Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Change in perspective

I felt so great last summer after having lost 35 pounds and I haven't gotten out of my mourning of having gained it all back so quickly during the winter. I'm having so much difficulty staying motivated when it comes to eating well. I did a 15 day juice cleanse and a 4 week Whole30 Paleo diet at the beginning of the year and ended up losing 4 pounds when it was all said and done. Needless to say I'm discouraged. I'm working out 2-3 x a day, eating 1600-2000 calories (sometimes you need more when you're burning so much more) but I'm still having days where I drink too much or go 5 (or 10) bites past full. Where I pick up a bag of MMs instead of an apple when I feel like something sweet.

I was told by my most recent manager yesterday that I was perfect and fantastic and successful. And I let that wash over me until I went to a body pump class at my new gym and all I could see was my stomach rolls. I AM successful. I have a great life. I keep thinking to myself... I'm going to be 65 years old and I'm going to so regret having wasted so much time being unhappy with myself. But I don't know how to change that. I know there is a lot of fat acceptance stuff I could read (and have) but the truth is, I want to lose weight. I don't need to be a size 4. I just want to be a size 14. I want to be an XL. I just want to be able to shop at Old Navy or Target. That's not a huge goal.

But I am so angry at how hard it is for me to get there. I have tried (almost) everything. And I'm not a gimmick girl so I don't subscribe to this diet pill or that new diet. I just try to cut calories by cutting junk and eating CLEAN and expending energy in exercising. My body seems resistant to traditional methods. Methods that work for everyone else... simple mathematics, hasn't been working for me. And I'm frustrated. I'm on the line of not wanting to waste my energy being unhappy with myself and not appreciating all the good things about my life and wanting so much to change.

I need a change in perspective. A way to be happy with myself and who I am and all the things I have to offer (body size included) and still make progress toward improvement and weight loss. I can't help the physical challenges I have with losing weight, but I can just keep pushing forward and try not to be so hard on myself. Not sure how that perspective shift is going to happen, but.... that's where I'm at these days.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Catching up

I know I haven't been around here much. I'm sure you've missed me. ;-)

This year has been a wild ride. And here is my confession. I lost 60 pounds and gained back 40. All in a year. I can honestly say I've never gained or lost that much so fast. After my 35 pound HCG loss, something someone said triggered me and I went somewhere in my head and with my diet/eating that I hadn't been in many years. And I just kept going. I stopped working out consistently, I was going out more, making food choices that weren't in line with what my body needs to be at its best, and drinking more. And before I knew it, it was the holidays and I gained weight back.

And I have been quiet, because I've been so ashamed. And there isn't much more to say about that.

BUT... the bright side is this.

1. I'm still at a lower weight at the beginning of 2012 than I was at the beginning of 2011.
2. I just started a 15 day standard reboot program to help cleanse out all the crap I've been eating the last few months. No coffee, no booze, no sugar, no grains, no meat even. JUST fruits and veggies (eating and juicing).
3. I just started a 6 week body transformation contest through my bootcamp. It has great rewards and a monetary consequence if I don't see it through so it keeps me accountable. It also comes with a Paleo Whole30 diet so when my juice cleanse is over, I'll start on the Paleo Whole30 to wrap up the last 29 days of the contest.
4. I'm working with a trained therapist that specializes in addictive thinking and compulsive behavior (aka eating).

So I have many tools in my arsenal to keep me on track and to help get my weight loss back in gear.

There it is... my "secret" that's really not so secret and what I have in place to rectify it. I'm feeling good and motivated and glad to be feeling more "cleaned out" and clear. I'm looking forward to seeing where the next few months take me. :-)