The end of the beginning

The 6 weeks Dr supervised diet has ended. My calories are increased. I get to eat cheese (in moderation), broccoli, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, berries, peaches, bananas, turkey, salmon.... wonderful wonderful treats after so long of eating the same 20 things for 6 weeks. I lost 30 pounds... it was wonderfully successful and just the beginning. I am officially 80 pounds from my very heaviest (granted, that was long ago, but still)! I have about another 60-80 pounds left to lose but I am feeling so upbeat and positive. I feel hopeful that, with this significant of a weight loss and being here for the first time in so long, that I will continue this journey and lose the weight for the last time.

Not only have I busted my plateau, I have also started to do work around my relationship with food. I continue to read and educate myself on nutrition and food science/psychology which is fascinating. And I started back to my boot camp work out this week as well. It's already been such a journey and I know I have a long journey ahead, but I'm ready. And excited. I'm loving this new me and can't wait to see where the road ahead takes me.

Here are some progress photos. the first was at my 26th birthday (8/2005). I was over 300 pounds. The second is at the end of last year (12/2010) and then one from just yesterday (7/2011). I expect more to come! Thank you, friends, for your continued support!

Someday I'll look back at this and laugh...

That's what I tell myself. Just like any other trial or tribulation, there are lessons to be learned in all things. Growth potential at every turn. Someday I'll have a wonderfully healthy relationship with food and my body and I will think back and say "oh, ha ha ha, I can't believe I ever felt that way! Oh, silly me!"

At least, that's what I'm praying for. Right now I'm nearing the end of a 6 week, doctor supervised low calorie diet that has had it's ups and downs. It's been remarkably effective to finally get me over the hump of a months long plateau, but as I close on my last turn and can see the end of this phase only 7 1/2 days ahead, I find myself struggling in a way I can't remember every struggling like before. This weekend, I spent every waking moment fantasizing about food. I held a 2 oz chunk of fromage in my hand and thought to myself "if I could only eat this, I know I would feel better" which was shocking to me. On one hand, kudos to me for being so mindful and aware of my actual thought process but wow... how many times have I gone to eat something in the past for sole purpose of comforting an uncomfortable feeling? Millions I would assume.

I didn't eat the cheese. I'm too close to the end of this to give up now. But I'm hanging on by a thread and my teeth are clenched. I'm so tired of everything I put in my mouth, some days I choose to barely eat anything at all b/c it all tastes like shit so I just drink more water instead. I may never have ground beef, lettuce or asparagus ever again after this. My weight loss has gone from about 6 lbs a week to barely 2 and I don't even really care (okay, I do)... I am just getting through each day the best I can without jumping from a bridge. I literally feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. Being me feels SO intensely uncomfortable right now. And I don't know what to do because I've certainly had a rough go of things from time to time, but never like this. I have never felt like this before. It feels very badly.

So I buck up and try to spend the least amount of time on the pity pot if I can help it and reach, minute to minute, for when I can eat breakfast again. And eggs. And turkey meat. And broccoli (oh how I miss broccoli!). And I'm sure once I have normal calories, can work out and can add healthy fats added back into my diet, I'll be a happy camper and I can look back at this struggle and say "but you did it. And you did it amazingly well." Hopefully shortly thereafter the looking back and laughing thing will happen, too.

Thanksgiving, the wagon, and stir fry

I have recovered from Thanksgiving. I spent 4 days off plan eating turkey and ham and leftovers of both and cream pie. I DID watch portion control until a bit of wine overload on Saturday night. But I made the decision to enjoy my holiday and holiday weekend and I did.

But today is a new day and I did it up right. I am back on plan and back in boot camp after my foot kept me out most of last week. My boot camp trainer also motivated me to try a new veggie medley based on something she had made and I wanted to share it with you b/c it turned out WONDERFUL!

Ingredients:
1T olive oil (ish)
1/2 onion, chopped
tons of fresh garlic, minced or chopped
1/2 head of rad cabbage (or green, if you prefer), diced into strips
1/2 bunch of kale, chopped into large pieces
1/2 bunch of red chard, chopped into large pieces
one small head of broccoli, cut into pieces
1 yellow squash, chopped
1 gray squash, chopped (or regular zucchini)
1/2 bunch spinach
1/2 bunch Italian parsley
Seasonings to taste
Apple cider vinegar to taste

1. heat oil in a large skillet or wok on medium heat. Add onion and garlic and saute until soft.
2. Add broccoli and stir fry, 2 minutes. Add seasonings to taste: I used salt, pepper, oregano, Italian Seasoning, garlic powder, onion powder and Mrs Dash.
3. Add squash, kale, cabbage and chard. Stir fry, covered, about 4 minutes, until leaves reduce.
4. Add spinach and parsley, cook a few minutes until spinach reduces down, another 1-2 minutes, stirring regularly.
5. remove from heat. Add apple cider vinegar to taste in individual servings.

If I could post a picture of my deliciousness, I would. It is on my facebook. It was such a wonderful experience as I had never had kale, chard or gray squash before. I LOVE trying new dishes! I paired this with a weight watchers recipe, Turkey Shepard's pie with mashed sweet potatoes, which was seriously amazing. Love good food and feeding my body all sorts of power food goodness!

On the activity note, this week includes zumba, yin yoga and hoola hooping on top for my normal 4 day a week boot camp work out. Can't wait! Just hope my foot holds up. :)

Weekend full of food

For the fourth of July I spent the weekend at a friend's cabin on a river. There were about 16 people total so needless to say, there was A LOT of food. I have been to these events before and the sheer amount of food and booze is outstanding! So this year I did things a little differently in order to try to stay moderately on track.

I volunteered to make a quinoa salad that I make often and is chock full of vitamins and veggies (granted, and olive oil). This way I had a healthy snack whenever I wanted. I brought baked and sun chips instead of regular chips. I DID bring a package of Oreo cookies which was, with my help, polished off in the first several hours of arriving at the river.

But otherwise, I kept my eating under control mostly. I was never hungry when it was meal time and one breakfast I ate WAY more than I should have and needed to, but it was just so good! I snacked on a couple cupcakes and a few handful of chips, but otherwise, didn't do a ton of mindless grazing, which made me proud.

I think next year, I'll prepare even more and bring more salad goodies. It was amazing how, at the end of the weekend, all I wanted was a salad and there wasn't one to be had. Guess I miss my roughage when I don't get it.

In other news, I definitely feel off the wagon. I have only been getting to the gym 2 days a week instead of my normal 5. The hot hot hot weather and my body being totally swollen from bug bites hasn't provided much motivation, either, but I need to get back on track. I feel bloated and I'm never going to reach my goal by sitting here and waiting for it. I'm on my rear end all day at work. All. Day. I need to make a conscious choice each and every day to move my body on purpose ... to sweat and pant a little bit (or a lot in my case). And to prepare meals even when it's so hot here all I can do is LOOK at the kitchen.

I'm not liking what I see in the mirror these days and every time I drop some pounds and am so happy I'm going in the right direction, I seem to put it right back on again. I need someone to come and just hover over me and count calories FOR me! I need a chef. hahaha!

What are you doing to eat well and work out during the summer heat?

Social Eating: how to manage your eating at buffet-style dinner party

Despite my outgoing nature, I actually have a bit if social anxiety at events where I don’t know nearly everyone. And because I have a bit of that anxiety, I usually make sure I eat myself into comfort. Tonight I had a huge accomplishment and didn’t fully realize it until after it was over.

Tonight I was invited to a dinner party where I didn’t expect to know many people. Turns out I did know a handful of folks, which was nice, but the point is, I didn’t want go to the party and overeat, as I'm apt to do. I’ve been eating pretty lightly and trying to eat only when I am hungry and I wanted to stick to that. I tend to grossly over indulge at buffets and community eating situations.

So today I had a snack about an hour or so before leaving for the party. My contribution to the party was a caprese salad which is super yummy and healthy. And off I went.

I started by not drinking. Mainly because I drank too much last weekend and it’s still too soon for me to have another after that bender. But it helped because oftentimes, with the social lubricant of alcohol, it’s easy to not be mindful of what goes in one’s mouth. ANYway, I stuck with water and ended up visiting with people away from the dining area where the food was laid out. I made note of when I saw people starting to spoon up appetizers, but I was enjoying my conversation and saw no reason to interrupt that in order to spoon up just yet. At one point someone passed around some bruschetta, of which I had a slice, and I noticed, just then, that I was watching him, wondering if he would make it to where I was sitting. Which he did, but I made a note to only be present with my conversation and not worry about anyone else or what was going in their mouths.

When I decided I was ready, I helped myself to one piece of my Caprese, a piece of another Caprese and a small hunk of cheese. I savored each bite and was perfectly happy. I had small spoonfuls of what they served for dinner and enjoyed each of those bites as well and didn’t go back for seconds as I was no longer hungry. When I finished, I threw away my plate so I would not be tempted to go back for more food for the simply sake of going back for more.

And as I left, I thought “wow, I did really well at that!” I practiced what all the experts say to do at things like this… don’t go to the event hungry, start with small servings, stay away from the food table when socializing and be mindful and enjoy your food. I feel VERY happy! And now, an hour later, I’m going to indulge in a single serving skinny cow ice cream cup. GO ME!!

What do YOU do to get through parties/ social events to enjoy the food and the people without stuffing yourself full?

The wagon, firing the scale, and what to do from here

And here I thought things were going so well....

Last week I was ecstatic to report a 22.2 pound total weight loss. And then my damn scale says it's really 16.6. At least as of today. Jerks. Mr. Scale... you are FIRED! GRRRR!!

And then I'm thinking "well what happened?!" I mean... I'm on a new thyroid medication, I've been eating relatively good portion sizes and not making TERRIBLE choices. Oh. but I suppose they could be better. I splurged on a cheeseburger with Special K on Friday with some soft serve ice cream afterward. I also went to Ben and Jerry's twice in the last week. Got a cold and didn't work out for 10 days. Ate a shit ton of spaghetti and chocolate chip cookies. So... maybe THAT explains it. Just b/c i didn't eat out a lot and didn't scarf on wings doesn't mean that I was doing myself justice.

I made a pact with myself that I would not eat out at all this week. Mostly b/c I'm dirt poor and will be spending plenty of money this weekend that I don't have. I still managed to make more chocolate chip cookies yesterday and eat .... uh.... several.... after dinner.

As Nicole said to me... I'm back on the wagon today and "I can do it"! I found a calorie counter app for my iPhone and worked on that last night. I had a latte for breakfast and did my 20 minute cardio kickboxing work out (which, folks, if you haven't worked out for 10 days, do NOT expect THAT to be even remotely pleasant). And I'm eating lunch as we speak... I made some white beans and peppers, an orange, a salad, and 2 cookies. Can you tell I was hungry? I haven't even started on my orange and I have half my salad left and I'm like "ugh, I'm full!" I'll finish the salad and save my orange and 1 cookie (b/c you know I already ate the other!) for later.

My goal is not too far away. I have all year to lose it (although before summer wouldn't hurt). I got a taste of my clothes fitting better and I am mad at myself and mad at my scale. I've worked so very hard this month to get things right.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a huge advocate for NOT beating yourself up. For NOT subscribing to perfection. But I also know that I have issues with food and I know that if I do x, y and z, then I do a much better job of not going overboard or making food choices that aren't good for my body or my soul. I can honestly say that I do not care if I'm heavy my entire life. I just want to be active and pain free and have my organs and heart be healthy. If I can do that at 150 lbs or 300 lbs, then fine. I love my body and I love myself and I know that I am not defined by my size. But my health and ability to do the activities I love are CRUCIAL to my happiness and my joyful soul.

So moving forward, I will be sure that the core of my diet is getting in my daily produce. I will do my best to continue to work out 5 days a week. I will continue to explore OA meetings and read some OA literature. And first and foremost, I will be kind to myself. After all, don't we all deserve that for ourselves, from ourselves?

yes. yes we do.

Practicing humility

I'm pretty good, overall, for asking what I need. I don't think I'm too prideful and I generally believe I deserve to be heard and considered in most situations (sign of confidence or just my Leo nature, I don't know?).

My point is, I'm scared. I mentioned it yesterday... food scares me. But I love it so! And I don't really know where to begin to dissect my relationship with food.

Last night is a fairly good example. I had tried cheese already in my diet and, while I wasn't sure if the reaction I had was to the cheese or to the eggs, I definitely had one and Dr. David suggested I leave both cheese and eggs out of my diet until later on in the reintroduction phase and then try it again. I had Jon over for dinner and I made this great vegetarian chili which was yummy and beautiful and colorful. He brought cheese to put on top. I was like "DAMN!" I thought I'd be fine with it, and I was, but then I looked over at him at one point and saw all the strings of melted cheese hanging off his spoon and I was just DRIVEN to have me some of that. I couldn't, though, b/c who knew there is so much shit in pre-packaged shredded cheese, but I did have a few pieces of baby Swiss I had in the fridge and I practically swallowed it whole. I decided I would try cheese again today and went to the store to buy more for today so I could do it up right. Good news is, so far I've had no reaction... but the bad news is... why was I so compelled to have the cheese? I've gone without it for a week and was fine. Why did seeing someone else have it mean I had to have it? I really do not understand this.

Last Sunday I went to an Overeaters' Anonymous meeting. I'm only a little ashamed to admit that. While I can ask for what I need, sometimes asking for help, especially when it seems like such a private subject, is harder for me. But last weekend, I reached out and asked for help. I want to deconstruct this issue I have with food. I know exactly what kind of relationship I want to have with it and I have no clue how to get there.

So here I am, asking strangers, and the universe, to be kind to me... to show me a path to wellness and health and positivity. To help me understand why I eat as though I was starved as a child (which, trust me, I was NOT) and to help me come to terms with how to love what I have and not hate what I don't.

"God... Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."