Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The wagon, firing the scale, and what to do from here

And here I thought things were going so well....

Last week I was ecstatic to report a 22.2 pound total weight loss. And then my damn scale says it's really 16.6. At least as of today. Jerks. Mr. Scale... you are FIRED! GRRRR!!

And then I'm thinking "well what happened?!" I mean... I'm on a new thyroid medication, I've been eating relatively good portion sizes and not making TERRIBLE choices. Oh. but I suppose they could be better. I splurged on a cheeseburger with Special K on Friday with some soft serve ice cream afterward. I also went to Ben and Jerry's twice in the last week. Got a cold and didn't work out for 10 days. Ate a shit ton of spaghetti and chocolate chip cookies. So... maybe THAT explains it. Just b/c i didn't eat out a lot and didn't scarf on wings doesn't mean that I was doing myself justice.

I made a pact with myself that I would not eat out at all this week. Mostly b/c I'm dirt poor and will be spending plenty of money this weekend that I don't have. I still managed to make more chocolate chip cookies yesterday and eat .... uh.... several.... after dinner.

As Nicole said to me... I'm back on the wagon today and "I can do it"! I found a calorie counter app for my iPhone and worked on that last night. I had a latte for breakfast and did my 20 minute cardio kickboxing work out (which, folks, if you haven't worked out for 10 days, do NOT expect THAT to be even remotely pleasant). And I'm eating lunch as we speak... I made some white beans and peppers, an orange, a salad, and 2 cookies. Can you tell I was hungry? I haven't even started on my orange and I have half my salad left and I'm like "ugh, I'm full!" I'll finish the salad and save my orange and 1 cookie (b/c you know I already ate the other!) for later.

My goal is not too far away. I have all year to lose it (although before summer wouldn't hurt). I got a taste of my clothes fitting better and I am mad at myself and mad at my scale. I've worked so very hard this month to get things right.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a huge advocate for NOT beating yourself up. For NOT subscribing to perfection. But I also know that I have issues with food and I know that if I do x, y and z, then I do a much better job of not going overboard or making food choices that aren't good for my body or my soul. I can honestly say that I do not care if I'm heavy my entire life. I just want to be active and pain free and have my organs and heart be healthy. If I can do that at 150 lbs or 300 lbs, then fine. I love my body and I love myself and I know that I am not defined by my size. But my health and ability to do the activities I love are CRUCIAL to my happiness and my joyful soul.

So moving forward, I will be sure that the core of my diet is getting in my daily produce. I will do my best to continue to work out 5 days a week. I will continue to explore OA meetings and read some OA literature. And first and foremost, I will be kind to myself. After all, don't we all deserve that for ourselves, from ourselves?

yes. yes we do.

Monday, April 19, 2010

movies movies movies

Last week I officially finished the 100 movies to see before you die per Yahoo! Movies. It took me just about 6 months to get through the list. I've been asked what my favorites were, so... here are movies I loved and hated and plain 'ole didn't understand.

Apocalypse Now
Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Double Indemnity
The Godfather
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
King Kong (1933)
M (1931)
Raise the Red Lantern
Singin in the Rain
Sunset Blvd
When Harry Met Sally
The World of Apu

Did NOT love (or understand):

2001: A Space Odyssey
All About Eve
The Battle of Algiers
Blue Velvet
The Bridge over River Kwai
Citizen Kane
Raging Bull

Next on list of things to do is AFI's list of Top 100. Luckily I'll only have a few as there is much crossover.

For movie lovers everywhere... I suggest you watch any top 100 lists. Even the movies I thought I'd pull my hair out watching... (and I made myself sit through ALL of them!)... I learned a lot and also found out I liked lots of movies I never thought I would. It's always does a body good to open one's mind. :)

Monday, April 12, 2010

Almost over

I'm almost done with the reintroduction phase of the elimination diet I'd done. Today is corn. Yesterday was sugar (and apparently chicken, but more on that later). I got a cold on Friday so I spent all weekend kind of snacking and drinking tons of OJ. Once my sore throat hit, though, the OJ was out (OUCH!). Not had too many bad reactions other there were some reactions around soy, eggs and very slightly with potatoes. I didn't feel super awesome on the sugar yesterday, but I only had a little bit and it was probably more the cold than anything else.

And the wings.


So here I've been vegan, then vegetarian over the last couple of weeks and I just dive into 9 wings while out to dinner with Nicole. I have no idea what came over me. Comfort food b/c I'm sick? PMS? It wasn't deprivation. I've felt surprisingly satisfied and have been trying to listen more to my hunger and less to the other senses that can easily take over in my issues with food. I don't feel guilty, necessarily about the wings, but I don't know why I made THAT specific choice so early on in this process. And luckily, it was one meal in one day, and today is a whole new day. Hurray!

And once my cold is better, I'll work out again. I didn't all weekend due to cold, but worked out hard last week, so that's good. Although I AM up 5 lbs. (let's pray it's just PMS)! I mean, seriously!

Special K and I have a burger date on Friday night so we can celebrate and gorge ourselves on beef and fries. hahaha! I've learned so much about myself and food in the last few weeks that it's fun to look forward to it and also knowing I'll probably feel totally gross afterward and will be glad to have a salad the next day. YAY!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Hump Day Randomisms

For those who used to follow my other blog back in the day, it's been some time since I put out a randomism blog. But I just had to today and maybe I'll start back up doing it again every week. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

So ... Why do people insist on riding their bikes down 82nd? It's VERY dangerous. Today there was someone pulling a tricycle like thing behind him and I'm like "omg, dude, I hope you don't die"....

I went to Winco today. I had my signal on for a spot and someone took it. I was pissed, but then I saw how white trash and sleazy they were and I figured maybe they needed the spot more than me. There were plenty of other spots so whatever. I was upset to find that the same cheese I bought at Freddies just moments before for $4.49 was $3.39 there. Damn it! Oh well. Cheap bulk goods made me happy. yay quinoa!

Special K and I have a burger date for next Friday. We'll have reintroduced potatoes and wheat by then so we're going to go have ourselves a double burger with fries at Cruiser's drive in. He is VERY excited to have a burger. It's one of our favorite foods and we are on the constant look out for a good one. So far, Slow bar is the best in town, hands down, but Cruiser's is a different sort of burger and we're going "all original" next weekend. Yessss!

I had my checkbook in my back pocket today to remember to take it downstairs and I forgot about it and after using the restroom, it fell in the toilet. Universe 1; Lindsay 0.

Special K is, by far, the hottest guy I've ever dated. He's all athletic and cute. He's all shoulders but has those hips I so love on a man. His hair is curly and ridiculously soft, as his skin, and he almost always smells absolutely delightful. He has great eyes and smile and teeth and is the best kisser (and other things). *dreamy sigh* I'm quite crazy about him. The fact that he's super hot is just icing on the cake. Doesn't hurt that he thinks I'm pretty hot too. yay!

Speaking of cake. Man that doesn't sound bad at all. Oh well. no cake for Lindsay.

April has already been such a good month and I think it's just going to keep on in that vein. Lots of fun things plans. I'm in love with this day today. I've done my errands and after work I'm going to curl up with my Cleopatra book (I'm only on page 600 out of 950!) and make a garbanzo and pistachio bake and watch a movie with the fireplace on. Because I'm worth it.

Happy Hump Day!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Practicing humility

I'm pretty good, overall, for asking what I need. I don't think I'm too prideful and I generally believe I deserve to be heard and considered in most situations (sign of confidence or just my Leo nature, I don't know?).

My point is, I'm scared. I mentioned it yesterday... food scares me. But I love it so! And I don't really know where to begin to dissect my relationship with food.

Last night is a fairly good example. I had tried cheese already in my diet and, while I wasn't sure if the reaction I had was to the cheese or to the eggs, I definitely had one and Dr. David suggested I leave both cheese and eggs out of my diet until later on in the reintroduction phase and then try it again. I had Jon over for dinner and I made this great vegetarian chili which was yummy and beautiful and colorful. He brought cheese to put on top. I was like "DAMN!" I thought I'd be fine with it, and I was, but then I looked over at him at one point and saw all the strings of melted cheese hanging off his spoon and I was just DRIVEN to have me some of that. I couldn't, though, b/c who knew there is so much shit in pre-packaged shredded cheese, but I did have a few pieces of baby Swiss I had in the fridge and I practically swallowed it whole. I decided I would try cheese again today and went to the store to buy more for today so I could do it up right. Good news is, so far I've had no reaction... but the bad news is... why was I so compelled to have the cheese? I've gone without it for a week and was fine. Why did seeing someone else have it mean I had to have it? I really do not understand this.

Last Sunday I went to an Overeaters' Anonymous meeting. I'm only a little ashamed to admit that. While I can ask for what I need, sometimes asking for help, especially when it seems like such a private subject, is harder for me. But last weekend, I reached out and asked for help. I want to deconstruct this issue I have with food. I know exactly what kind of relationship I want to have with it and I have no clue how to get there.

So here I am, asking strangers, and the universe, to be kind to me... to show me a path to wellness and health and positivity. To help me understand why I eat as though I was starved as a child (which, trust me, I was NOT) and to help me come to terms with how to love what I have and not hate what I don't.

"God... Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Monday, April 5, 2010

Holy Food Allergies, Batman!

This weekend started the reintroduction phase of the plan. We started small with tomatoes which was WONDERFUL b/c we found brown rice pasta noodles and were able to make spaghetti which tasted delightful. I was feeling so well, that I finished the night with 3 slices of cheese. Sunday morning I had 2 eggs. 3 hours later I had quite a violent reaction, but I don't know if it was to the cheese or the eggs. I ate 4 more eggs over the course of the day and had no further reaction to them. Dr. David says to put them both on the "positive for allergen" list for now and try them again later. Ugh. I could probably live without eggs, but CHEESE?! Oh dear lord. This is not how I wanted this to go. But... we will see. Today is butter. I had some brown rice with butter this morning for breakfast and will have some noodles with butter and some veggies with butter for lunch and then more veggies with butter for dinner.

I'm down a total of 11.8 pounds in the last week. (although it could also only be 7.2). Bottom line is I'm down 19.4 for the year so far. Which is good. I can't wait to hit that 30 lb mark.

I need to be more consistent about working out. I was last week but only b/c Special K was here with me. I do not want to work out today, but I will. Probably just a 25 minute cardio kickboxing DVD with some weight lifting or something. I was so excited to go to the gym yesterday, but had to leave early due to above mentioned "violent reaction" which leads me to believe I should stay close to home to work out this week and next while I'm reintroducing food. hahahaha! Don't want any accidents out there!

Jon and I have our weekly Monday night Queer as Folk and dinner night tonight and we'll see what he thinks of my brown rice/gluten free pasta noodles and sauce with no meat. I think he'll be ok. It'll be the first time I've eaten with anyone in 8 days other than Special K. I think it'll be ok since I'm still in a contained environment. I'm nervous about when I get to the point of eating out, though. I've realized over the last week that, for as much as I love food, I don't have a very good relationship with it. I want to be the person who eats to live and not lives to eat. But that's not who I am right now. Food scares me. And I'm going to need more than this elimination diet and cleanse to get me through this long term so I don't go back to my old habits. I'll talk about ideas I have regarding this next time. For today, this is all I have to say.

Hope you had a great weekend!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Cleanse Summary

Yesterday was the end of the hard core cleanse and marked the fifth day of this "adventure."

Last night was the first time I really was wanting something OTHER than what we were eating. Nothing sounded good but everything I couldn't have. I think I had set it in my mind that yesterday was the end, but I'd done such a great job of being prepared both logistically with the food and psychologically. However, when I woke up this morning and realized that I was going to be eating the same as the last 5 days with the exception of adding tomatoes, I was bummed. I bought things to eat during the week during my reintroduction phase. I'm focusing between tomorrow and Friday to add the following: butter, potatoes, citrus, eggs, cheese and wheat/gluten. Then the week after will add soy, corn, cottage cheese/yogurt, and maybe some meats. Sugar will be the very last thing I'll add. It's very hard to find any packaged food without sugar, potato starch, wheat or tomatoes. So if I can get 3 of those out of the way, then I'll be able to have a wider variety of foods. Thank god. ;)

I'm not sure why I'm tired today, but I am. Special K and I even bailed out of yoga today in favor of shopping, my getting my haircut, and watching Terminator at home.

Our day at the springs was wonderful yesterday and well deserved. But it's been my ritual to have Mexican food at this spot in Gresham on my way back that I love and I missed it last night and then I was just pouting about it all evening. But... I had a salad and sunflower seeds for dinner and I didn't deter. I committed to the 5 day cleanse and I finished it. And I'm proud of both myself and Special K for getting through this. It would have been so much more difficult without him here doing this with me... I'm eternally grateful for him.

Now I need to find a way to recommit myself to the process of reintroducing foods over the course of the next few weeks. Special K and I are watching the Final Four right now and he's just made some brown rice pasta with pasta sauce and I'm going to spoon up and see how it is. Oh dear lord, what I wouldn't give for some pizza.

more soon.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Cleanse Day FIVE

Hi all!

Today marks the official last day of the hard core cleanse. Tomorrow I'll start reintroducing foods back into my diet and seeing how my body reacts to see if I have an allergies. I'm going to start small. I think I'll start with tomatoes. Then butter (I know, sounds weird, but...) then potatoes (b/c what's a potato without butter?!) and then corn and then soy. Those are the most common ingredients (not the butter though) in just about any vegan recipe so, in order to carry this out a few more weeks while I'm doing the reintroduction phase, I'll be able to have a wider variety of recipes. Speaking of which....

Recipes for you today:
Pumpkin Curry with Lentils and Apples - I did not like this one, but it was Special K's favorite soup I've made thus far. So... I think to each their own on this. I used two different types of squash as pumpkin is no where to be found. I think I just don't love lentils.

Quinoa Veggie Salad with Zesty Vinaigrette - I just made this this morning for our outing to Bonneville Hot Springs so we wouldn't starve up there and while I haven't had an official dish, I tasted it and it is WONDERFUL! I didn't use tomatoes (obviously), but did add a third cucumber and a huge zucchini as this makes A LOT of salad!! I ended up making two batches of dressing in order to have enough. I can't wait to munch down on this (for weeks to come based on how much I have!)

Yesterday Special K was away from home and I worked out alone for the first time since Monday. I did a high intensity cardio DVD, but I'm ready to get back into the gym. Nothing does a body good like 45 minutes at the gym. Last night we went to Laughter Yoga, which, as usual, was a hoot. We finished Die Hard and Special K decided to sleep at home which meant I was in bed, lights out, by 10pm and slept HARD for 10 hours! whoa! I do have to note, though, that this has been an amazing week for Special K and I. We have gotten along remarkably well and I couldn't have asked for a better partner in this. My strengths are his weaknesses and his strengths are mine so it's very "chi"

One more thing to note for today as I shove my mouth full of quinoa and black beans leftover from a few nights ago as my first meal of the day at 11am..... I'm down another couple of pounds for a total of 6-10.6 lbs this week. I don't know which is more accurate b/c I got two numbers on day one. But I will say this... it's a total of 18.2 pounds for the year so far. I'm very happy about that. Now if only my clothes would fit me better (hence the need for the gym!).

Thanks for your continued support on my journey. I'll write my last daily installment regarding the cleanse tomorrow. I'm going to wrap up work early and head out to Bonneville Hot Springs with my sexy man for a congratulatory soak and day of R&R! Happy Friday!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Cleanse DAY FOUR

It's the beginning of Day Four and so far all is well. PLUS I'm down 9 lbs for a total of 16.6 for the year. That's a hair over halfway to the reasonable goal I'd set for myself for the year (but more is always good)!

I forgot to include my recipes since Monday. They have all been very good but there have definitely been favorites.

Day TWO:
White Beans and Peppers - This was not a soup like the picture indicates but it was SOOO GOOOOOD! I loved it!
Hawaij Vegetable Soup - We couldn't find Hawaij anywhere in town so we used regular curry powder. It was a very bland soup and we didn't use the potato or tomato (b/c we can't) or celery (b/c i hate it) and I added zucchini instead. We also used veggie broth and water instead of boullion b/c boullion is so not friendly to our diet (nor are most canned beans either so we used raw). With salt added, this was pretty tasty and very beautiful.

Vegetarian Cassoulet - Again, we cut out the potato, but it didn't need it, it's like a very thick stew as it was. We didn't need to cook it the 9 hours it says as it was VERY VERY done after 6 and we should have pulled it off after 5. Even though the beans were overdone, it was WONDERFUL. This dish was surprisingly tasty from all the herbs (again, added salt and a dash of cumin).
Quinoa with black beans - Wow. That's all I can say. No corn added, but this dish was FANTASTIC! I made it at night for lunch today but we couldn't help but dip into it a bit. It is outstanding and flavorful with a great texture.

I wasn't that hungry yesterday which surprised me. We'll see how today goes. I plan on doing a little work out here at home while Special K is out for most of the day until this evening doing stuff at his house. Tonight is Laughter Yoga and probably more movies. We're in the middle of Die Hard. hahaha! Awesome!

I'd like to have a nap today, but we will see. Howie is coming over to help me start my garden a bit and I have no idea what that means, but it'll be good to get outside a bit since work and Special K have kept me busy so far this week.

More tomorrow!