Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Practicing humility

I'm pretty good, overall, for asking what I need. I don't think I'm too prideful and I generally believe I deserve to be heard and considered in most situations (sign of confidence or just my Leo nature, I don't know?).

My point is, I'm scared. I mentioned it yesterday... food scares me. But I love it so! And I don't really know where to begin to dissect my relationship with food.

Last night is a fairly good example. I had tried cheese already in my diet and, while I wasn't sure if the reaction I had was to the cheese or to the eggs, I definitely had one and Dr. David suggested I leave both cheese and eggs out of my diet until later on in the reintroduction phase and then try it again. I had Jon over for dinner and I made this great vegetarian chili which was yummy and beautiful and colorful. He brought cheese to put on top. I was like "DAMN!" I thought I'd be fine with it, and I was, but then I looked over at him at one point and saw all the strings of melted cheese hanging off his spoon and I was just DRIVEN to have me some of that. I couldn't, though, b/c who knew there is so much shit in pre-packaged shredded cheese, but I did have a few pieces of baby Swiss I had in the fridge and I practically swallowed it whole. I decided I would try cheese again today and went to the store to buy more for today so I could do it up right. Good news is, so far I've had no reaction... but the bad news is... why was I so compelled to have the cheese? I've gone without it for a week and was fine. Why did seeing someone else have it mean I had to have it? I really do not understand this.

Last Sunday I went to an Overeaters' Anonymous meeting. I'm only a little ashamed to admit that. While I can ask for what I need, sometimes asking for help, especially when it seems like such a private subject, is harder for me. But last weekend, I reached out and asked for help. I want to deconstruct this issue I have with food. I know exactly what kind of relationship I want to have with it and I have no clue how to get there.

So here I am, asking strangers, and the universe, to be kind to me... to show me a path to wellness and health and positivity. To help me understand why I eat as though I was starved as a child (which, trust me, I was NOT) and to help me come to terms with how to love what I have and not hate what I don't.

"God... Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

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