It's the beginning of Day Four and so far all is well. PLUS I'm down 9 lbs for a total of 16.6 for the year. That's a hair over halfway to the reasonable goal I'd set for myself for the year (but more is always good)!
I forgot to include my recipes since Monday. They have all been very good but there have definitely been favorites.
Day TWO:
White Beans and Peppers - This was not a soup like the picture indicates but it was SOOO GOOOOOD! I loved it!
Hawaij Vegetable Soup - We couldn't find Hawaij anywhere in town so we used regular curry powder. It was a very bland soup and we didn't use the potato or tomato (b/c we can't) or celery (b/c i hate it) and I added zucchini instead. We also used veggie broth and water instead of boullion b/c boullion is so not friendly to our diet (nor are most canned beans either so we used raw). With salt added, this was pretty tasty and very beautiful.
Day THREE:
Vegetarian Cassoulet - Again, we cut out the potato, but it didn't need it, it's like a very thick stew as it was. We didn't need to cook it the 9 hours it says as it was VERY VERY done after 6 and we should have pulled it off after 5. Even though the beans were overdone, it was WONDERFUL. This dish was surprisingly tasty from all the herbs (again, added salt and a dash of cumin).
Quinoa with black beans - Wow. That's all I can say. No corn added, but this dish was FANTASTIC! I made it at night for lunch today but we couldn't help but dip into it a bit. It is outstanding and flavorful with a great texture.
I wasn't that hungry yesterday which surprised me. We'll see how today goes. I plan on doing a little work out here at home while Special K is out for most of the day until this evening doing stuff at his house. Tonight is Laughter Yoga and probably more movies. We're in the middle of Die Hard. hahaha! Awesome!
I'd like to have a nap today, but we will see. Howie is coming over to help me start my garden a bit and I have no idea what that means, but it'll be good to get outside a bit since work and Special K have kept me busy so far this week.
More tomorrow!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Cleanse DAY THREE
1pm: It seems as though nothing all that remarkable is happening. I'm not losing massive amounts of weight, I'm not on top of the world, and shockingly, I'm not really craving any food whatsoever. So.. I'm not sure if my expectations were out of whack, or what.
This morning Special K and I worked out again together to a DVD and he had breakfast early, while I grazed on some strawberries and a few raw cashews that took me nearly 5 hours to finish. I am not hungry today. I had some leftover garbanzo bean/pistachio bake for lunch ONLY b/c you can't eat very heavy several hours before yoga and yoga starts at 3:30. I'm down just about 13 lbs for the year, but only 5.2 since I weighed myself on Monday and frankly I'm not sure how accurate my first weigh in was since 3 hours later I was down 4.6 lbs. So... ANYway.
2:20pm: GOD!! The bulk items at WinCo almost did me in! I wanted a piece of easter chocolate something terrible. But it subsided. So far neither Special K nor I am really craving anything, but we have also been relatively sequestered and isolated. I'm finally hungry, but can't really eat anything as I need a pretty empty stomach for Yin Yoga.
This has been a lot easier than I thought it would be. The food we've made has all been very tasty and I'm not dissatisfied one bit. I also spent two weeks prepping myself for this so that helped as well. Do I imagine myself as a Macro Vegan or Vegetarian? Not really. But then again, we'll see how this all works out. I'm not putting this in a box yet other than committing to this process for what it is for now.
Basically... not much to report. I hope you are all having a great day!
This morning Special K and I worked out again together to a DVD and he had breakfast early, while I grazed on some strawberries and a few raw cashews that took me nearly 5 hours to finish. I am not hungry today. I had some leftover garbanzo bean/pistachio bake for lunch ONLY b/c you can't eat very heavy several hours before yoga and yoga starts at 3:30. I'm down just about 13 lbs for the year, but only 5.2 since I weighed myself on Monday and frankly I'm not sure how accurate my first weigh in was since 3 hours later I was down 4.6 lbs. So... ANYway.
2:20pm: GOD!! The bulk items at WinCo almost did me in! I wanted a piece of easter chocolate something terrible. But it subsided. So far neither Special K nor I am really craving anything, but we have also been relatively sequestered and isolated. I'm finally hungry, but can't really eat anything as I need a pretty empty stomach for Yin Yoga.
This has been a lot easier than I thought it would be. The food we've made has all been very tasty and I'm not dissatisfied one bit. I also spent two weeks prepping myself for this so that helped as well. Do I imagine myself as a Macro Vegan or Vegetarian? Not really. But then again, we'll see how this all works out. I'm not putting this in a box yet other than committing to this process for what it is for now.
Basically... not much to report. I hope you are all having a great day!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Cleanse DAY TWO
Hi All!
Because it's been requested of me, here are the recipes I made yesterday. I have to say that the zesty garbanzo beans with pistachios was AMAZING!!!
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Garbanzos-with-Fennel/Detail.aspx
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Green-Salad-with-Sauce-Vinaigrette-354345
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Zesty-Garbanzo-Beans-with-Pistachio-Nuts/Detail.aspx
So Day One seemed ok for me but a bit more difficult for Special K. We both had that empty fullness, or barely hungry feeling all day. Although we both worked out separately in the morning, we spend all evening on the couch watching movies. In case you're wondering, we watched Extract, Funny People and Food, Inc. Have you SEEN Food, Inc? My god... very frightening. I never want to eat anything with soy in it every again! Too bad EVERYthing has soy in it (except all the stuff we're eating this week actually). And soy is just the beginning.
Anyway. It's almost 9am now. Special K is on a walk and I'm a bit bleary eyed and definitely getting hungry. Will do a work out of some sort I THINK today although I'd really rather have a nap. LOL Hopefully I'll get more energy from this today or tomorrow. I drank a gallon plus of water yesterday so things are certainly being cleansed away.
Until tomorrow.... :)
Because it's been requested of me, here are the recipes I made yesterday. I have to say that the zesty garbanzo beans with pistachios was AMAZING!!!
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Garbanzos-with-Fennel/Detail.aspx
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Green-Salad-with-Sauce-Vinaigrette-354345
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Zesty-Garbanzo-Beans-with-Pistachio-Nuts/Detail.aspx
So Day One seemed ok for me but a bit more difficult for Special K. We both had that empty fullness, or barely hungry feeling all day. Although we both worked out separately in the morning, we spend all evening on the couch watching movies. In case you're wondering, we watched Extract, Funny People and Food, Inc. Have you SEEN Food, Inc? My god... very frightening. I never want to eat anything with soy in it every again! Too bad EVERYthing has soy in it (except all the stuff we're eating this week actually). And soy is just the beginning.
Anyway. It's almost 9am now. Special K is on a walk and I'm a bit bleary eyed and definitely getting hungry. Will do a work out of some sort I THINK today although I'd really rather have a nap. LOL Hopefully I'll get more energy from this today or tomorrow. I drank a gallon plus of water yesterday so things are certainly being cleansed away.
Until tomorrow.... :)
Monday, March 29, 2010
Diet and Cleanse - DAY ONE
Today is Day One of my and Special K's elimination diet and cleanse. It is essentially a macro diet for 5 days and then we will reintroduce food one at a time which means we'll be eating like this really for about 3-4 weeks depending on what foods we will be able to tolerate and which ones we won't be able to during the reintroduction phase.
We spent the 10 days prior to this essentially pigging out. Eating burgers, fries, cheese galore, Mexican... whatever the heck we wanted. I am still 8 lbs down from the beginning of this year so I didn't just pack on a bunch of pounds from my scarfing everything in sight.
So today starts with me being pretty tired and low energy. Around 9am I go to make my liver cleanse tea for later and my steel cut oats, which I have loved in the past. But as I make the oats, and mix the first batch with blueberries, then add cinnamon, then add a dash of salt, and eventually add it to the trash can, I remember I loved my steel cut oats with a sprinkle of Splenda brown sugar, which is now a no go. My second batch tastes like powder from the heap of cinnamon I add so it, too, gets dumped. I opt, instead for a handful of cashews and almonds and a cup of strawberries.
Strangely enough, I'm not that hungry. So at 11:35am, after a 15 minute attempt at a nap and a 30 minute cardio kickboxing work out, most of my breakfast still remains to be eaten. I'm sure this will change soon. I'm sure I will be hungry every few hours once the meat and fat gets fully digested and out of my body from the last few days. Then I'll be ravenous. Hopefully Special K won't be missing any limbs by the time this is all over *gnaw gnaw gnaw*
Today for lunch I made a Garbanzo and Fennel soup thing which is a bit bland, but with salt should be fine. I have never cooked Fennel before. It doesn't seem to have a distinctive flavor or smell and I had NO idea how to cut it up, but... I made believe it was an onion and I treated it like one. Tonight's dinner entails a garbanzo and pistachio nut bake thing of some sort. For dessert, I think Special K will make some fried plantain. In between I have fresh mangoes, pears, apples, almond butter, grapes (that are to DIE for, by the way), pineapple, strawberries and some other green fruit that looks like squash but I actually have no idea what it is, but am excited to try it. I'm sure there will be lots of salads and nut munching, too.
Overall, I think I have some activities to keep Special K from being too bored here during the week and we'll be working out and going to the gym together as well. Tonight will be movies galore what with this crappy stormy weather and another night this week I'm sure we'll make into game night. Weird to watch movies and play games without a glass of wine or beer. I'm also taking Friday off so we can spend the day at the hot springs treating ourselves for a good Macro-Vegan week. :)
Already miss cottage cheese.
We spent the 10 days prior to this essentially pigging out. Eating burgers, fries, cheese galore, Mexican... whatever the heck we wanted. I am still 8 lbs down from the beginning of this year so I didn't just pack on a bunch of pounds from my scarfing everything in sight.
So today starts with me being pretty tired and low energy. Around 9am I go to make my liver cleanse tea for later and my steel cut oats, which I have loved in the past. But as I make the oats, and mix the first batch with blueberries, then add cinnamon, then add a dash of salt, and eventually add it to the trash can, I remember I loved my steel cut oats with a sprinkle of Splenda brown sugar, which is now a no go. My second batch tastes like powder from the heap of cinnamon I add so it, too, gets dumped. I opt, instead for a handful of cashews and almonds and a cup of strawberries.
Strangely enough, I'm not that hungry. So at 11:35am, after a 15 minute attempt at a nap and a 30 minute cardio kickboxing work out, most of my breakfast still remains to be eaten. I'm sure this will change soon. I'm sure I will be hungry every few hours once the meat and fat gets fully digested and out of my body from the last few days. Then I'll be ravenous. Hopefully Special K won't be missing any limbs by the time this is all over *gnaw gnaw gnaw*
Today for lunch I made a Garbanzo and Fennel soup thing which is a bit bland, but with salt should be fine. I have never cooked Fennel before. It doesn't seem to have a distinctive flavor or smell and I had NO idea how to cut it up, but... I made believe it was an onion and I treated it like one. Tonight's dinner entails a garbanzo and pistachio nut bake thing of some sort. For dessert, I think Special K will make some fried plantain. In between I have fresh mangoes, pears, apples, almond butter, grapes (that are to DIE for, by the way), pineapple, strawberries and some other green fruit that looks like squash but I actually have no idea what it is, but am excited to try it. I'm sure there will be lots of salads and nut munching, too.
Overall, I think I have some activities to keep Special K from being too bored here during the week and we'll be working out and going to the gym together as well. Tonight will be movies galore what with this crappy stormy weather and another night this week I'm sure we'll make into game night. Weird to watch movies and play games without a glass of wine or beer. I'm also taking Friday off so we can spend the day at the hot springs treating ourselves for a good Macro-Vegan week. :)
Already miss cottage cheese.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Elimination Diet and Whole Food Cleanse - T minus 17 days
My naturopath has prescribed an elimination diet and whole food cleanse to be done concurrently for a period of 5 days starting Monday March 29th. This is to determine any food allergies I may have that are causing my overall sense of sluggishness as of late and also to cleanse my fat cells and liver of any toxins to prompt weight loss, which is the secondary goal of my going to see Dr. David.
The difference between an elimination diet and the cleanse? NO animal products. I'll already be cutting out most meats, all dairy, all gluten, all refined sugar, some veggies and some fruits, but with the whole food cleanse, I will not be eating soy beans, tofu, lamb or any other animal products whatsoever. So essentially I'll be turning Vegan for 5 days and consisting on nuts, seeds, legunes, whole grains such as millet, steel cut oats, quionoa (sp?), beans other than soy beans, fruits other than citrus and veggies other than tomato, potato and corn. I can each as much as I want (I was warned I would likely be hungry every couple of hours) and it will force me to be creative in terms of tasty meal ideas as I can't eat out at all. All salads can only have dressing of olive oil and vinegar.
So why the wait between now and then? I've been given tasks in the next 2 weeks. Week One: Start eating through foods around the house that I need to get rid of (milk, cheese, meats, etc). Cut back from two cups of coffee to one. Look into getting a whole foods cookbook and do some research about whole foods cooking. Week Two: Cut down to 1/2 cup of coffee a day. Purchase all the foods I'll need for the 5 days. And start drinking a root blend tea once a day meant to purify the liver. When the cleanse/diet starts, I can drink no caffeine and have no alcohol.
Here is an interesting twist. On top of all of this, my boyfriend, Special K, is going to do it with me. Not only to support me, but b/c it's good for you and he loves all things that are good for you. He is nervous about no coffee, no beer (!!) and no yogurt (he loves his daily dose of culture). He also thinks he should stay with me for all 5 days so we can support each other through cravings, cook together, etc. Hmmm....
So... I'm actually really excited about this. I was nervous at the idea of doing an elimination diet b/c I thought it consisted of being on it for weeks and weeks but that is not the case at all and I can totally eat like this for only 5 days. I will likely feel amazing and may even find things I like and learn how to incorporate some of these foods into my daily diet after all is said and done.
I will likely be blogging during this process so stay tuned! :)
The difference between an elimination diet and the cleanse? NO animal products. I'll already be cutting out most meats, all dairy, all gluten, all refined sugar, some veggies and some fruits, but with the whole food cleanse, I will not be eating soy beans, tofu, lamb or any other animal products whatsoever. So essentially I'll be turning Vegan for 5 days and consisting on nuts, seeds, legunes, whole grains such as millet, steel cut oats, quionoa (sp?), beans other than soy beans, fruits other than citrus and veggies other than tomato, potato and corn. I can each as much as I want (I was warned I would likely be hungry every couple of hours) and it will force me to be creative in terms of tasty meal ideas as I can't eat out at all. All salads can only have dressing of olive oil and vinegar.
So why the wait between now and then? I've been given tasks in the next 2 weeks. Week One: Start eating through foods around the house that I need to get rid of (milk, cheese, meats, etc). Cut back from two cups of coffee to one. Look into getting a whole foods cookbook and do some research about whole foods cooking. Week Two: Cut down to 1/2 cup of coffee a day. Purchase all the foods I'll need for the 5 days. And start drinking a root blend tea once a day meant to purify the liver. When the cleanse/diet starts, I can drink no caffeine and have no alcohol.
Here is an interesting twist. On top of all of this, my boyfriend, Special K, is going to do it with me. Not only to support me, but b/c it's good for you and he loves all things that are good for you. He is nervous about no coffee, no beer (!!) and no yogurt (he loves his daily dose of culture). He also thinks he should stay with me for all 5 days so we can support each other through cravings, cook together, etc. Hmmm....
So... I'm actually really excited about this. I was nervous at the idea of doing an elimination diet b/c I thought it consisted of being on it for weeks and weeks but that is not the case at all and I can totally eat like this for only 5 days. I will likely feel amazing and may even find things I like and learn how to incorporate some of these foods into my daily diet after all is said and done.
I will likely be blogging during this process so stay tuned! :)
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Other Side of the Bed
It is very strange for me to get used to sleeping with someone in bed together more than the occasional sleepover that I once feared and longed for simultaneously. The adjustment to being in an actual relationship is a whole other story and we're not here to talk about that for now.
Now I have someone in my bed 1-3 nights a week depending on the week and, while it's been loads of fun, it's been an interesting adjustment. Here are some of the things one deals with when sleeping with a partner that you don't have to think about when you sleep alone:
* Space. I'm a diagonal sleeper. I have a Queen sized bed and when I first turn out the light, my head goes to the left and my feet to the right with my ass right dab in the middle. Now I have to sleep straight and stay relatively to my side so I'm not pushing him off the bed (while I'm sure that would be funny, loud thumps in the middle of the night startle me).
* Covers. Alone I have them all. With a partner, they always seem to slide to his side. I don't mind pulling them back to my side when I get cold or kicking them back over to him to roll around in when I get hot, but I find myself having to let go of what once was the near perfection of my bed. I used to wake up and gently pull the covers up and TA-DA the bed was made. Now it's a full on exercise b/c the sheet is pulled out from the bottom, I have no idea where one of the down comforters went and my abundance of pillows are every which way.
* Sweat. Now, night sweats are pretty rare for both my boyfriend and me, but it happens. When I'm alone, I'm like "ugh" but I just roll ever for dryer sheets and pillows and don't think anything of it. With a partner, you feel bad b/c they have to lay in their own wet stuff and while you want to give them some of your dry stuff, you don't want their sweaty selves all over you, either. Work out sweat is sexy. But for some reason, sleep sweat is not. Weird, right?
* Snoring. Alone I snore away and don't hear it. With a boyfriend, I wear earplugs but always worry I'm going to miss something he may say to me in the middle of the night.
* Every breath you take. We both wake up whenever the other person rolls over (prompting the other to, in turn, adjust their position). I get up to pee approximately 500 times when my boyfriend is over instead of my normal 100 times when I am alone and it always wakes him up. And the sweetheart always holds the covers back and snuggles with me when I come back (awww). Sometimes he doesn't fall asleep right away and for some reason, I don't tend to fall asleep fully until he does or well after. Other times, the man will get up at dawn and go for an hour walk and then come back to bed for more snuggles and napping, during which I usually sleep like a dead person.
The thing is... I have been alone and slept alone (and preferred to) for a long time. And even though it's an adjustment to sleep in the same bed with someone on a regular basis and I generally get a lot less sleep thus far than I normally would... I love every minute of it. This guy rocks my world in the best possible way and I love falling asleep next to him and having his face be the first I see in the morning. It is SO worth it.
Now I have someone in my bed 1-3 nights a week depending on the week and, while it's been loads of fun, it's been an interesting adjustment. Here are some of the things one deals with when sleeping with a partner that you don't have to think about when you sleep alone:
* Space. I'm a diagonal sleeper. I have a Queen sized bed and when I first turn out the light, my head goes to the left and my feet to the right with my ass right dab in the middle. Now I have to sleep straight and stay relatively to my side so I'm not pushing him off the bed (while I'm sure that would be funny, loud thumps in the middle of the night startle me).
* Covers. Alone I have them all. With a partner, they always seem to slide to his side. I don't mind pulling them back to my side when I get cold or kicking them back over to him to roll around in when I get hot, but I find myself having to let go of what once was the near perfection of my bed. I used to wake up and gently pull the covers up and TA-DA the bed was made. Now it's a full on exercise b/c the sheet is pulled out from the bottom, I have no idea where one of the down comforters went and my abundance of pillows are every which way.
* Sweat. Now, night sweats are pretty rare for both my boyfriend and me, but it happens. When I'm alone, I'm like "ugh" but I just roll ever for dryer sheets and pillows and don't think anything of it. With a partner, you feel bad b/c they have to lay in their own wet stuff and while you want to give them some of your dry stuff, you don't want their sweaty selves all over you, either. Work out sweat is sexy. But for some reason, sleep sweat is not. Weird, right?
* Snoring. Alone I snore away and don't hear it. With a boyfriend, I wear earplugs but always worry I'm going to miss something he may say to me in the middle of the night.
* Every breath you take. We both wake up whenever the other person rolls over (prompting the other to, in turn, adjust their position). I get up to pee approximately 500 times when my boyfriend is over instead of my normal 100 times when I am alone and it always wakes him up. And the sweetheart always holds the covers back and snuggles with me when I come back (awww). Sometimes he doesn't fall asleep right away and for some reason, I don't tend to fall asleep fully until he does or well after. Other times, the man will get up at dawn and go for an hour walk and then come back to bed for more snuggles and napping, during which I usually sleep like a dead person.
The thing is... I have been alone and slept alone (and preferred to) for a long time. And even though it's an adjustment to sleep in the same bed with someone on a regular basis and I generally get a lot less sleep thus far than I normally would... I love every minute of it. This guy rocks my world in the best possible way and I love falling asleep next to him and having his face be the first I see in the morning. It is SO worth it.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Hi everyone! Long time, no talk. I was going through my MySpace blogs recently b/c I'm going to be closing my MySpace account and as I was going through and printing old blogs so I would have them always, I found this from June of 2008:
But... when i find the one. The right one. The one who is the balance between kind and exciting; good and naughty; sincere and passionate; etc etc.... .... I can't wait to do things like... make out for no reason other than to make out. Without even the end result being sex. To go on vacation together. To stay in bed all day and laugh and talk and nap and make love. To go to a far away tropical place and watch sunsets and make love on the beach and drink margaritas and mimosas and eat fresh fruit in our robes on a balcony. I can't wait to have an argument and TRUST that a fight doesn't mean the end of anything. I can't wait to be over my fear of someone just... changing their mind... b/c they love me and they would never just wake up one day and leave. I can't wait to have adventures and last minute road trips and to hike and swim and go fishing and to buy a boat and a home and to have a wedding and babies and a dog. I can't wait for any of it. Today, I FEEL that love. I feel mushy and flushed and excited. You'd think I had it bad for someone, but I don't. I'm just... happy at the idea of it. I really have to believe and have faith that all of this awaits me. That when I am ready, and I am healthy, and the other waste has faded from my heart and there is room, that this person will simply walk right into my life. And I won't feel swept away... rather it will be a gradual progression. And it will be real.
And just as I was in the middle of reading this, my boyfriend calls me. And so then I read it to him. And it made me cry. B/c you know. I put this out there. And I held onto it. And then I forgot. But in time, it came to me. And it's beautiful and amazing.
But... when i find the one. The right one. The one who is the balance between kind and exciting; good and naughty; sincere and passionate; etc etc.... .... I can't wait to do things like... make out for no reason other than to make out. Without even the end result being sex. To go on vacation together. To stay in bed all day and laugh and talk and nap and make love. To go to a far away tropical place and watch sunsets and make love on the beach and drink margaritas and mimosas and eat fresh fruit in our robes on a balcony. I can't wait to have an argument and TRUST that a fight doesn't mean the end of anything. I can't wait to be over my fear of someone just... changing their mind... b/c they love me and they would never just wake up one day and leave. I can't wait to have adventures and last minute road trips and to hike and swim and go fishing and to buy a boat and a home and to have a wedding and babies and a dog. I can't wait for any of it. Today, I FEEL that love. I feel mushy and flushed and excited. You'd think I had it bad for someone, but I don't. I'm just... happy at the idea of it. I really have to believe and have faith that all of this awaits me. That when I am ready, and I am healthy, and the other waste has faded from my heart and there is room, that this person will simply walk right into my life. And I won't feel swept away... rather it will be a gradual progression. And it will be real.
And just as I was in the middle of reading this, my boyfriend calls me. And so then I read it to him. And it made me cry. B/c you know. I put this out there. And I held onto it. And then I forgot. But in time, it came to me. And it's beautiful and amazing.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Resolutions
Well, it's about that time of year when I debrief on my resolutions which I've done for the past several years. For me personally, I'm a big resolution fan. In the last 4 years or so, I've typed them out and made them visible and seeing them every day has helped me to meet my goals.
Here is how I did in 2009:
1. Lose 50-85 lbs. Uhhh... I actually PUT ON weight. Oops.
2. Go to the gym 3 days a week and do one day a week of yoga. I don't think I did the yoga but for a long while I was working out very regularly, especially this spring and summer. Then I got sick and didn't go back. It's been six months.
3. Pursue hobbies:
* Knitting (made TONS of scarves and hats this year!)
* Writing (took a writing workshop and realized I'm just not a good writer. But I tried it!)
* Yoga/Meditation (fell very short on this. Early in the year, I did yoga and meditation with Nicole but that fizzled out quickly)
* Reading (I finally have been better about reading. I love it so much and never make time for it. And this year I did and I'm so glad!)
* Modeling (tried this too and had a few trade photo shoots. I don't think it's for me although I did have fun with it)
* Sewing (this wasn't originally on the list, but it is a hobby I've started. I don't know how to sew but I know how to make the machine go which means I made curtains and lots of bags. hahaha! Easy stuff)
4. Continue with CODA and step work. I finished my step study group and continue to go to meetings and read literature.
5. Take one vacation just for me and just for fun: I really ended up doing this a few times. I rented a beach house for 4 nights in May. I went to Vegas in early December which really wasn't just for me, but it was just for fun. And I just spent 4 days at the coast over New Year's which was very lazy and relaxing. It reminded me that I need to plan more trips, even if they are local. I value vacations!
6. Go on at least 3 hikes this year. I ended up going on 5 hikes! First time really getting out there and hiking in years. And I started with a doozie so I knew I could do it. It was great fun! I even went on one alone. Felt amazing!
So overall I think I did pretty well on my resolutions for 2009 and I think I set some very reasonable goals for 2010. They are as follows:
1. Lost 35 lbs (starting today in fact!)
2. go to gym 3 days a week, weight training 2 days a week and yoga OR meditation 1 day a week.
3. Learn to knit socks and gloves
4. Attend 2 CODA meetings a month and do the steps again on my own.
5. Go on at least FIVE hikes this year.
6. Quit Caffeine
7. Plan one 3+ night vacation.
And there you have it! We'll gather and discuss again in a year! If you are a resolution type, I hope you, too, set reasonable goals and wish you all the support you need to reach them!
Happy New Year!!
Here is how I did in 2009:
1. Lose 50-85 lbs. Uhhh... I actually PUT ON weight. Oops.
2. Go to the gym 3 days a week and do one day a week of yoga. I don't think I did the yoga but for a long while I was working out very regularly, especially this spring and summer. Then I got sick and didn't go back. It's been six months.
3. Pursue hobbies:
* Knitting (made TONS of scarves and hats this year!)
* Writing (took a writing workshop and realized I'm just not a good writer. But I tried it!)
* Yoga/Meditation (fell very short on this. Early in the year, I did yoga and meditation with Nicole but that fizzled out quickly)
* Reading (I finally have been better about reading. I love it so much and never make time for it. And this year I did and I'm so glad!)
* Modeling (tried this too and had a few trade photo shoots. I don't think it's for me although I did have fun with it)
* Sewing (this wasn't originally on the list, but it is a hobby I've started. I don't know how to sew but I know how to make the machine go which means I made curtains and lots of bags. hahaha! Easy stuff)
4. Continue with CODA and step work. I finished my step study group and continue to go to meetings and read literature.
5. Take one vacation just for me and just for fun: I really ended up doing this a few times. I rented a beach house for 4 nights in May. I went to Vegas in early December which really wasn't just for me, but it was just for fun. And I just spent 4 days at the coast over New Year's which was very lazy and relaxing. It reminded me that I need to plan more trips, even if they are local. I value vacations!
6. Go on at least 3 hikes this year. I ended up going on 5 hikes! First time really getting out there and hiking in years. And I started with a doozie so I knew I could do it. It was great fun! I even went on one alone. Felt amazing!
So overall I think I did pretty well on my resolutions for 2009 and I think I set some very reasonable goals for 2010. They are as follows:
1. Lost 35 lbs (starting today in fact!)
2. go to gym 3 days a week, weight training 2 days a week and yoga OR meditation 1 day a week.
3. Learn to knit socks and gloves
4. Attend 2 CODA meetings a month and do the steps again on my own.
5. Go on at least FIVE hikes this year.
6. Quit Caffeine
7. Plan one 3+ night vacation.
And there you have it! We'll gather and discuss again in a year! If you are a resolution type, I hope you, too, set reasonable goals and wish you all the support you need to reach them!
Happy New Year!!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Writing it out
I'm not sleeping very well. I've been finding ways to be happy and to have fun but I have this really big thing in the background... hovering just behind me like a dark dark cloud. I focus on work. My house. Getting back to the gym. Boy drama. Whatever I can to NOT think of this. I can only handle so much of a broken heart and my tears are there brooding so immediately below the surface, I have no idea when I can expect them to break through all the rest I try to put in the forefront. One or two sneaks out regularly throughout the day... especially just as I'm tucking in to go to sleep. I think of him and where he is and how much I love him and a few of those tears must slip out. I have no idea how much longer I'm going to be able to hold it in. I guess I'm just ... waiting... holding my breath and praying that it just doesn't get worse.
Hi, I'm Lindsay. And my father is a drug addict. And has been for 18 years. Probably longer. An active addict for 11 years (meaning using more than a handful of times a year). My family has seen so much pain. Has heard every lie. My mother's had to file for bankruptcy; has had to sell the home she built and loved to move into a cookie cutter she hates; has continued to go into debt supporting him. It's so amazingly difficult to see someone you love find no joy in their life. None. Who, behind every smile, there is pain and a real effort to fake her way through it all.
We all play our roles. Mine has changed over the years as I've gone through my codependency work, but I sweep in to listen and be firm and take care of everyone. My brother sweeps in to be analytical and rational and justifying. My mom just tries to hold it together and my dad... well... that's what this is all about isn't it? It's always what it's all about.
My father lost 4 days last week. Has no recollection of my mom asking him to leave or where he went or how he got there and how he got back home. My mother let him sleep it off for a day and he left again last night. He has burned the only bridge he had for a couch to stay on so we don't have any idea where he's sleeping. We have to do our best to not worry about it. Which is impossible. But it's not any of our jobs to take care of him. He is a grown man and is infinitely protective of his addiction. So he's made his choice. Which has driven us to make ours.
But I am sad. I am sad for him. For a man who used to have a good job and be a good man. Who is a talented artist and a hard worker. Who used to be my hero. Now he's someone who can't keep a job. Who will steal and lie and cheat to score drugs, whether it be heroin or Oxy or Valium. Who cannot and will not get better.
I'm sad for my mother who has no joy or happiness in her life. Who has continued to make the life choice to live this lifestyle. To lose almost everything she and my dad had worked so hard to earn. Who so rarely sees my dad for who he is but who he was and who she wants him to be. Whose codependency has made her so sick, I'm actually shocked she's not physically ill.
And for my brother. Oh my dear brother. Who I love more than life itself. Who I would do anything for. Who is my heart. Who suffers the same propensity toward excess as my father and is so scared of any real emotion, that he keeps it locked firmly away behind reason and logic and educational psychobabble.
I honestly just have no idea what to do. So I wait. I shore up these tears to use them for something bigger. And just pray that the something bigger ... something worse... doesn't happen.
Hi, I'm Lindsay. And my father is a drug addict. And has been for 18 years. Probably longer. An active addict for 11 years (meaning using more than a handful of times a year). My family has seen so much pain. Has heard every lie. My mother's had to file for bankruptcy; has had to sell the home she built and loved to move into a cookie cutter she hates; has continued to go into debt supporting him. It's so amazingly difficult to see someone you love find no joy in their life. None. Who, behind every smile, there is pain and a real effort to fake her way through it all.
We all play our roles. Mine has changed over the years as I've gone through my codependency work, but I sweep in to listen and be firm and take care of everyone. My brother sweeps in to be analytical and rational and justifying. My mom just tries to hold it together and my dad... well... that's what this is all about isn't it? It's always what it's all about.
My father lost 4 days last week. Has no recollection of my mom asking him to leave or where he went or how he got there and how he got back home. My mother let him sleep it off for a day and he left again last night. He has burned the only bridge he had for a couch to stay on so we don't have any idea where he's sleeping. We have to do our best to not worry about it. Which is impossible. But it's not any of our jobs to take care of him. He is a grown man and is infinitely protective of his addiction. So he's made his choice. Which has driven us to make ours.
But I am sad. I am sad for him. For a man who used to have a good job and be a good man. Who is a talented artist and a hard worker. Who used to be my hero. Now he's someone who can't keep a job. Who will steal and lie and cheat to score drugs, whether it be heroin or Oxy or Valium. Who cannot and will not get better.
I'm sad for my mother who has no joy or happiness in her life. Who has continued to make the life choice to live this lifestyle. To lose almost everything she and my dad had worked so hard to earn. Who so rarely sees my dad for who he is but who he was and who she wants him to be. Whose codependency has made her so sick, I'm actually shocked she's not physically ill.
And for my brother. Oh my dear brother. Who I love more than life itself. Who I would do anything for. Who is my heart. Who suffers the same propensity toward excess as my father and is so scared of any real emotion, that he keeps it locked firmly away behind reason and logic and educational psychobabble.
I honestly just have no idea what to do. So I wait. I shore up these tears to use them for something bigger. And just pray that the something bigger ... something worse... doesn't happen.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Mis Mush
Well, so much for my weekly blog. There IS much to report, however. I've definitely fallen off the diet wagon. I'm going to start over right at week 6. Probably in... uh... 2 weeks. hahaha. It started when I got sick 2 weeks ago with a flu and high fever. Couldn't really do much more than sleep and drink juice. Then last week I realized "omg, I'm moving and i'm going to be a poor person and I have to do all this stuff" and was just immobilized by stress. So I just ate whatever. And then this last weekend was my birthday so there has been A LOT of cake and cupcakes and macaroni and potato salads. whew! And I have leftovers! And people taking me out to happy hours, etc. I woke up this morning an hour early naturally and could have gone to the gym, but did I? No. I laid there until my alarm went off. Ooops. And next week I'm in Los Angeles, so I expect I'll be eating bagels and Togos (my favorite!) and whatever is at the wedding festivities during the week.
Strangely enough, I've actually lost a few more pounds. But right now, I'm not worried about it. So what if my 12 week challenge turns into a 16 week challenge? I'm still committed, but life has gotten in the way and once I'm off the wagon, it takes a bit for me to get back on. But I will.
Oh. so... Let me tell you what a lovely birthday I had this year! I got to spend all day Friday with my dad and Nicole up at my Grandma's place in Pine Hollow. We hung out on the lake and on docks and in the sun. We heard some juicy stories from the grandma and ate cake and all sorts of strange concoctions she came up with (anyone ever eaten orange flavored jello with carrots??? Yeah, weird, right?). Saturday I picked out my furniture for my new house (did I tell you I've bought a house?!). I had a first date which left much to be desired. And then I bar hopped with my friends. So many people didn't come but I had so much fun with those who did that it was fine with me. I was so grateful for them sharing the day with me and they were SO generous! I got really great gifts and only spent $15 on my night out. Thanks guys!! Sunday I spent some me time at the cafe working on my 12th and final step for my step study group and reading my book and then I had the book group over for The Reader which we watched while eating cupcakes Megan made me and cheese and chips. hehehe. Then over to the folks' house for BBQd burgers and macaroni salad and baked beans and corn on the cob. Omg, and so much more. My mother is so rediculous in the way she cooks. But man it was tastey! And my Aunt bought me a sapphire necklace! It was sooo awesome!
Anyway! I'm still happy and having a good time and WILL get to packing this weekend. If only I could pack just by thinking about it, I'd be done already. hahhaha. I can't believe I'm moving. omg!
Ok all, have a happy week and hope you have missed me! :)
Strangely enough, I've actually lost a few more pounds. But right now, I'm not worried about it. So what if my 12 week challenge turns into a 16 week challenge? I'm still committed, but life has gotten in the way and once I'm off the wagon, it takes a bit for me to get back on. But I will.
Oh. so... Let me tell you what a lovely birthday I had this year! I got to spend all day Friday with my dad and Nicole up at my Grandma's place in Pine Hollow. We hung out on the lake and on docks and in the sun. We heard some juicy stories from the grandma and ate cake and all sorts of strange concoctions she came up with (anyone ever eaten orange flavored jello with carrots??? Yeah, weird, right?). Saturday I picked out my furniture for my new house (did I tell you I've bought a house?!). I had a first date which left much to be desired. And then I bar hopped with my friends. So many people didn't come but I had so much fun with those who did that it was fine with me. I was so grateful for them sharing the day with me and they were SO generous! I got really great gifts and only spent $15 on my night out. Thanks guys!! Sunday I spent some me time at the cafe working on my 12th and final step for my step study group and reading my book and then I had the book group over for The Reader which we watched while eating cupcakes Megan made me and cheese and chips. hehehe. Then over to the folks' house for BBQd burgers and macaroni salad and baked beans and corn on the cob. Omg, and so much more. My mother is so rediculous in the way she cooks. But man it was tastey! And my Aunt bought me a sapphire necklace! It was sooo awesome!
Anyway! I'm still happy and having a good time and WILL get to packing this weekend. If only I could pack just by thinking about it, I'd be done already. hahhaha. I can't believe I'm moving. omg!
Ok all, have a happy week and hope you have missed me! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)