Change in perspective

I felt so great last summer after having lost 35 pounds and I haven't gotten out of my mourning of having gained it all back so quickly during the winter. I'm having so much difficulty staying motivated when it comes to eating well. I did a 15 day juice cleanse and a 4 week Whole30 Paleo diet at the beginning of the year and ended up losing 4 pounds when it was all said and done. Needless to say I'm discouraged. I'm working out 2-3 x a day, eating 1600-2000 calories (sometimes you need more when you're burning so much more) but I'm still having days where I drink too much or go 5 (or 10) bites past full. Where I pick up a bag of MMs instead of an apple when I feel like something sweet.

I was told by my most recent manager yesterday that I was perfect and fantastic and successful. And I let that wash over me until I went to a body pump class at my new gym and all I could see was my stomach rolls. I AM successful. I have a great life. I keep thinking to myself... I'm going to be 65 years old and I'm going to so regret having wasted so much time being unhappy with myself. But I don't know how to change that. I know there is a lot of fat acceptance stuff I could read (and have) but the truth is, I want to lose weight. I don't need to be a size 4. I just want to be a size 14. I want to be an XL. I just want to be able to shop at Old Navy or Target. That's not a huge goal.

But I am so angry at how hard it is for me to get there. I have tried (almost) everything. And I'm not a gimmick girl so I don't subscribe to this diet pill or that new diet. I just try to cut calories by cutting junk and eating CLEAN and expending energy in exercising. My body seems resistant to traditional methods. Methods that work for everyone else... simple mathematics, hasn't been working for me. And I'm frustrated. I'm on the line of not wanting to waste my energy being unhappy with myself and not appreciating all the good things about my life and wanting so much to change.

I need a change in perspective. A way to be happy with myself and who I am and all the things I have to offer (body size included) and still make progress toward improvement and weight loss. I can't help the physical challenges I have with losing weight, but I can just keep pushing forward and try not to be so hard on myself. Not sure how that perspective shift is going to happen, but.... that's where I'm at these days.

The end of the beginning

The 6 weeks Dr supervised diet has ended. My calories are increased. I get to eat cheese (in moderation), broccoli, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, berries, peaches, bananas, turkey, salmon.... wonderful wonderful treats after so long of eating the same 20 things for 6 weeks. I lost 30 pounds... it was wonderfully successful and just the beginning. I am officially 80 pounds from my very heaviest (granted, that was long ago, but still)! I have about another 60-80 pounds left to lose but I am feeling so upbeat and positive. I feel hopeful that, with this significant of a weight loss and being here for the first time in so long, that I will continue this journey and lose the weight for the last time.

Not only have I busted my plateau, I have also started to do work around my relationship with food. I continue to read and educate myself on nutrition and food science/psychology which is fascinating. And I started back to my boot camp work out this week as well. It's already been such a journey and I know I have a long journey ahead, but I'm ready. And excited. I'm loving this new me and can't wait to see where the road ahead takes me.

Here are some progress photos. the first was at my 26th birthday (8/2005). I was over 300 pounds. The second is at the end of last year (12/2010) and then one from just yesterday (7/2011). I expect more to come! Thank you, friends, for your continued support!

Weekend full of food

For the fourth of July I spent the weekend at a friend's cabin on a river. There were about 16 people total so needless to say, there was A LOT of food. I have been to these events before and the sheer amount of food and booze is outstanding! So this year I did things a little differently in order to try to stay moderately on track.

I volunteered to make a quinoa salad that I make often and is chock full of vitamins and veggies (granted, and olive oil). This way I had a healthy snack whenever I wanted. I brought baked and sun chips instead of regular chips. I DID bring a package of Oreo cookies which was, with my help, polished off in the first several hours of arriving at the river.

But otherwise, I kept my eating under control mostly. I was never hungry when it was meal time and one breakfast I ate WAY more than I should have and needed to, but it was just so good! I snacked on a couple cupcakes and a few handful of chips, but otherwise, didn't do a ton of mindless grazing, which made me proud.

I think next year, I'll prepare even more and bring more salad goodies. It was amazing how, at the end of the weekend, all I wanted was a salad and there wasn't one to be had. Guess I miss my roughage when I don't get it.

In other news, I definitely feel off the wagon. I have only been getting to the gym 2 days a week instead of my normal 5. The hot hot hot weather and my body being totally swollen from bug bites hasn't provided much motivation, either, but I need to get back on track. I feel bloated and I'm never going to reach my goal by sitting here and waiting for it. I'm on my rear end all day at work. All. Day. I need to make a conscious choice each and every day to move my body on purpose ... to sweat and pant a little bit (or a lot in my case). And to prepare meals even when it's so hot here all I can do is LOOK at the kitchen.

I'm not liking what I see in the mirror these days and every time I drop some pounds and am so happy I'm going in the right direction, I seem to put it right back on again. I need someone to come and just hover over me and count calories FOR me! I need a chef. hahaha!

What are you doing to eat well and work out during the summer heat?

12 Week Challenge: Week Five

July 20, 2009 - Monday

Body for life - Week 5: A slave to the scale Current mood: drained I jumped on the scale on Friday morning and I just stood there. Expecting the number to go down, to change. To be anything but what it was. It took me 4 weeks to lose 7.5 pounds and one week to put 5.2 back on. I was pissed. I didn't eat 100% on plan, but I certainly didn't eat anything I really shouldn't have other than a piece of pizza on a day I worked out twice.... so what the hell? My mood plummeted all day Friday. I tried all day to maintain perspective. But it's not like I LOOK different or FEEL thinner ... hell, my clothes aren't even fitting looser yet after 13.5 inches and a total of 11 (was 16 thank you very much) pounds. I don't understand. My feeling all day was ... "fuck it. I'm working so damn hard and so why bother?"... and all I wanted to do was eat. But I didn't. I mean, not really. I ate all the rest of my normal meals I would have that day. I went to dinner with Howard and stuffed my face with Nachos and drank 3 fruit punch and rum beverages with a few M&Ms and some cheese and crackers, but... overall, in the big picture, I didn't do what I wanted to do. Which was burgers and fries and ice cream with chocolate syrup. What was amazing was... for how sad and upset I was about the gain, I woke up at 7am the next morning and all I wanted to do was go outside and do something. Go for a hike. Go on a bike ride. I didn't get on the bike b/c I'm scared of the bike. I haven't really ridden a bike as an adult and even though I just got a lovely new one... I didn't think I could do it yet. No one was awake at 7. or 8. or 9. to go on a hike with me. So I resolved to go by myself. I've been on a handful of hikes ONLY my entire life. This would have been my third this summer and I would have never imagined going alone. But I visualized it first and I got directions and a route to what seemed like a not too difficult hike. I went to the cafe, had a bagel with an egg and a small latte... talked with the very cute barista for a long time and made my way to my route of a 3 mile loop in forest park. I have lived in Oregon most of my life and I have never been to forest park. I had a really wonderful time. I pushed myself, I kept up my heart rate. I rested when I needed to. I talked to a lot of people. Not just hellos but actual conversations. I stopped to breath in the fresh air and the sunshine and revel in the sounds of the birds and the creek. I was beyond happy. I even peed behind a tree. LOL It took me 90 minutes to do those 3 miles (due to my jabbering mostly) and i burned 1000 calories. I was so proud of myself I thought I would burst open. I spent most of the entire day minus one hour by myself doing whatever it was I wanted to do. Sunday was another story. The one thing I had planned to do and had my heart set on doing fell through. I was so upset and disappointed. And then something else happened and I got angry. Really angry. I went to my CODA meeting and I decided that I would go on a bike ride by myself after all. If everyone was going to bail on me then I'll do something alone. Granted, I'd spent Saturday alone so I really wanted to spend time with friends and have conversation but... that's not the way it was happening so... I made a decision to do my best to enjoy my day and be outside and have fun. So. I took my bike on my car to Sellwood and rode along the spring water corridor north towards the Ross Island Bridge. I couldn't believe I was riding a bike! The wind felt great, the sun felt great... But then I started having troubles with my seat. My fatalistic and angry mood led me to believe I was too fat for the bike. I turned around and cried all the way back to the car. While some of you make laugh at this and think it's funny, I assure it was not funny. I am not laughing. My morning sucked some serious F-ing ass. After dealing with the seat (it just wasn't tight enough), my mood improved. I went to Howard's and spent an hour doing yardwork for him and then home to shower and read. ANd then BBQd with Nicole and Eric and had the most delectable meal!! It was, overall, minus a few hours of intense anger and disappointment, a really wonderful weekend full of break throughs for me. And even though I'm disappointed about the 5 lbs, maybe it's muscle. Maybe b/c it's been so warm, Im just retaining water. Who knows. But I'm still on the path I started on. I committed to 12 weeks and I'm halfway there (I can't believe it!!!) The bottom line for me was... 1. I'm becoming that active person I always imagined myself to be. I am doing these things for FUN not for exercise and that makes a huge difference in how I go into the specified activity. 2. My activity and sense of adventure is not tied to someone else. I did what I wanted to do this weekend and I did it alone. And it was wonderful. 3. Not once, not twice, but THREE times, I went out.. in public... and SOCIALIZED with no sleeves. That's right... I wore tank tops and a dress with no sleeves all weekend. No sleeves. And I didn't bring it to everyone's attention, I just... went about my day. These are all really really big deals for me. My knee has been bothering me (due to Patello-Femoral Syndrom, so the Dr. told me today) so hiking may be limited for some time, but... walking and biking are approved activities and I'm having a great time. If any of you are ok with me having to stop and pant pretty much constantly on an uphill incline and like to hike... let me know. I could use some activity partners. Have a great week everyone!

12 Week Challenge: Week Four

July 13, 2009 - Monday

Littlier Lindsay - Week 4 Current mood: accomplished Hi everyone! Today starts week five. I got to eat lots of yummies yesterday so I kinda don't want to start back on the diet today, but... I am. and I will. Results are as follows: Since starting Body for Life: I've lost 7.5 lbs and 13.5 inches. I've lost 16 pounds of the 20 pounds I put on last year. I'm 46 pounds down from my very heaviest from 2003. Last week I started out kind of lazy. Monday I did wii boxing for 20 minutes instead of going to the gym. I did my weights but only walked 30 minutes on Tuesday instead of my waterfront hour. I didn't go to the gym at all on Wednesday. Thursday I didn't go to aqua but did my weights. Friday I made it to the gym and rocked it hardcore. Saturday I went on a pretty damn hard hike. Pictures to follow soon, FYI. That hike alone made me feel ok about the entire week. It was phenomenal and beautiful and I went with a friend who was SOOOO supportive and patient with the fat lady climbing the hill. It was wonderful. My only complaint is that my right knee is really bothering me. I don't really know what to do for that. Who do I go see about it? I can't afford (and don't want) to stop working out. I know I can't continue to ignore it, but... I'm not sure who I talk to. Chiropractor? General doctor? Not sure at all. Anyway, that's really all I have to report today. I'm an hour behind and swamped at work and still haven't had breakfast. Guess I'll go get that now. Hopefully all the shit I ate yesterday on my free day gets burned off this week. ;-) Have a great week!

12 Week Challenge: Week Three

July 6, 2009 - Monday

Luscious Lindsay's DEC (diet/excersie challenge) blog... and other musings Current mood: exhausted Well, not much to report this week. I maintained. It looked like I'd lost .2 lbs but then I was .4 up from that this morning. I'll be over the monthly stuff by tomorrow so maybe that has something to do with it. I also spent Friday-Sunday pretty much eating whatever. Although I must say I didn't eat too terrible although there were 2 meals where I had some volume issues. Eating in a crowd is so interesting for me. I never feel like I'm going to get enough food so I kind of horde and go back for seconds (sometimes thirds) just to make sure I got enough. I always make sure everyone ELSE has enough too, but... it's weird. I didn't grow up that way. My mom always had a ton of food available so it's not like I was ever deprived. It's very strange as how I eat in large groups often does look like someone who WAS deprived of enough food growing up. Yeah, in my family, that was definitely not the case.. I also ate a bit more liberally last week. Like cheese. And I ate some white carbs vs. wheat carbs. I'm going to be careful this week. Although I did work out this morning, I got so little sleep and woke up late that I skimped my interval work out for some Wii boxing (trust me, that IS a workout!). I was intending to go to aqua aerobics tonight but am so tired that I was relieved when Jenna cancelled. Granted, I could still go but... I'd really rather just not tonight. I'll go on Thursday. And do my weight routine tomorrow and walk the esplanade again tomorrow with Nicole pending it's not raining. And do full throttle internval cardio on Wednesday. And I have 2 hikes in store for this weekend. So. If I can keep my eating under control and back on my program, I should do better this week than last. But then again, maybe I'm gaining muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. I don't know. I just know i'm still motivated and I'm committed to this still. So the challenge I'm having today is I'm hungry. It could be b/c I wasn't on my diet over the weekend... I'm not sure. And on top of that, I've received some upsetting news (more on that in a minute) and now all I want to do is eat. I know it's psychological, but... it's true. It doesn't mean I'm GOING to eat, but I DO recognize it as being my sole response to the news. Hmmm... Anyway. In other news. Fourth of July has never been a big deal for me. I can take or leave the fireworks. I like BBQs, this is true, but never get invited to any. This year, Jenna invited me for her birthday and 4th of July celebrations at her river house. It was warm and sunny and I spent hours upon hours in the sun reading and bathing and listening to the river flow by. I waded in the water. I sat with my feet in so I didn't get too hot. It was soooo magnificent. I have a very awesome and busy and active month ahead. I can't wait! So the upsetting news I got today was that I had put an offer in on THE house. The PERFECT house. This was last week. It was a bit spendy, but I didn't care. It was in a great neighborhood. It was light and easy and wonderful. And I didn't get it. And what's worse... is that my making an offer and getting all excited about it could have been entirely avoided had the other Realtor not been a total shit for brains asshole. My Realtor is going to email her and tell her what a stupid B**** she is (only nicer). I literally feel heartbroken over this loss. But... as with other houses... I'll move on. I'll keep looking. I'm entering into my 2nd year of looking. I've not had great luck with this whole process. But I'll keep on keeping on b/c I want this. I just want the right one. One I can feel really at home in. B/c my home is very important to me. So anyway. That's my update for this week. No thanks to any of you, Michael sent me some blog titles to try out so... let me know if you like any of them over the next couple of weeks. :) I'm looking for something regular. Happy week to you. xoxo

12 Week Challenge: Week Two

June 28, 2009 - Sunday

Body for Life - Week 2 : Exercise Current mood: jubilant You know, if I'm going to do a blogging series about this 12 week diet/exercise challenge I'm on, I need a snazzy name to call it, don't you think? Help me think of one. Something i can call it every week and then a specific topic perhaps I will cover. What are your ideas? Well, week 2 was a bit tougher for 2 reasons. 1. I was VERY tired Monday-Thursday this week and 2. I was getting up before work and working out every day this week. 3 days of cardio and 2 days of weights in 5 days. I'm only getting up an hour earlier, but it's still rough for me. I like sleeping. A lot. But I'm down another 2 pounds this week. For a total of 4.5 since starting the challenge, a total of 13 since the beginning of June (thanks sore throat and food poisoning!) and 43 lbs down from my all time heaviest weight. So although I felt I ate a bit more liberally (on program, however), I must have been doing something right. Friday I kicked my tired thing (I'm hoping was just PMS considering how AWESOME I felt the week before) and have been back in my happy state of being once more all weekend. Which feels ... well... after months of feeling low and unhappy and depressed and, worst of all, angry... it feels really wonderful to feel like an even better version of myself. To feel light and airy and happy and thankful. Despite it all. Because of it all. Etc. So, today I'd like to talk about exercise. See... when I first started going to the gym 3 + years ago, I went gung ho. I worked just blocks from the downtown 24 hour fitness and I would go there after work at least 3 nights a week and then hit the gym maybe one weekend day if I was feeling adventurous or had a buddy to go with me. I was diligent. I had a trainer and did 35-60 minutes of cardio. I lost weight, lost sizes, I was feeling great. Obvioiusly that didn't last. Although I've never quit the gym entirely and I've never gone longer than 3 months without going in to work out, I HAVE lost the drive to go 4 days a week and get that high that comes from a good strong work out. But see, here's what's funny. Is despite my being a fat girl... and a relatively out of shape girl with the exception of the elliptical and a few weight machines... I have, since first joining my gym those years ago, always seen myself as an active person. I visualize and imagine myself hiking up to top peaks in the gorge to picnic near a beautiful waterfall and soak in the nature and the view of all around me. I imagine myself rafting down the river with my friends every summer when they plan their annual trip. I imagine myself learning to kayak and rock climb and biking around town. It's all a very pretty image that I very much enjoy going to. But here is the truth. I'm intensely insecure about hiking as I fear my being so out of breath will be an annoyance to my hiking partner, whomever that may be, and probably anyone else on the hiking trail who has to pass me and hear my heavy wheezing, wondering what the fat girl is doing there. I don't like intense rafting b/c it scares me, but I haven't even been on easy rafting expeditions b/c I'm certain I will sink the raft. And the kayak. And lifting my heft up a vertical plane? riiiight. And I have been on a bike once since I was 15. I'm wobbly and have no idea what I'm doing and am nervous about drivers killing me (knowing, as a driver in a town full of cyclists, how i want to kill them most of the time). I have a very full summer. And I think I've found myself a very compatible hiking partner who is probably a bit more fit than me and definitely lighter, but won't laugh and will understand if I need to step every 10 steps. I have a biking friend who likes to ride slow so I can start slow and small with her... she will be supportive. I'm going to go river floating on my own inter tube next weekend ... and if I sink the boat, then at least I'm the only one who will drown. I sincerely hope that I will be able to clear up some of the dissonance in my mind about who I think I am and who I really am. Once you get me out there, I always have a good time. It's getting me out there, getting me over my insecurities and fretfulness about being the out of breath fat lady that is the challenge. But once I'm there, and I'm doing it.... man I do it well and I have a blast. And isn't that what this is ALL about anyway? Having fun? Being joyful? B/c my soul is joyful and I sure as damn hell want to tap into that as much as I can. I wish you all a wonderful and active week this week! Tell me how YOU are doing. :-)

12 Week Challenge: Week One

June 23, 2009 - Tuesday

Week One of the Challenge Well, Today is day 2 of week 2 of the Body for Life 12 week challenge. I lost 2.5 lbs in the first 5 days. The weekend was definitely more of a challenge than my more structured work week and my scale showed that I'm back to where I started as of today (but I think/hope PMS has something to do with it). I ate great last week and didn't deviate from program until Friday night for dinner and drinks. I did also use my free day on Saturday but only ate 2 meals (granted, they were large meals). I didn't participate in any of the working out last week but have started doing that THIS week. Yesterday I actually got up an hour earlier than normal and went to the gym to do my 20 minutes of cardio. It was tough to drag myself out of bed. Today as well although I worked out from home. I haven't been sleeping well and I have given up caffeine so I dread having to get up earlier than I have to. But... I'm committed and I want this. I felt absolutely phenomenal last week eating more meals but smaller portions and a balance of protein and carbs with as many veggies as I want. Eating out is always a challenge, but... I'll deal with each situation as it comes to me. Vacations as well. Plan, prepare and not beat myself up. So while i realize i'm totally fragmented right now... the bottom line is: so far so ok! This 12 week challenge has my buy in and that's huge. I really hope that I can maintian my level of commitment and motivation for the long haul. As with most "diets" there will likely come a time where I get rebellious and won't understand why I can't eat like a normal person. Well, normal for me. B/c if i'm honest, I'm eating like a normal person NOW... how I normally eat isn't really all that normal at all. Can't wait to see some results too!! *crosses fingers*