July 20, 2009 - Monday
Current mood: drained
I jumped on the scale on Friday morning and I just stood there. Expecting the number to go down, to change. To be anything but what it was. It took me 4 weeks to lose 7.5 pounds and one week to put 5.2 back on. I was pissed. I didn't eat 100% on plan, but I certainly didn't eat anything I really shouldn't have other than a piece of pizza on a day I worked out twice.... so what the hell?
My mood plummeted all day Friday. I tried all day to maintain perspective. But it's not like I LOOK different or FEEL thinner ... hell, my clothes aren't even fitting looser yet after 13.5 inches and a total of 11 (was 16 thank you very much) pounds. I don't understand. My feeling all day was ... "fuck it. I'm working so damn hard and so why bother?"... and all I wanted to do was eat.
But I didn't. I mean, not really. I ate all the rest of my normal meals I would have that day. I went to dinner with Howard and stuffed my face with Nachos and drank 3 fruit punch and rum beverages with a few M&Ms and some cheese and crackers, but... overall, in the big picture, I didn't do what I wanted to do. Which was burgers and fries and ice cream with chocolate syrup.
What was amazing was... for how sad and upset I was about the gain, I woke up at 7am the next morning and all I wanted to do was go outside and do something. Go for a hike. Go on a bike ride. I didn't get on the bike b/c I'm scared of the bike. I haven't really ridden a bike as an adult and even though I just got a lovely new one... I didn't think I could do it yet. No one was awake at 7. or 8. or 9. to go on a hike with me. So I resolved to go by myself. I've been on a handful of hikes ONLY my entire life. This would have been my third this summer and I would have never imagined going alone. But I visualized it first and I got directions and a route to what seemed like a not too difficult hike. I went to the cafe, had a bagel with an egg and a small latte... talked with the very cute barista for a long time and made my way to my route of a 3 mile loop in forest park. I have lived in Oregon most of my life and I have never been to forest park. I had a really wonderful time. I pushed myself, I kept up my heart rate. I rested when I needed to. I talked to a lot of people. Not just hellos but actual conversations. I stopped to breath in the fresh air and the sunshine and revel in the sounds of the birds and the creek. I was beyond happy. I even peed behind a tree. LOL It took me 90 minutes to do those 3 miles (due to my jabbering mostly) and i burned 1000 calories. I was so proud of myself I thought I would burst open. I spent most of the entire day minus one hour by myself doing whatever it was I wanted to do.
Sunday was another story. The one thing I had planned to do and had my heart set on doing fell through. I was so upset and disappointed. And then something else happened and I got angry. Really angry. I went to my CODA meeting and I decided that I would go on a bike ride by myself after all. If everyone was going to bail on me then I'll do something alone. Granted, I'd spent Saturday alone so I really wanted to spend time with friends and have conversation but... that's not the way it was happening so... I made a decision to do my best to enjoy my day and be outside and have fun. So. I took my bike on my car to Sellwood and rode along the spring water corridor north towards the Ross Island Bridge. I couldn't believe I was riding a bike! The wind felt great, the sun felt great... But then I started having troubles with my seat. My fatalistic and angry mood led me to believe I was too fat for the bike. I turned around and cried all the way back to the car. While some of you make laugh at this and think it's funny, I assure it was not funny. I am not laughing. My morning sucked some serious F-ing ass. After dealing with the seat (it just wasn't tight enough), my mood improved. I went to Howard's and spent an hour doing yardwork for him and then home to shower and read. ANd then BBQd with Nicole and Eric and had the most delectable meal!!
It was, overall, minus a few hours of intense anger and disappointment, a really wonderful weekend full of break throughs for me. And even though I'm disappointed about the 5 lbs, maybe it's muscle. Maybe b/c it's been so warm, Im just retaining water. Who knows. But I'm still on the path I started on. I committed to 12 weeks and I'm halfway there (I can't believe it!!!)
The bottom line for me was... 1. I'm becoming that active person I always imagined myself to be. I am doing these things for FUN not for exercise and that makes a huge difference in how I go into the specified activity. 2. My activity and sense of adventure is not tied to someone else. I did what I wanted to do this weekend and I did it alone. And it was wonderful. 3. Not once, not twice, but THREE times, I went out.. in public... and SOCIALIZED with no sleeves. That's right... I wore tank tops and a dress with no sleeves all weekend. No sleeves. And I didn't bring it to everyone's attention, I just... went about my day. These are all really really big deals for me.
My knee has been bothering me (due to Patello-Femoral Syndrom, so the Dr. told me today) so hiking may be limited for some time, but... walking and biking are approved activities and I'm having a great time. If any of you are ok with me having to stop and pant pretty much constantly on an uphill incline and like to hike... let me know. I could use some activity partners.
Have a great week everyone!