Sometimes you don't really know how much you've changed until you revert back to an old habit and feel how much that habit no longer fits.
While I know 12 pounds in 4 months is still great progress, I feel like it should be more. With how hard I work out... with how clean and well I eat... that I really should have dropped weight more consistently and should have seen some more noticeable results. I'm working with a new naturopath to work on some issues that have come to light that are very likely preventing the success I expect. My body is not breaking down fat very well as though I were someone without a gall bladder; my liver is holding on to toxins making it difficult to lose weight, and while I'm on thyroid medication, it's not managed well enough and having that be an issue is like running in slow motion up a mountain. Big obstacles.
But this week I was feeling like giving up. I wanted to throw my hands up in the hair and say "F it!" It's more expensive and time consuming to eat healthy; I'm clearly not seeing results so what does it matter? So I consulted Burgerville and Haagen Daaz.
And 45 minutes later, when I was wondering why I was so damn sleepy in the middle of the day, I had to laugh at myself. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I allow myself my "off plan" meals but I haven't eaten like THAT in a long time. I would have enjoyed leftover taco salad more than the burger and would have felt better. And in that moment I gave into the process. I realized it's not worth going back to old habits. I've been so much improved in so many aspects of my food issues such as portion control, emotional eating and giving into cravings. Not only is it totally counter productive to go backward, but I feel like crap when I do.
I have to keep telling myself. even if I don't drop another pound *as hard as it is to accept that possibility* I feel GOOD when I eat clean and work out regularly. I feel BAD when I don't. It's the difference between a well oiled and fueled machine and a clunker. I've been a clunker so long that I fully appreciate what it's like to be running clean.
So even though I'm struggling... I can't give up. I just don't think I have it in me anymore to throw in the towel so easily. People count on me to continue my journey. I count on me to continue the journey. And isn't it about the journey, not the destination? *wink*