Tuesday, September 29th 2014. This is the date I officially hit the 100 pound lost mark. I was silent with it for a little bit. And then I announced it to the world. I posted it on both my personal and WLS facebook pages. I posted a YouTube Video. I received an outpouring of support and congratulations. And still I did not expect to feel how felt. I thought I’d see that number fall below 201.2 (the 100 pound mark) and flip out. Jump up and down and scream and maybe even cry. I was perplexed to find that I felt almost nothing. Maybe a bit confused. A little numb. Definitely shocked. Who is this person? What’s happening here? When I look into the mirror and I see my collar bones and my waist and the small gap in my thighs, I think “she is lovely!” and yet in my head I don’t always identify that person as ME.
Losing 100 pounds is an amazing accomplishment. I feel proud and blessed and appreciative that all the work I’ve put in, not just this year, but in the last several years, is finally coming to fruition with the help of my new tool (my sleeve). I wish I felt like I wanted to climb a mountain top and roar “THIS IS ME!” But I find myself cowering a bit… wanting to hide… confused as to what is happening.
Perhaps I’m experiencing some trepidation. I have put myself out in the public eye. I have made my journey public… much more so since joining I’mPerfect.net/ Makingprogress.me and I think there is an undercurrent of pure terror and panic that if I fail… if I gain some or all my weight back… everyone will see it. EVERYONE will know I failed. I have little doubt that I will succeed (I do have some, of course), but as someone who has lost and gained the same 20-50 pounds for 15 years, it’s hard to wrap my mind around maintaining a healthy weight for the long haul.
One hundred pounds is a lot to lose in 10 months. Many lose that weight in even shorter amounts of time. But for me, personally, it doesn’t feel like I’ve had much time to adjust to it. I lost 70 pounds in 4 months and 30 pounds in the 6 months thereafter. Despite things having slowed down to a steady 5 pounds per month, I still consider myself in the low 200’s. I’ve been below 210 for 2+ months and I still think of myself as 230. My brain has simply not caught up.
Oh, and let’s not even talk about the hormones. I’m sure I’ll make that another post in and of itself. For now let’s just say that not only is the physical changes to my body shocking and amazing and beautiful and terrifying, but the spectrum of emotion and thought and confusion and joy I feel on a moment to moment basis is a jumble.
I hope once the shock has worn off, I can revel in this incredible achievement. By the time I adjust to the 100 pounds down, I’ll probably see that 1 as the first number on the scale instead of a 2 and I’ll go through all of this all over again! Another big, shocking, incredible milestone. ‘Till then, friends….. feel free to catch up on The Story of Me Part One, Two, Three and Four!