Monday, July 18, 2011

Someday I'll look back at this and laugh...

That's what I tell myself. Just like any other trial or tribulation, there are lessons to be learned in all things. Growth potential at every turn. Someday I'll have a wonderfully healthy relationship with food and my body and I will think back and say "oh, ha ha ha, I can't believe I ever felt that way! Oh, silly me!"

At least, that's what I'm praying for. Right now I'm nearing the end of a 6 week, doctor supervised low calorie diet that has had it's ups and downs. It's been remarkably effective to finally get me over the hump of a months long plateau, but as I close on my last turn and can see the end of this phase only 7 1/2 days ahead, I find myself struggling in a way I can't remember every struggling like before. This weekend, I spent every waking moment fantasizing about food. I held a 2 oz chunk of fromage in my hand and thought to myself "if I could only eat this, I know I would feel better" which was shocking to me. On one hand, kudos to me for being so mindful and aware of my actual thought process but wow... how many times have I gone to eat something in the past for sole purpose of comforting an uncomfortable feeling? Millions I would assume.

I didn't eat the cheese. I'm too close to the end of this to give up now. But I'm hanging on by a thread and my teeth are clenched. I'm so tired of everything I put in my mouth, some days I choose to barely eat anything at all b/c it all tastes like shit so I just drink more water instead. I may never have ground beef, lettuce or asparagus ever again after this. My weight loss has gone from about 6 lbs a week to barely 2 and I don't even really care (okay, I do)... I am just getting through each day the best I can without jumping from a bridge. I literally feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. Being me feels SO intensely uncomfortable right now. And I don't know what to do because I've certainly had a rough go of things from time to time, but never like this. I have never felt like this before. It feels very badly.

So I buck up and try to spend the least amount of time on the pity pot if I can help it and reach, minute to minute, for when I can eat breakfast again. And eggs. And turkey meat. And broccoli (oh how I miss broccoli!). And I'm sure once I have normal calories, can work out and can add healthy fats added back into my diet, I'll be a happy camper and I can look back at this struggle and say "but you did it. And you did it amazingly well." Hopefully shortly thereafter the looking back and laughing thing will happen, too.

No comments:

Post a Comment