certain genres of food (how do you eat Italian or Mexican if you don't eat cheese or flour?) but I'm making adjustments as I go.

It's true what they say... Nothing tastes as good as Thin feels. :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Signs of true change

Sometimes you don't really know how much you've changed until you revert back to an old habit and feel how much that habit no longer fits.

While I know 12 pounds in 4 months is still great progress, I feel like it should be more. With how hard I work out... with how clean and well I eat... that I really should have dropped weight more consistently and should have seen some more noticeable results. I'm working with a new naturopath to work on some issues that have come to light that are very likely preventing the success I expect. My body is not breaking down fat very well as though I were someone without a gall bladder; my liver is holding on to toxins making it difficult to lose weight, and while I'm on thyroid medication, it's not managed well enough and having that be an issue is like running in slow motion up a mountain. Big obstacles.

But this week I was feeling like giving up. I wanted to throw my hands up in the hair and say "F it!" It's more expensive and time consuming to eat healthy; I'm clearly not seeing results so what does it matter? So I consulted Burgerville and Haagen Daaz.

And 45 minutes later, when I was wondering why I was so damn sleepy in the middle of the day, I had to laugh at myself. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I allow myself my "off plan" meals but I haven't eaten like THAT in a long time. I would have enjoyed leftover taco salad more than the burger and would have felt better. And in that moment I gave into the process. I realized it's not worth going back to old habits. I've been so much improved in so many aspects of my food issues such as portion control, emotional eating and giving into cravings. Not only is it totally counter productive to go backward, but I feel like crap when I do.

I have to keep telling myself. even if I don't drop another pound *as hard as it is to accept that possibility* I feel GOOD when I eat clean and work out regularly. I feel BAD when I don't. It's the difference between a well oiled and fueled machine and a clunker. I've been a clunker so long that I fully appreciate what it's like to be running clean.

So even though I'm struggling... I can't give up. I just don't think I have it in me anymore to throw in the towel so easily. People count on me to continue my journey. I count on me to continue the journey. And isn't it about the journey, not the destination? *wink*

Thursday, February 3, 2011


I eat salad constantly. I love it! I love trying or inventing new dressings, finding new fun veggies to add to create a delightful spend of flavors and crunch.

I have fallen madly in love with beets after having several roasted beet salads in restaurants around town. So I found a great way to roast beets so I can eat them whenever I want!

I took two medium sized beets, cut off any stem parts and scrubbed the dirt off. I put on a piece of foil and drizzled with olive oil, then wrapped the foil around it. I then baked the beets in the oven at 425 degrees for about an hour and a half. You want to roast them until they are tender with a fork and time depends on size. I'd say start checking at about the 40 minute mark. If you have enough leftover, you can use the beet infused olive oil for making a dressing. Once the beets are cool enough to handle, use a knife or just your fingers to peel away the outer skin. I then cut them into slices and stored in a Tupperware container.

Generally my salads consist of a combination of two types of greens, generally green or romaine with spinach. I've also been adding some kale in there for an added nutritional boost. I top with tomato, zucchini, squash, a radish or two and a tablespoon of plain sunflower seeds from the bulk section of the supermarket. This week, though, I've substituted the tomato for the beets and the seeds for a sprinkling of feta cheese. I generally put in some leftover protein such as salmon, chicken breast or, this week, steak tenderloin.

Also this week I tried making a salad dressing from scratch. Normally I use a low fat hidden valley ranch, a yogurt blue cheese, OR just some olive oil and vinegar. For this, though, I got out the magic bullet. I blended about a tablespoon each of Dijon mustard, olive oil, pre-minced garlic, and 1-2 tablespoons of white wine vinegar. Add a dash of salt and pepper and blend away to creamy tangy goodness.

So there you have it. A majestic salad combination if I don't say so myself. I hope you find time to make one for yourself - it's so delicious and it doesn't hurt that it does a body good! :)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


It's that time again for rehashing 2010's resolution list and going over 2011's resolutions. The funny thing is... this year's resolutions are pretty much identical to last year's because I liked them all much!

So... for 2010, my resolutions and their outcomes are as follows:

1. Lost 35 pounds. I actually had a contest with a friend of mine regarding this and that was kaput pretty early on, but I still worked out it. I did not make my final goal, but I did lose about 17-19 pounds this year. Which is better than nothing so I'm pleased.

2. Go to the gym 3 days a week, weight training 2 days a week and yoga or meditation 1 day a week. Well, I was sporadic with this. I was hot and heavy in the new year, then took a break, then went back and worked with a trainer and did classes at the gym. And then I found Emily Johnson's Fit Body Bootcamp and now I work out 3-4 days a week with her AND do other things like Hula hooping, belly dancing and roller skating.

3. Learn to knit socks and gloves. I learned to knit socks, but only made one b/c it turned out so large I turned it into a stocking instead. oops.

4. CODA meetings at least twice a month and do the steps again. I didn't even come close to doing this.

5. Go on at least FIVE hikes. My hikes included Oaks Bottom on 2/6, Mt. Tabor Hill walk on 2/18, Powell Butte on 2/28, Oak Island on 3/6, Bagby Hot Springs 5/16, Nob Hill city walk on 8/10. That's six! YAY!

6. Plan 1 3+ night vacation. I spent 3 nights in Beaver, OR for Jenna's birthday over the 4th of July. I also spent the last 2 nights of 2010 and the first 5 nights of 2011 in MAUI! So I'm counting that!

My resolutions are mostly the same for 2011:
1. Lost 35 pounds. This WILL be the year. I can already feel it!
2. CONSISTENTLY do 4+ days of activity a week barring injury or illness
3. One day of yoga per week (already have a yoga membership through November!)
4. Make 1 pair of actual socks and 1 pair of gloves
5. Plan another 3+ night vacation.
6. Go on another FIVE+ hikes this year.

I feel well prepared for 1-3 and the rest will have to just be on my radar for opportunities and timing. Now that I’m back home from Maui and back in the swing of things, I started a 14 day fat flush through my boot camp ( so both my diet AND my fitness routine are off to a great start. I bought a year membership at a yoga and wellness studio for dirt cheap so will be taking a Hatha and Yin yoga class at least once a week. I’m excited and most importantly… I’m READY!