Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Change in perspective

I felt so great last summer after having lost 35 pounds and I haven't gotten out of my mourning of having gained it all back so quickly during the winter. I'm having so much difficulty staying motivated when it comes to eating well. I did a 15 day juice cleanse and a 4 week Whole30 Paleo diet at the beginning of the year and ended up losing 4 pounds when it was all said and done. Needless to say I'm discouraged. I'm working out 2-3 x a day, eating 1600-2000 calories (sometimes you need more when you're burning so much more) but I'm still having days where I drink too much or go 5 (or 10) bites past full. Where I pick up a bag of MMs instead of an apple when I feel like something sweet.

I was told by my most recent manager yesterday that I was perfect and fantastic and successful. And I let that wash over me until I went to a body pump class at my new gym and all I could see was my stomach rolls. I AM successful. I have a great life. I keep thinking to myself... I'm going to be 65 years old and I'm going to so regret having wasted so much time being unhappy with myself. But I don't know how to change that. I know there is a lot of fat acceptance stuff I could read (and have) but the truth is, I want to lose weight. I don't need to be a size 4. I just want to be a size 14. I want to be an XL. I just want to be able to shop at Old Navy or Target. That's not a huge goal.

But I am so angry at how hard it is for me to get there. I have tried (almost) everything. And I'm not a gimmick girl so I don't subscribe to this diet pill or that new diet. I just try to cut calories by cutting junk and eating CLEAN and expending energy in exercising. My body seems resistant to traditional methods. Methods that work for everyone else... simple mathematics, hasn't been working for me. And I'm frustrated. I'm on the line of not wanting to waste my energy being unhappy with myself and not appreciating all the good things about my life and wanting so much to change.

I need a change in perspective. A way to be happy with myself and who I am and all the things I have to offer (body size included) and still make progress toward improvement and weight loss. I can't help the physical challenges I have with losing weight, but I can just keep pushing forward and try not to be so hard on myself. Not sure how that perspective shift is going to happen, but.... that's where I'm at these days.


  1. You are beautiful and you can totally do it Lindsay. It does take a lot of hard work and you've come so far, but don't let the momentum die. Your goals are realistic and right where they need to be which is excellent. I've been doing so much reading about fat/exercise and have really learned a lot. One thing to consider about working out 2-3x a day is that the more you work out the hungrier you get and if you're like most people the more you will eat. I am not trying to discourage working out but it is something to consider. What really stands out to me about your post is that you've tried diets and fasts...etc. I know you also try to eat clean most of the time but what really has to happen (this is only my opinion) is a complete lifestyle change. That means no more cookies, wine, MMs..etc. Those are not even an option, they're not in your house, you don't look at them at the store or in the restaurant. Is it hard? Yes. It's not impossible. You are in complete control and must be honest with yourself. You need the support of your guy and friends/family to succeed though. It doesn't help if they come over with a bunch of wine and cheese bread. Keep eating clean food: Meat, veggies, fat, fruit and some berries and step forward knowing you are sculpting a new you. A lot of people have their identity wrapped up in food so this is hard, but that's why it has to be a complete change, a total mental swap. But this will be the new Lindsay, her tales will no longer be from fat city but healthy city, or trim town or virile village or...you get the idea. What do I know about this? I used to be over 200lbs (40+lbs from where I am now) I was sick, high blood pressure and was getting kidney stones at the age of 25, I knew something had to change and it all began in me. Finally, beating yourself up is no good, focus on the good, not the weight, it will come off in time.