June 28, 2009 - Sunday
Current mood: jubilant
You know, if I'm going to do a blogging series about this 12 week diet/exercise challenge I'm on, I need a snazzy name to call it, don't you think? Help me think of one. Something i can call it every week and then a specific topic perhaps I will cover. What are your ideas?
Well, week 2 was a bit tougher for 2 reasons. 1. I was VERY tired Monday-Thursday this week and 2. I was getting up before work and working out every day this week. 3 days of cardio and 2 days of weights in 5 days. I'm only getting up an hour earlier, but it's still rough for me. I like sleeping. A lot.
But I'm down another 2 pounds this week. For a total of 4.5 since starting the challenge, a total of 13 since the beginning of June (thanks sore throat and food poisoning!) and 43 lbs down from my all time heaviest weight. So although I felt I ate a bit more liberally (on program, however), I must have been doing something right. Friday I kicked my tired thing (I'm hoping was just PMS considering how AWESOME I felt the week before) and have been back in my happy state of being once more all weekend. Which feels ... well... after months of feeling low and unhappy and depressed and, worst of all, angry... it feels really wonderful to feel like an even better version of myself. To feel light and airy and happy and thankful. Despite it all. Because of it all. Etc.
So, today I'd like to talk about exercise. See... when I first started going to the gym 3 + years ago, I went gung ho. I worked just blocks from the downtown 24 hour fitness and I would go there after work at least 3 nights a week and then hit the gym maybe one weekend day if I was feeling adventurous or had a buddy to go with me. I was diligent. I had a trainer and did 35-60 minutes of cardio. I lost weight, lost sizes, I was feeling great. Obvioiusly that didn't last. Although I've never quit the gym entirely and I've never gone longer than 3 months without going in to work out, I HAVE lost the drive to go 4 days a week and get that high that comes from a good strong work out.
But see, here's what's funny. Is despite my being a fat girl... and a relatively out of shape girl with the exception of the elliptical and a few weight machines... I have, since first joining my gym those years ago, always seen myself as an active person. I visualize and imagine myself hiking up to top peaks in the gorge to picnic near a beautiful waterfall and soak in the nature and the view of all around me. I imagine myself rafting down the river with my friends every summer when they plan their annual trip. I imagine myself learning to kayak and rock climb and biking around town. It's all a very pretty image that I very much enjoy going to.
But here is the truth. I'm intensely insecure about hiking as I fear my being so out of breath will be an annoyance to my hiking partner, whomever that may be, and probably anyone else on the hiking trail who has to pass me and hear my heavy wheezing, wondering what the fat girl is doing there. I don't like intense rafting b/c it scares me, but I haven't even been on easy rafting expeditions b/c I'm certain I will sink the raft. And the kayak. And lifting my heft up a vertical plane? riiiight. And I have been on a bike once since I was 15. I'm wobbly and have no idea what I'm doing and am nervous about drivers killing me (knowing, as a driver in a town full of cyclists, how i want to kill them most of the time).
I have a very full summer. And I think I've found myself a very compatible hiking partner who is probably a bit more fit than me and definitely lighter, but won't laugh and will understand if I need to step every 10 steps. I have a biking friend who likes to ride slow so I can start slow and small with her... she will be supportive. I'm going to go river floating on my own inter tube next weekend ... and if I sink the boat, then at least I'm the only one who will drown. I sincerely hope that I will be able to clear up some of the dissonance in my mind about who I think I am and who I really am. Once you get me out there, I always have a good time. It's getting me out there, getting me over my insecurities and fretfulness about being the out of breath fat lady that is the challenge. But once I'm there, and I'm doing it.... man I do it well and I have a blast.
And isn't that what this is ALL about anyway? Having fun? Being joyful? B/c my soul is joyful and I sure as damn hell want to tap into that as much as I can.
I wish you all a wonderful and active week this week! Tell me how YOU are doing. :-)