Writing it out

I'm not sleeping very well. I've been finding ways to be happy and to have fun but I have this really big thing in the background... hovering just behind me like a dark dark cloud. I focus on work. My house. Getting back to the gym. Boy drama. Whatever I can to NOT think of this. I can only handle so much of a broken heart and my tears are there brooding so immediately below the surface, I have no idea when I can expect them to break through all the rest I try to put in the forefront. One or two sneaks out regularly throughout the day... especially just as I'm tucking in to go to sleep. I think of him and where he is and how much I love him and a few of those tears must slip out. I have no idea how much longer I'm going to be able to hold it in. I guess I'm just ... waiting... holding my breath and praying that it just doesn't get worse.

Hi, I'm Lindsay. And my father is a drug addict. And has been for 18 years. Probably longer. An active addict for 11 years (meaning using more than a handful of times a year). My family has seen so much pain. Has heard every lie. My mother's had to file for bankruptcy; has had to sell the home she built and loved to move into a cookie cutter she hates; has continued to go into debt supporting him. It's so amazingly difficult to see someone you love find no joy in their life. None. Who, behind every smile, there is pain and a real effort to fake her way through it all.

We all play our roles. Mine has changed over the years as I've gone through my codependency work, but I sweep in to listen and be firm and take care of everyone. My brother sweeps in to be analytical and rational and justifying. My mom just tries to hold it together and my dad... well... that's what this is all about isn't it? It's always what it's all about.

My father lost 4 days last week. Has no recollection of my mom asking him to leave or where he went or how he got there and how he got back home. My mother let him sleep it off for a day and he left again last night. He has burned the only bridge he had for a couch to stay on so we don't have any idea where he's sleeping. We have to do our best to not worry about it. Which is impossible. But it's not any of our jobs to take care of him. He is a grown man and is infinitely protective of his addiction. So he's made his choice. Which has driven us to make ours.

But I am sad. I am sad for him. For a man who used to have a good job and be a good man. Who is a talented artist and a hard worker. Who used to be my hero. Now he's someone who can't keep a job. Who will steal and lie and cheat to score drugs, whether it be heroin or Oxy or Valium. Who cannot and will not get better.

I'm sad for my mother who has no joy or happiness in her life. Who has continued to make the life choice to live this lifestyle. To lose almost everything she and my dad had worked so hard to earn. Who so rarely sees my dad for who he is but who he was and who she wants him to be. Whose codependency has made her so sick, I'm actually shocked she's not physically ill.

And for my brother. Oh my dear brother. Who I love more than life itself. Who I would do anything for. Who is my heart. Who suffers the same propensity toward excess as my father and is so scared of any real emotion, that he keeps it locked firmly away behind reason and logic and educational psychobabble.

I honestly just have no idea what to do. So I wait. I shore up these tears to use them for something bigger. And just pray that the something bigger ... something worse... doesn't happen.

Mis Mush

Well, so much for my weekly blog. There IS much to report, however. I've definitely fallen off the diet wagon. I'm going to start over right at week 6. Probably in... uh... 2 weeks. hahaha. It started when I got sick 2 weeks ago with a flu and high fever. Couldn't really do much more than sleep and drink juice. Then last week I realized "omg, I'm moving and i'm going to be a poor person and I have to do all this stuff" and was just immobilized by stress. So I just ate whatever. And then this last weekend was my birthday so there has been A LOT of cake and cupcakes and macaroni and potato salads. whew! And I have leftovers! And people taking me out to happy hours, etc. I woke up this morning an hour early naturally and could have gone to the gym, but did I? No. I laid there until my alarm went off. Ooops. And next week I'm in Los Angeles, so I expect I'll be eating bagels and Togos (my favorite!) and whatever is at the wedding festivities during the week.

Strangely enough, I've actually lost a few more pounds. But right now, I'm not worried about it. So what if my 12 week challenge turns into a 16 week challenge? I'm still committed, but life has gotten in the way and once I'm off the wagon, it takes a bit for me to get back on. But I will.

Oh. so... Let me tell you what a lovely birthday I had this year! I got to spend all day Friday with my dad and Nicole up at my Grandma's place in Pine Hollow. We hung out on the lake and on docks and in the sun. We heard some juicy stories from the grandma and ate cake and all sorts of strange concoctions she came up with (anyone ever eaten orange flavored jello with carrots??? Yeah, weird, right?). Saturday I picked out my furniture for my new house (did I tell you I've bought a house?!). I had a first date which left much to be desired. And then I bar hopped with my friends. So many people didn't come but I had so much fun with those who did that it was fine with me. I was so grateful for them sharing the day with me and they were SO generous! I got really great gifts and only spent $15 on my night out. Thanks guys!! Sunday I spent some me time at the cafe working on my 12th and final step for my step study group and reading my book and then I had the book group over for The Reader which we watched while eating cupcakes Megan made me and cheese and chips. hehehe. Then over to the folks' house for BBQd burgers and macaroni salad and baked beans and corn on the cob. Omg, and so much more. My mother is so rediculous in the way she cooks. But man it was tastey! And my Aunt bought me a sapphire necklace! It was sooo awesome!

Anyway! I'm still happy and having a good time and WILL get to packing this weekend. If only I could pack just by thinking about it, I'd be done already. hahhaha. I can't believe I'm moving. omg!

Ok all, have a happy week and hope you have missed me! :)

12 Week Challenge: Week Five

July 20, 2009 - Monday

Body for life - Week 5: A slave to the scale Current mood: drained I jumped on the scale on Friday morning and I just stood there. Expecting the number to go down, to change. To be anything but what it was. It took me 4 weeks to lose 7.5 pounds and one week to put 5.2 back on. I was pissed. I didn't eat 100% on plan, but I certainly didn't eat anything I really shouldn't have other than a piece of pizza on a day I worked out twice.... so what the hell? My mood plummeted all day Friday. I tried all day to maintain perspective. But it's not like I LOOK different or FEEL thinner ... hell, my clothes aren't even fitting looser yet after 13.5 inches and a total of 11 (was 16 thank you very much) pounds. I don't understand. My feeling all day was ... "fuck it. I'm working so damn hard and so why bother?"... and all I wanted to do was eat. But I didn't. I mean, not really. I ate all the rest of my normal meals I would have that day. I went to dinner with Howard and stuffed my face with Nachos and drank 3 fruit punch and rum beverages with a few M&Ms and some cheese and crackers, but... overall, in the big picture, I didn't do what I wanted to do. Which was burgers and fries and ice cream with chocolate syrup. What was amazing was... for how sad and upset I was about the gain, I woke up at 7am the next morning and all I wanted to do was go outside and do something. Go for a hike. Go on a bike ride. I didn't get on the bike b/c I'm scared of the bike. I haven't really ridden a bike as an adult and even though I just got a lovely new one... I didn't think I could do it yet. No one was awake at 7. or 8. or 9. to go on a hike with me. So I resolved to go by myself. I've been on a handful of hikes ONLY my entire life. This would have been my third this summer and I would have never imagined going alone. But I visualized it first and I got directions and a route to what seemed like a not too difficult hike. I went to the cafe, had a bagel with an egg and a small latte... talked with the very cute barista for a long time and made my way to my route of a 3 mile loop in forest park. I have lived in Oregon most of my life and I have never been to forest park. I had a really wonderful time. I pushed myself, I kept up my heart rate. I rested when I needed to. I talked to a lot of people. Not just hellos but actual conversations. I stopped to breath in the fresh air and the sunshine and revel in the sounds of the birds and the creek. I was beyond happy. I even peed behind a tree. LOL It took me 90 minutes to do those 3 miles (due to my jabbering mostly) and i burned 1000 calories. I was so proud of myself I thought I would burst open. I spent most of the entire day minus one hour by myself doing whatever it was I wanted to do. Sunday was another story. The one thing I had planned to do and had my heart set on doing fell through. I was so upset and disappointed. And then something else happened and I got angry. Really angry. I went to my CODA meeting and I decided that I would go on a bike ride by myself after all. If everyone was going to bail on me then I'll do something alone. Granted, I'd spent Saturday alone so I really wanted to spend time with friends and have conversation but... that's not the way it was happening so... I made a decision to do my best to enjoy my day and be outside and have fun. So. I took my bike on my car to Sellwood and rode along the spring water corridor north towards the Ross Island Bridge. I couldn't believe I was riding a bike! The wind felt great, the sun felt great... But then I started having troubles with my seat. My fatalistic and angry mood led me to believe I was too fat for the bike. I turned around and cried all the way back to the car. While some of you make laugh at this and think it's funny, I assure it was not funny. I am not laughing. My morning sucked some serious F-ing ass. After dealing with the seat (it just wasn't tight enough), my mood improved. I went to Howard's and spent an hour doing yardwork for him and then home to shower and read. ANd then BBQd with Nicole and Eric and had the most delectable meal!! It was, overall, minus a few hours of intense anger and disappointment, a really wonderful weekend full of break throughs for me. And even though I'm disappointed about the 5 lbs, maybe it's muscle. Maybe b/c it's been so warm, Im just retaining water. Who knows. But I'm still on the path I started on. I committed to 12 weeks and I'm halfway there (I can't believe it!!!) The bottom line for me was... 1. I'm becoming that active person I always imagined myself to be. I am doing these things for FUN not for exercise and that makes a huge difference in how I go into the specified activity. 2. My activity and sense of adventure is not tied to someone else. I did what I wanted to do this weekend and I did it alone. And it was wonderful. 3. Not once, not twice, but THREE times, I went out.. in public... and SOCIALIZED with no sleeves. That's right... I wore tank tops and a dress with no sleeves all weekend. No sleeves. And I didn't bring it to everyone's attention, I just... went about my day. These are all really really big deals for me. My knee has been bothering me (due to Patello-Femoral Syndrom, so the Dr. told me today) so hiking may be limited for some time, but... walking and biking are approved activities and I'm having a great time. If any of you are ok with me having to stop and pant pretty much constantly on an uphill incline and like to hike... let me know. I could use some activity partners. Have a great week everyone!

12 Week Challenge: Week Four

July 13, 2009 - Monday

Littlier Lindsay - Week 4 Current mood: accomplished Hi everyone! Today starts week five. I got to eat lots of yummies yesterday so I kinda don't want to start back on the diet today, but... I am. and I will. Results are as follows: Since starting Body for Life: I've lost 7.5 lbs and 13.5 inches. I've lost 16 pounds of the 20 pounds I put on last year. I'm 46 pounds down from my very heaviest from 2003. Last week I started out kind of lazy. Monday I did wii boxing for 20 minutes instead of going to the gym. I did my weights but only walked 30 minutes on Tuesday instead of my waterfront hour. I didn't go to the gym at all on Wednesday. Thursday I didn't go to aqua but did my weights. Friday I made it to the gym and rocked it hardcore. Saturday I went on a pretty damn hard hike. Pictures to follow soon, FYI. That hike alone made me feel ok about the entire week. It was phenomenal and beautiful and I went with a friend who was SOOOO supportive and patient with the fat lady climbing the hill. It was wonderful. My only complaint is that my right knee is really bothering me. I don't really know what to do for that. Who do I go see about it? I can't afford (and don't want) to stop working out. I know I can't continue to ignore it, but... I'm not sure who I talk to. Chiropractor? General doctor? Not sure at all. Anyway, that's really all I have to report today. I'm an hour behind and swamped at work and still haven't had breakfast. Guess I'll go get that now. Hopefully all the shit I ate yesterday on my free day gets burned off this week. ;-) Have a great week!

12 Week Challenge: Week Three

July 6, 2009 - Monday

Luscious Lindsay's DEC (diet/excersie challenge) blog... and other musings Current mood: exhausted Well, not much to report this week. I maintained. It looked like I'd lost .2 lbs but then I was .4 up from that this morning. I'll be over the monthly stuff by tomorrow so maybe that has something to do with it. I also spent Friday-Sunday pretty much eating whatever. Although I must say I didn't eat too terrible although there were 2 meals where I had some volume issues. Eating in a crowd is so interesting for me. I never feel like I'm going to get enough food so I kind of horde and go back for seconds (sometimes thirds) just to make sure I got enough. I always make sure everyone ELSE has enough too, but... it's weird. I didn't grow up that way. My mom always had a ton of food available so it's not like I was ever deprived. It's very strange as how I eat in large groups often does look like someone who WAS deprived of enough food growing up. Yeah, in my family, that was definitely not the case.. I also ate a bit more liberally last week. Like cheese. And I ate some white carbs vs. wheat carbs. I'm going to be careful this week. Although I did work out this morning, I got so little sleep and woke up late that I skimped my interval work out for some Wii boxing (trust me, that IS a workout!). I was intending to go to aqua aerobics tonight but am so tired that I was relieved when Jenna cancelled. Granted, I could still go but... I'd really rather just not tonight. I'll go on Thursday. And do my weight routine tomorrow and walk the esplanade again tomorrow with Nicole pending it's not raining. And do full throttle internval cardio on Wednesday. And I have 2 hikes in store for this weekend. So. If I can keep my eating under control and back on my program, I should do better this week than last. But then again, maybe I'm gaining muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. I don't know. I just know i'm still motivated and I'm committed to this still. So the challenge I'm having today is I'm hungry. It could be b/c I wasn't on my diet over the weekend... I'm not sure. And on top of that, I've received some upsetting news (more on that in a minute) and now all I want to do is eat. I know it's psychological, but... it's true. It doesn't mean I'm GOING to eat, but I DO recognize it as being my sole response to the news. Hmmm... Anyway. In other news. Fourth of July has never been a big deal for me. I can take or leave the fireworks. I like BBQs, this is true, but never get invited to any. This year, Jenna invited me for her birthday and 4th of July celebrations at her river house. It was warm and sunny and I spent hours upon hours in the sun reading and bathing and listening to the river flow by. I waded in the water. I sat with my feet in so I didn't get too hot. It was soooo magnificent. I have a very awesome and busy and active month ahead. I can't wait! So the upsetting news I got today was that I had put an offer in on THE house. The PERFECT house. This was last week. It was a bit spendy, but I didn't care. It was in a great neighborhood. It was light and easy and wonderful. And I didn't get it. And what's worse... is that my making an offer and getting all excited about it could have been entirely avoided had the other Realtor not been a total shit for brains asshole. My Realtor is going to email her and tell her what a stupid B**** she is (only nicer). I literally feel heartbroken over this loss. But... as with other houses... I'll move on. I'll keep looking. I'm entering into my 2nd year of looking. I've not had great luck with this whole process. But I'll keep on keeping on b/c I want this. I just want the right one. One I can feel really at home in. B/c my home is very important to me. So anyway. That's my update for this week. No thanks to any of you, Michael sent me some blog titles to try out so... let me know if you like any of them over the next couple of weeks. :) I'm looking for something regular. Happy week to you. xoxo

12 Week Challenge: Week Two

June 28, 2009 - Sunday

Body for Life - Week 2 : Exercise Current mood: jubilant You know, if I'm going to do a blogging series about this 12 week diet/exercise challenge I'm on, I need a snazzy name to call it, don't you think? Help me think of one. Something i can call it every week and then a specific topic perhaps I will cover. What are your ideas? Well, week 2 was a bit tougher for 2 reasons. 1. I was VERY tired Monday-Thursday this week and 2. I was getting up before work and working out every day this week. 3 days of cardio and 2 days of weights in 5 days. I'm only getting up an hour earlier, but it's still rough for me. I like sleeping. A lot. But I'm down another 2 pounds this week. For a total of 4.5 since starting the challenge, a total of 13 since the beginning of June (thanks sore throat and food poisoning!) and 43 lbs down from my all time heaviest weight. So although I felt I ate a bit more liberally (on program, however), I must have been doing something right. Friday I kicked my tired thing (I'm hoping was just PMS considering how AWESOME I felt the week before) and have been back in my happy state of being once more all weekend. Which feels ... well... after months of feeling low and unhappy and depressed and, worst of all, angry... it feels really wonderful to feel like an even better version of myself. To feel light and airy and happy and thankful. Despite it all. Because of it all. Etc. So, today I'd like to talk about exercise. See... when I first started going to the gym 3 + years ago, I went gung ho. I worked just blocks from the downtown 24 hour fitness and I would go there after work at least 3 nights a week and then hit the gym maybe one weekend day if I was feeling adventurous or had a buddy to go with me. I was diligent. I had a trainer and did 35-60 minutes of cardio. I lost weight, lost sizes, I was feeling great. Obvioiusly that didn't last. Although I've never quit the gym entirely and I've never gone longer than 3 months without going in to work out, I HAVE lost the drive to go 4 days a week and get that high that comes from a good strong work out. But see, here's what's funny. Is despite my being a fat girl... and a relatively out of shape girl with the exception of the elliptical and a few weight machines... I have, since first joining my gym those years ago, always seen myself as an active person. I visualize and imagine myself hiking up to top peaks in the gorge to picnic near a beautiful waterfall and soak in the nature and the view of all around me. I imagine myself rafting down the river with my friends every summer when they plan their annual trip. I imagine myself learning to kayak and rock climb and biking around town. It's all a very pretty image that I very much enjoy going to. But here is the truth. I'm intensely insecure about hiking as I fear my being so out of breath will be an annoyance to my hiking partner, whomever that may be, and probably anyone else on the hiking trail who has to pass me and hear my heavy wheezing, wondering what the fat girl is doing there. I don't like intense rafting b/c it scares me, but I haven't even been on easy rafting expeditions b/c I'm certain I will sink the raft. And the kayak. And lifting my heft up a vertical plane? riiiight. And I have been on a bike once since I was 15. I'm wobbly and have no idea what I'm doing and am nervous about drivers killing me (knowing, as a driver in a town full of cyclists, how i want to kill them most of the time). I have a very full summer. And I think I've found myself a very compatible hiking partner who is probably a bit more fit than me and definitely lighter, but won't laugh and will understand if I need to step every 10 steps. I have a biking friend who likes to ride slow so I can start slow and small with her... she will be supportive. I'm going to go river floating on my own inter tube next weekend ... and if I sink the boat, then at least I'm the only one who will drown. I sincerely hope that I will be able to clear up some of the dissonance in my mind about who I think I am and who I really am. Once you get me out there, I always have a good time. It's getting me out there, getting me over my insecurities and fretfulness about being the out of breath fat lady that is the challenge. But once I'm there, and I'm doing it.... man I do it well and I have a blast. And isn't that what this is ALL about anyway? Having fun? Being joyful? B/c my soul is joyful and I sure as damn hell want to tap into that as much as I can. I wish you all a wonderful and active week this week! Tell me how YOU are doing. :-)

12 Week Challenge: Week One

June 23, 2009 - Tuesday

Week One of the Challenge Well, Today is day 2 of week 2 of the Body for Life 12 week challenge. I lost 2.5 lbs in the first 5 days. The weekend was definitely more of a challenge than my more structured work week and my scale showed that I'm back to where I started as of today (but I think/hope PMS has something to do with it). I ate great last week and didn't deviate from program until Friday night for dinner and drinks. I did also use my free day on Saturday but only ate 2 meals (granted, they were large meals). I didn't participate in any of the working out last week but have started doing that THIS week. Yesterday I actually got up an hour earlier than normal and went to the gym to do my 20 minutes of cardio. It was tough to drag myself out of bed. Today as well although I worked out from home. I haven't been sleeping well and I have given up caffeine so I dread having to get up earlier than I have to. But... I'm committed and I want this. I felt absolutely phenomenal last week eating more meals but smaller portions and a balance of protein and carbs with as many veggies as I want. Eating out is always a challenge, but... I'll deal with each situation as it comes to me. Vacations as well. Plan, prepare and not beat myself up. So while i realize i'm totally fragmented right now... the bottom line is: so far so ok! This 12 week challenge has my buy in and that's huge. I really hope that I can maintian my level of commitment and motivation for the long haul. As with most "diets" there will likely come a time where I get rebellious and won't understand why I can't eat like a normal person. Well, normal for me. B/c if i'm honest, I'm eating like a normal person NOW... how I normally eat isn't really all that normal at all. Can't wait to see some results too!! *crosses fingers*

12 Week Challenge: Day One

June 15, 2009 - Monday

Hi all! Well, today marks day one of my 12 weeks of doing "body for life." I'd been recommended South Beach but I have to be honest. The only reason I chose this diet is b/c it's remarkably easy and I get a free day. And I know myself. That free day is important. I'm not going to share my starting weight or my before pictures until later as, if I don't have the success I hope to have, then I'll be mortified at sharing with the world how much I weigh. But I couldn't sleep last night for how excited I am for this. I'm starting week one with just 2 planned days of exercise (vs the 6 the diet recommends) but next week I'll incorporate more. Despite how crappy and sick I've been in the last few weeks with sore throats and, last week, with food poisoning that had me feeling weird for several days, I do have to admit that it's been a nice jump start as 1. I've already lost 10 lbs (so what if it's not fat?! LOL) and 2. I'm not all that hungry which is a huge advantage in the game of losing weight. I'm already 20 minutes in to managing to choke down some steel cut oats and turkey bacon as I just wasn't hungry yet. But this diet includes 6 meals a day. I don't know if I can commit to that, but it's nice to know I can if I need to. Anyway, I don't have much to say other than my goal right now is to lose 20-25 lbs in the next 12 weeks. June 15th - September 5th is the diet plan. I could potentially lose more than that, but that's the initial goal (let's not think about the fact that my long term goal would be 100 lbs. LOL). One day... one pound... at a time. I just want to get back to where I felt good and moderately healthy and sexy and attractive. And believe it or not, that number isn't that far away so... I'm looking forward to getting there again. I'm sure there will be challenges. Lattes. Booze. Cheese. Things I want. That's what the free days are for I guess. I am going through this with a friend (I think) so that added support system will help. But for now i'm excited and I want to succeed. Until next week!! :)

Body for Life: Getting ready

May 29, 2009 - Friday

Well, I have to admit, my first week trying to eat better and work out didn't exactly go as scheduled but has strangely been a success (if you can call it that). I worked out to my little Biggest Loser DVD 3 days last week starting Wednesday. I ordered salads instead of fries when I ate out. And sandwiches instead of burgers. And then the weekend hit. And I just... forgot. This seems to happen to me a lot. I get into the moment, I'm having fun with my friends, and I order out of habit instead of mindfulness. Not to mention the sheer amount of alcohol I ingested this weekend. EEK! I tried to be better on Monday and Tuesday. No drinking. But I spent Monday at Sauvie's Island with friends and we ate chips and egg salad sammys and pistachios. Oh. hahaha I don't remember really what I ate on Tuesday. A bagel for breakfast. Oh. right. Michael bought me lunch at nohos and I had a small, not a medium. Yesss! And then my throat started to hurt. I went to happy hour with a old coworker and had a couple of nibbles on her nachos but didn't like them. I had one drink but started to really not feel well. I went home and ate potato leek soup Howard made for me. (so good!) And Wednesday I couldn't swallow. I had a moderately high fever, couldn't seem to stay awake, was getting totally swamped at work and all I wanted was some goddamn water. Nicole took me to the Dr and brought me juice but the juice created too much saliva and I just couldn't swallow it. They told me I didn't have strep so I started to cry and then dry heaved in the sink. yeah. hawwwt. I got some ass shot though to help with nausea. Which I think was just hunger really. So that's what my Wednesday and Thursday have been like. I've had 2 16oz bottles of juice, abougt 1.5 cups of soup and 2 bottles of propel in 2 days. I've actually lost 10 lbs as of this morning. So what that I haven't pooed or that my pee is dark orange. I mean, I'm on a roll here, right? LOL No, but really. All I want is pizza. Funny. But when I woke up this morning and found swallowing a tad easier (but then again, I thought that yesterday morning too), I also found I was scared to eat. I have only had some slight hunger and mostly it's been in my head and not my belly. I know that starving oneself is, like, the worst thing ever, so save me the lecture, mmkay? But I find it interesting that I have actual FEAR of putting food in my mouth. I know that 10 lbs is water weight and muscle mass and not fat but it sure does feel more like home when I jump on the scale considering I was really adamant about starting out with a 20 lb weight loss. Perhaps I should go to Food Addicts Anonymous or something (seriously). Anyway. Not exactly what I was hoping to report, but it's what I got. How was YOUR week? Tell me your challenges and successes.