Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Holiday Spirit or Self Sabotage?


There have been some pretty major milestones hit in the last couple of months. I hit 100 pounds lost. I got under 200 pounds (Onderland). I hit my one year surgiversary. I made it into a 12/14, M/L clothing size which allows me to buy clothes in any store I choose. I’ve changed my entire body shape and composition by lifting weights. And so much more. Lots and lots and lots of good stuff.

Holiday Wine Tasting
Holiday Wine Tasting

And yet in the last couple of weeks, I have gained or maintained each week. I am not following my eating plan, I am eating more carbs, slider foods, sugar and just more in general. I’m also socializing more which means I’m participating in more adult beverages. I consciously drank very little in November and seem to be more than making up for that drought in December.

But it occurred to me the other day… is this normal holiday spirit or absolute and utter terror? “Why would you be afraid, Lindsay?” you may ask. Excellent question. One would think that at my lowest adult weight, in a size of clothing I can’t remember ever seeing, and at a level of fitness I’d never before been able to obtain… what is there to possibly be afraid of? I’m not entirely sure, but I know I AM afraid. Afraid of not losing the rest of the weight. Afraid that wherever I end up I won’t be able to maintain. Afraid of gaining some or all my weight back. Afraid of the attention I get from other people that I’m not experienced in dealing with.

So I ask myself if I’m doing the normal holiday celebration thing or if my behavior is, plain and simple, self-sabotage. Frankly, I think it’s both. I’m pushing the boundaries, edging out of the box, seeing how far I can go. But see how far I can go before what? Before I get totally out of hand and my 3.2 pound gain turns into 10? Not acceptable.

working out
working out

My game plan: Get through the holidays. Try to only eat when I’m hungry. I refuse to deprive myself of things, but I do need to keep moderation in mind. I WILL have my Aunt’s incredible pie on Christmas Eve for dessert, but I won’t take any home with me. I WILL enjoy my champagne and wine during these weeks but I’ll recommit to limited drinking come January. In fact, my boyfriend and I are planning on doing a more whole foods eating thing come the New Year. Not really a cleanse or diet, per se, but a conscious effort to cut out sugar, gluten, alcohol and, for me, dairy. My goal is to reduce inflammation and continue to drop weight and his goal is to lose a few pounds and FEEL better. I have to remember that, between now and the end of the year, the more sugar I eat, the more I WANT to eat, so it really is just easier to cut that off at the pass instead of negotiating it while it’s happening. I will continue to work out (although the wine sure has affected my ability to do cardio, let me tell you!) and focus on protein and fluids and just get through the next few weeks with the intention to truly do the best I can.

Happy holidays, friends, and may your New Year be happy and bright!

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