Waving at the wagons

I've fallen off the wagon in a big way.

Does anyone even know how that saying came about and why it means what it means?

ANYway... My life has been chaos. And one wants to think that they are consistent and motivated when under duress, but that has not proved to be the case. I only have the intellectual and emotional capacity to do so much. It has turned that I cannot focus on eating well and working out every day and getting enough sleep when my house is a demolition zone and the stress of my job and money issues has put me in the only space I know how to be in ... Auto Pilot.

I flooded my house, dropped my phone in the toilet and lost my diamond ring (found a few days later, thankfully) all in one day. I have the entire contents of my storage closet along with other furniture and doors, sitting in the middle of my living room. I have no bathroom floor or carpet padding in spots throughout the house. It's chaotic and messy and it makes my mind just as chaotic and messy to have my environment be such.

In said auto-pilot, I can't seem to make it to the gym b/c I spend 1-2 hours a day dealing with contractors or carpet people or whatever and the rest of my day I'm slammed at work so I really do have to try to pay attention. I go to the store and all I buy is salad and rice and still all I eat is away from home. I stayed the weekend in a hotel and while I did manage to have 2 home cooked meals while there, it didn't stop me from drinking heavily and having a delectable burger one of the nights.

I don't WANT to beat myself up about it. And I don't want to jump on the scale. I want to get through this and then refocus. I want to get my home in order and have a sense of peace and then maybe my head will be less full to have the rest of it in there. In the mean time, I wave at the wagons that pass me by every day when I make the choice to not eat a salad or not go to the gym.

And trust me, I really am doing the best I can right now. The very best I can.